Staying busy

It has been a busy week. I find that staying busy is key to emotional stability. It is pretty simple but the drag is you crash eventually.

The big one year is coming up and it is too strange and unreal to think about. How could she not be here? When am I going to wake up?

I ordered balloons, Allison's idea and a good one. They will be in yellow, aqua and a powder blue, Stevie would love that. I put her name, dates and a photo of her on them. I will attach a little tissue paper envelope of wildflower seeds, the kind butterflies like. We will let them go on the 19Th. Everywhere someone finds the balloon with her name on it wildflowers will be growing.

I think we will just have a potluck here at the house. I will go alone to the cemetery in the morning, no need dragging everyone out there it is way too sad and I feel like I need to comfort everyone. I will go and cry my head off, talk to her and come home.

What ever else should happen will. I wonder if it will rain?

I miss her so much.

No dreams of her just strange dreams about people I do not know. I get plopped down into their lives for eight hours a night and wake up a little more tired than I started out. I love having a creative imagination but this is seriously strange. If I can not dream of her I want to dream of ponies, cupcakes, flowers, blue skies, angels singing...

This time last year I had only a few weeks with my girl left. There were tender moments but bittersweet. I was holding on when I could, and letting go when I could.

I loved intensely, no one would question that...

Stevie,

Where ever you are today I hope you can feel the love I am sending you. Thank you for being my girl. There is not a person who knows and loves you that is not missing you right now. I pray you are happy and surrounded by beauty that not even I can imagine.

I am here sweetness, right here, wait for me in the light.

Mama