Saturday, March 28, 2009


I am in France.

It doesn't seem real.

I went to a beautiful Bascillica in Verasay and spent the morning in meditation. I stayed for a long time, long enough for my toes and bottom to go cold and numb. I lit a candle for Stevie at the alter for Mary. I cried and asked for strength. The church is magnificent and I can't believe that God isn't moved.

This trip has been a learning experience. There is so much to see and time to contemplate. I am in the country this week following a trail of Chataux, small hamlets, good food and roads that wind through the greenest meadows and fields of grain.

It is breathtaking all of it. Next week I will be in Paris where it will be a lot different but exciting and interesting. I am traveling with my SIL Sarah who held me up after Stevie left. Now she driving me through France helping me find myself.

It is late in the evening, I have eaten too much and my bed has a thick duvet that I plan to crawl under and sleep deep and late.

I had dreams last night that I can't recall but I do remember laughing...

Stevie, all the things I dreamed about the night I went flying I have found here, all of them. I love you so much.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I am on my way. I can't believe I am going...this is surreal. I wish you were coming with me, maybe you are...

I have always wanted to go to Europe, Italy especially and you have always wanted to go to Thailand. We never got to take those trips together, we tried but it never worked out, there was always something...

Our little guy has been crying, he doesn't want me to go. I think he is afraid of losing another person. I want to promise him he will never-ever lose a person he loves but I can't, because he will. The odds are hundred percent that we will all die. I can promise him that I will stick around for as long as I can and that he will always be surrounded by love. Keep him safe while I am gone bunny he is still so little.

Your sister will drive me to the airport then Sarah and I will plan the first leg of our trip while we wait to board. We are getting there early so we can sit in the VIP and be silly. She can be a lot of fun, I think you picked the perfect person for me to go with.

I was thinking of leaving something of yours in Paris but I can't seem to part with even the smallest thing. I left Daffodils for you in your room, and the tulips are up in the backyard, so is the lilac. Your cherry tree is bursting with blossoms, Stevie I have never seen anything like it.

Spring is is April 19th.

I don't have anything big planned, I want to be sad and miss you all alone I think. I am going to make chocolate cupcakes I found in a book that are frosted in pastel colors and decorated with tiny fondant flowers. You would love them. I will bring them to Oakmont. I will also watch your video, the one Dave made for your service. It is going to kill me but I need to see you smiling, laughing and being your adorable self even if it hurts.

I have always been so terrified to fly, now I'm not. What is the worst that could happen? I think about it often and if you are somewhere out there then I will find you that can only be a good thing. I don't speak a word of French and Sarah and I have no real plans...we are just going. The first week will be an adventure, the second week will be an apartment in Paris and the marathon.

I plan to hit flea-markets and bring ephemera back for the shop. I plan to sit in cafes and write. I plan to pray in big churches, take a million photo's and come back healed a little more.

I found the Pi from my dream, it was on a journal Aunty Jerry gave me for Christmas. It is from the book of Kells, an illuminated letter. I think you sent me the letter for a reason...Pi is is an infinite decimal with a number pattern that never repeats. It is a ratio for the circumference of a circle. It is like you to give me this puzzle. Such an old number, such an infinite and beautiful number. I'll figure it out.

Pi is also Aly's baby name could it be that simple?

Let's go to France Stevie, show me this place, point out all the things you want me to see, sit next to me in a cathedral, hold my hand in the Louvre. I need so much to be closer to you. Thank you for this trip, I know you had something to do with it. I used the money, you know what money. TT thinks it is what you left it for, you wanted me to be happy. If you are still you, and you are somewhere perfect and wonderful and if I get to be with you again then I can be happy.

I miss you best friend, my sweet, my heart, my bunny, my love...


Friday, March 20, 2009

The dreamwaves...

I had a night of intense dreaming. I think it may have been a present to me for letting go of Stevie's body just a little and not honoring cemetery day. Instead I flew. I read a wonderful book on Astral Projection (yes I know I am weird, I like this stuff) that gave instructions on how to teach yourself to do this thing.

I am already a lucid dreamer so the instructions seemed simple enough, I have been trying for a couple weeks but last night it finally happened.

Lucid dreaming in case you are scratching your head:

A lucid dream is a dream in which the person is aware that they are dreaming while the dream is in progress, also known as a conscious dream. When the dreamer is lucid, they can actively participate in and often manipulate the imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can be extremely real and vivid depending on a person's level of self-awareness during the lucid dream.[1]

I am very right brain. The creative center in my mind is lit up like a Christmas tree. My left brain works fine too but my right brain is who I am, where I find my passion. I have had to work harder than most people to be organized. I love physics but I hate math so it has taken me longer to understand it.

I have been lucid dreaming since childhood. I didn't know there was a name for what I was doing until my twenties and still I didn't pay much attention to what an incredible gift it was until my thirties. I now love lucid dreaming.

Astral Projection in case you are still scratching your head and wondering why you have lunch with such a strange person:

Astral projection (or astral travel) refers to episodes of out-of-body experiences perceived as unfolding in environments other than the physical world, by an astral counterpart of the physical body that separates from it and travels to one or more astral planes.[1] Astral projection is experienced as being "out of the body".[2] Unlike dreaming or near death experiences, astral projection may be practiced deliberately.
If you are still hanging on, no I did not leave my body...not the way you think.

When I dream I can communicate with myself, I can read, eat, taste, hear music and I know I am dreaming, I just have the gift of interacting with my dream world. For most people remembering a dream is difficult enough, and when you do it seems like you were swimming through a collaged life; bits and pieces of a familiar life all chopped up and rearranged. I get those too, not a fan.

When you astral project you basically tell your dream self to go flying. You know you love flying dreams, everyone does, it is rated the most favorite dream to have. Well, last night I got to tell myself to do it and I did. I slipped out of my "dream body" and flew. I was aware the whole time that I was dreaming and it was the most amazing experience.

I know you are thinking, "Isn't that a whole lot of work to do when the goal is to get some rest" the answer for me is, "No" If you are truly dreaming this way it means that you are in a deep sleep state and it can be very restful, it can also wake you up way over stimulated.

This is science. I know it sounds strange but it isn't. If you went to bed tonight and told yourself that in the morning you would remember your dreams, you would. If you did that several nights in a row and wrote them down when you woke up you would be amazed what you are dreaming. After several months you would begin to lucid dream. It is just an awareness, a muscle you have that you need to excersize. Creative people have an easier time, left brainers have a harder time but it is still possible. Einstein dreamed of the nature of time.

So last night I was dreaming and I told myself to astral project. I found a dream sofa (really the stinky one in my garage) and let myself slip out of my dream body and float around. It lasted a short time and wasn't amazing but felt wonderful.

Then I went into Stevie's room and tried again. This time I flew over water. It was a long dream and I won't go into the whole thing but in the asral projection part I felt the wind on my body and it was divine. I also felt my arms and legs but couldn't see them. I didn't fly like a bird I kind of glided and floated, it was very relaxing. At one point I felt surrounded and new that this is what Stevie must feel; surrounded by love and free to move with thought. I then had a very sad feeling, even though I was surrounded by love there was something missing, a love that was vital...I felt I was missing the best person. I said outlound "I love you best, I am right here" I hear it and it seemed to echo back at me like in "Goodnight Moon".

I woke up feeling so wonderful. The song "Airwaves" by Jacks Mannequin was stuck in my head.

I'll send this message through the speakers They told me that you moved I'll cross this country on a frequency I am slipping through, I am slipping through I am slipping into the airwaves (The static's where you'll find me) And this is nothing new, you are slipping through My fingers and into the airwaves Into the airwaves

I feel like I am close to something, I am just not sure what it is. It seems obvious but nothing is ever that simple, is it?