I'm going back to the start...
For weeks "The Scientist" by Cold Play keeps playing in my mind and heart when I wake up. It happens to me, I wake up with a song everyday. It isn't a Cinderella-kinda-wake-up moment. I don't wake up sunshiney birds helping me make the bed, a little tune I can't help but hum. I wake up with a song and it stays until I find it, play it, and really listen. There are times when it makes no sense to me at all and sometimes it brings me to my knees.
The Scientist brought me to my knees and it is haunting me still. Many years ago I bought the album (CD who says album anymore?) Stevie and I listened to it on a little red portable CD player I put in her room. She was sick, music made her feel better when she couldn't read, drink coffee, or eat fruit. On this particular day music was all I had to offer and I thought she would enjoy the album. She thought it was funny that I did, Cold Play not being on my playlist.
I remember the music made me sad, it was telling a story I didn't want to hear, it was marking time and I wanted to push it away. I knew I would remember that moment in time, us in her room, the red of the CD player, her head on her pillow, the sun coming in through the window, the smell of the room, it would be a charm on my memory bracelet, one that I did not choose but was given to me and I wanted to scream for it all to stop all these frozen bits of time, I didn't want them I just wanted her and ordinary forgettable moments, teenager-mom fights, shoes on the floor, dishes undone, one more ride somewhere, a messy bathroom with wet towels and make up left out, ordinary stuff, not this.
The tears came so I had to turn away, pretend I was stronger than I was, act like I didn't know what was happening, what road we were on. I think "Fix You" began to play and I wanted to throw up.
So here I am five years later about to have a baby and I can't get this song out of my head so I go through my CD's which are covered with dust because now I listen to Pandora (who listens to CD's anymore) I find the disc, put it in my car stereo and push advance until I hear the song, track 4 "The scientist" I didn't even know that was the name of the song and that alone undid me.
I listened with all the cells in my body and I keep listening. It means something, I need it to mean something, explain everything, tell me she is here, somewhere, with me, that it's Ok, that she is Ok.