Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I had night full of dreams when I woke at five there was this feeling that Stevie was in my dreams but I couldn't find her, the dreams drifted away into a forgetting place too quickly.
Getting back to sleep is never easy but I grounded myself, surrounded myself with white light and asked Stevie to talk to me.
The dream I had was of a blue car. I was riding in it with my Friend Iva. She had decorated it with big blue flowers for her daughters graduation. Her daughter Briana was still alive (she died shortly after Stevie in real life) Iva was telling me that the car was much nicer when she gave it to Briana and now it was a typical messy teen-ager car. I rolled down the window and one of the flowers began to fall of so I grabbed it before it blew away. It was a big blue tulip.
It was crowded in the car and on my lap was a big fat baby girl. She had a slobbery face and baby hands. I put her in her car seat and she was not happy about that. I began talking to her in baby talk and she talked back. She told me that Stevie told her a secret in her pillow. I thought to myself how could she have talked to Stevie.
Then I looked to my left and there was Stevie in the back seat with us. I said "Stevie did you tell her a story?" and Stevie answered "Yep, you know the one, the Blue Bonnet story" A picture of a field of lupine was in my mind as I remembered the book.
I spoke with Stevie for a few minutes, I can't remember the rest of the conversation I was too busy just looking at her lips move and taking in the beauty of that face I miss so much. In this dream she was younger, maybe thirteen. Her hair was blond then and she had the sweetest cheeks.
As soon as I remembered that she had died she disappeared.
When I woke from the dream I went into Noah's room to find the book. I keep books. The kids just pass them down, in our family books are important. The kids books tell their own story but they also tell the story of our family. My kids scribbled in them, some were favorites, some were potty training books, some were books bought to cheer you up.
This book was given to Stevie a thousand Christmas mornings ago. I bought it for her because when she was little she loved DePAOLA he wrote a book about pancakes and one called Strega Nona. Strega Nona was actually delivered to my door the week after Stevie died. She had ordered it, I don't know why.
I never read The Legend Of Blue Bonnet. Stevie was reading well by the time she got it and Noah never asked for me to read it. I did find it on his shelf though and I went back to bed and read it to him this morning.
It is about a little girl whose tribe is dying because there has been no rain. The great spirits tell the shaman that the tribe must give up it's most valued posses ions as a burnt offering in order to end the famine. The little girl is the only one who brings an offering to the fire that night. She brings her doll. This doll is her most valued possession because it is all she has left to remember her family. The girl is called "She-Who-Is-Alone because her whole family has died.
In the morning blue lupine cover the hills where she spread the ashes of her offering and the great spirits ended the famine.
This is a story told to explain why every spring blue lupine cover the hills of Texas. It is a promise, forgiveness and selflessness.
I am sitting here in tears, at the end of the story the tribe re-names the girl, she is called "One-Who-Dearly-Loved-Her-People"
I can think of a million reasons why I had the dream and read the book but I don't think I have figured out the one reason yet.
The yellow tulips and daffs Stevie and I planted are pushing through the frozen ground in our backyard. Spring is coming...
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I am feeling blue.
The sky outside is heavy and gray, the rain comes and goes and it is biting cold.
I am sitting in my studio, I moved it out into the sun room so that I could have more light and could be in the house, here for Noah. I am trying to appreciate the space, it really is so much more space than I've had in a long time. It just feels empty, I feel empty.
I have been living in warm water, trying to cheer myself up with bubbles, magazines and chocolate. Once the tub drains and I am laying in bed smelling like sugar, cherries and 70% cocoa the blue slips in again.
Heath Ledger died yesterday. I think that might be what triggered this. It was a shock to see the news come up on my computer. Stevie didn't have a crush on him but she loved the movie Ten Things I Hate About You. Aly watched it with her about a hundred times because Aly thought Ledger was babe. Stevie's taste runs a little strange she has always had a crush on Jason Schwartsman and wore the Rushmore DVD down to a nub. So Ledger was one of those household names for us better known as Aly's boyfriend.
The news was strange. It felt like another hit. I didn't know the boy personally, I wasn't a fan. I have been known to say that I only watched Brokeback Mountain to see Jake's naked bottom...I thought Ledger was a little stinky looking. OK, OK, I cried my head off at the end of the movie but it was a sad movie.
My point is and sorry for digressing so much...here is this young kid, prime of his life, new baby, great career, and from what is coming out in the media a really down to earth nice guy and in a blink of an eye gone. Life is like that, it can be here and you just assume it will always be here then nothing.
He was my daughters generation...if she were still alive she would have cried. She would have felt bad for his daughter and his parents. She and Aly would stay up late talking about him and probably pull out DVD's and have movie all-nighter.
I know what his family is feeling. They can't believe it. They have to pick out a casket, flowers, work out a service, the phone is ringing, relatives and friends are showing up. They are looking for pictures and a shirt that still smells like him. His mom is remembering when he was a baby, when he lost his first tooth, the day he got his first acting job. His dad is worrying about the last argument they had and wishes he would have told him how proud he was of him more. They now have a big hole in their lives where there once was this very real person.
It happens, everywhere, all the time. I wish it didn't. I wish I could find a cure for cancer then invent a magic potion that keeps children from dying before their parents do.
There is a photo of Noah on my desk in front of me. He is only ten hours old. We are both sleeping and look so much alike, a mama monkey with her little monkey baby. I am tired but content. He is blissed out warm and cuddled up cheek on my heart. This is one of the happiest day's in a mothers life, there is nothing like this feeling but it is also the most frightening because up until this moment you never realized you could not live without that child.
God forbid you should have to try.
If you have a child take this day, this moment to send a prayer of protection out to the universe, I will join you. Then find them, pull them away from the television, the video game, call them on their cell phone. Squeeze them tight, take a deep breath and fill your lungs with them and whisper into their ear "Oh I love you so"
I will keep working on that potion but first a hot bath.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
This has been a strange day. Biting cold. I know, I know, it's California how cold can it be? Well cold enough that you don't really want to leave the house. You just want to sit around all day in fuzzy slippers, warm pajamas and make soup and hot cocoa.
I did not get to sit around in pajamas I had errands to run and a resume to write. I have not written a resume in twelve years. Yuck...What is the point, everyone lies anyway right? I kept thinking if everyone is puffing their resume up then I have to inflate mine extra big to even have it looked at. I tried but it just got silly. I swear you can make pencil sharpening sound like rocket engineering. I decided to just tell the truth and wow them after the hire me. Do you think putting a twenty in the envelope gets you to the top of the pile? I guess you would have to have a Pay Pal button if you are submitting online.
I applied for a really crappy job at a really wonderful company. I think Pixar is amazing, they make magic happen. They want me to know Mac so I am going down to the Apple store and learning it. They want me to know illustrator and I looked it up to buy it and holy cow it is expensive. You will never guess what I found in my program directory? Yes, illustrator and it was registered: Stevie C Mac. Not sure when she got it and installed it but it's there. I played with it today, a lot of fun!
Thank you Stevie.
I need a really good job or lottery numbers. Hey, both would be great too. I am not greedy I just want to make art, play with Noah, not worry about money. I don't need to be a big spender I just need a little more security and a lot less stress. I don't mind working hard if it is a job I love. Gotta love your job.
The car people just called, my car is ready to be picked up. Gotta run.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
It was raining.
I was bored beyond belief.
I had clay.
I had a camera.
I made a short.
This is the first time I have ever tried, it was incredibly fun.
I can never do anything just once so I bought more clay and I am going to make another one.
Click here to see it
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
I will honor my life, honor my time here:
-I will do.
-I will be.
-to be kind
-live in grace
-spend time being quiet and still.
I plan to spend more time with my children and be truly
present in their lives.
I will avoid people and situations that give me great discomfort:
-I can not fix them, it isn't for me to do.
-There is no room in me to carry more pain and drama.
-I need to break the habit of believing I deserve this kind of energy in my life.
I will finish what I begin.
I will attract new friends into my life.
I will be a good model for my children.
I will let go of anger:
-Give my self permission to start over.
-kindly walk away instead of building a fire.
-Leave the past were it belongs.
-Look for true lessons and not just reasons to excuse my behavior.
-Understand that anger does not help me grow, it keeps me stuck.
-See myself as a person not a feeling.
Realize that I am a human in a physical body for a reason and I must live a full human life. I will be present in every moment of my life and carefully collect my experiences.
Realize I am a soul that lives in this body, a soul that needs to be honored and cared for, it needs nourishment, love, pleasure and rest just like my body. I will remember that I am not just this body.
I will let God love me.