Friday, June 26, 2009

Big Hair and the Circle Star

Well it was a big day yesterday for the entertainment industry, two icons gone...

I remember my cousin Ron (and every other teenage boy) had the Farah in the red bathing suit- nipples at attention poster hanging in his room. I remember thinking how beautiful she was and how I wanted more than anything in the world to have two things:

1. Boobs
2. Big Hair

Lucky for me curling irons and a home perm weren't too expensive but the boobs would be harder to come by and a long wait. The boob fairy finally did visit me after the birth of my first child. Because this fairy was late she decided to make up for it by giving my great-grandmothers heavy breasts. It is feast or famine with me always.

Charlies Angels...sigh. You had to love that cheesy show, the original crew made me want a jump suit, made me want to learn karate, made me want to wear lipstick. Alas I was trapped in a skinny boys body but I loved those angels.

Although I am not a People magazine reader and I don't follow what goes on in the magic world of all things shiny I did respect Farrah making the documentary of her cancer journey. I have not seen it but I think it can only raise awareness when someone who was the standard of beauty in her prime allows the public to see what cancer takes away. It isn't like the movies, it is painful, scary, and ugly.

Thank you Farrah for raising cancer awareness.

Michael. It was a shock to hear that he had passed, I knew it would happen some day I just could never imagine Michael Jackson at 70. It was hard to believe he was 50. My instincts tell me his demise was drug related but it doesn't really matter how he left, it was just his time. His heart breaking seems like a tragic and fitting ending.

I was a fan, then a confused and conflicted fan when he was dealing with the molestation accusations. The plastic surgery never bothered me it is just what people do. His choices were just out there where people could examine it and act shocked and amazed. C'mon what celebrity hasn't been nipped-tucked and had things plumped up or moved around. It's mainstream now, I know more people who have had work done than people who have not.

The monkey, the out-there clothing, Lisa Presley, Neverland, seriously how could that shock anyone. Hollywood is the land of make-believe and he gave people something to talk about, to wonder about and keep them interested, pure marketing genius.

Surrogate mothers...he wanted children for what ever reason, most of us do. I don't care about his sexuality, in these times it seems silly that anyone is really all that shocked or concerned.

The molestation charges. This bothers me. I have no tolerance for pedophiles. I also don't believe children lie about these things. I have my doubts where money is concerned. The first little boys family took 23 million dollars and chose not to prosecute, there is something a little selfish and greedy about that. As a mother I would first want to rip the genitals off the person who did this to my child then I would want them to spend the rest of their days behind bars where they could hurt no other child, money would be the last thing on my mind.

The second little boy...not sure how I feel about that. I wasn't at the trial, I do not know what the jurors heard or why they chose a not-guilty verdict.

I think, and hope that this man will be remembered for the good things he did, and he did do things that changed lives for the better. He did give, he did make a difference. I think all people should be remembered for what they gave.

When I was a kid I went to see The Jackson Five at the Circle Star theater in Oakland. we were way up front and it was spectacular. These boys sang their hearts out. Micheal had a fro back then and all the brothers wore bell bottoms, I thought that was boss. I was a runny nosed little tom-boy but I danced my little chicken legs off.

While I was driving home I spoke to Stevie, I told her, "Hey Michael Jackson is in heaven now, how cool is that" She had a little collection of DVDs that she use to watch. To her it was all "Old School" and she loved the music and videos. Stevie didn't judge people. She like them or didn't like them, there was never an explanation or an apology, she never wavered or changed her mind. She could just feel to the heart of a person. She didn't have time to waste.

I wonder if that is how we should all live. I could have saved hundreds of hours of my life if I didn't try to help people who didn't really want help, change people who were happy in their misery, trying to build friendships with people I didn't really like because I thought it was the right thing to do. My instincts were always right but always a hindsight observation.

I am not saying people should be hateful or avoid helping another person,it isn't about the worth of a person. What I am saying is that we all have a moral compass, good instincts, and if we listen to that without judgement we could live a little more effectively.

I get lost in this. I always tell myself that that gut feeling isn't a tool for me to move in another direction but a challenge, a hurdle that will help me build a better me if I do the right thing, maybe I am wrong.

The universe gives us a road map for our lives, Point A to Point B. It offers us guidance and direction. We have the freedom to take our own route and we can make it as long or as difficult as we like. Only two things are for sure; there is a point B and there are no shortcuts.

I think I am going to stick to my map now, listen to that inner guidance, love when my heart tells me to, run when my heart tells me to. My girl had this all figured out by the time she was five, I am a slow learner.

For some reason humans need idols, and icons serve a purpose but they to die and fade away, making room for other icons.

We can chose who we love, I think we should learn to see lovable greatness in ourselves and not hang all our hopes and dreams on someone else who seems bigger and better.

This is the only life we have and know right now, we have to be kings and queens of our own beauty and promise.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


I just finished reading Elsewhere I found the book at Target, I was looking for some summer reading for Noah. I am sure this is his "reading" summer. The girls both had a magic summer just like I did when they discovered how to fall into a book and not come up for air until dinner time.

I passed the book up once then went back to it like a magnet. Noah started reading it and loved it so I started reading it and I fell in love with it. It is about a girl who dies and what happens after.

There were too many moments in the story that made the book feel personal. I know authors write what they do for what ever reason and it has nothing to do with anyone else but themselves, it is their art and it is personal only to them. Issabelle Allende and Jodi Piccult have both said that a story finds them, they listen and write it all down. I can almost believe that someone whispered this story into Ms.Gabrielle's ear so that one summer I would find it on a shelf when I needed it most and it would help heal my heart a little.

I had a dream a while ago that the date 7-12 was important. I think it might be still. Next month The Time Travelers Daughter will be released at theaters. This was one of Stevie's favorite books. The movie was set to be released earlier (much earlier) but they had to make a ton of post production changes, I heard through the grapevine that the ending had to be changed.

So next month I will be able to see this book come to life...I am taking Stevie with me. I will leave an open seat next to me for her. I will bring one of her sweaters and put it on the seat so everyone will know it is taken.

It's fathers day. We are going to take the boat out to the delta, it should be about 85 degrees with a little more wind than I like but it could be a nice day.

There is so much more I want to write but I will have to save it for another day, Steve and Noah are getting itchy to leave.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

wrapping night around me

I've been writing in my journal more and more. I forgot how good it feels to create letters with a pen on paper. I make lists. I am a list maker. Writing it all down in neat little rows makes me feel like I am making progress towards being more organized, I am not sure it works that way.

Today's list:

Finish the laundry (I didn't)
Get Noah of to school and remember to pick him up at 12:30 (I did)
Finish the little paper birds for the shop (almost done)
Go for a nice long walk after dinner (I did the dinner part)
Register Noah for drama camp (I forgot)
Make Polenta for dinner (I did but no one ate it)
Get my Rx refilled (done)
answer emails (read them, did not answer them)

Am I the only one who does this?

I have been doing a lot of research, it is easy to lose hours doing reading. I am obsessed with reincarnation. So many people on this planet embrace the idea but here in the West we are still scratching our heads.

As with most ideas that are a outside our little box of comfort we first question how it will effect mainstream Christianity. I listened to two parents with a child who has offered a great deal of strong evidence that he was a reincarnated air force Pilot shot down in WW2. I loved what they said, "This has not changed our faith it has strengthened it" It would be so much easier if most people wondered more about how integrating a new idea would enrich their belief system instead of fearing discovery.

I have my obvious reason for being curious but the more I learn the more interesting it becomes. In India almost every child talks about the life they had before they were born and parents listen, they are interested, they do not question it. In most cases the memory fades by age seven as the child learns to love his current family and rediscovers childhood.

The late Dr.Ian Stevenson studied thousands of these children. He evaluated the cases after much investigation. The stories that unfolded were mysterious and beautiful. He reunited children with past families, the children recognizing siblings, knowing where toys were kept and remembering how they died.

I wonder why it is such a difficult thing for us here to believe. We rationalize, tell ourselves it is something people created to ease the pain of loss and calm the fear of death. Don't we do that anyway with Heaven?

If we observe nature a tree grows from a seed, it gives fruit that is eaten, the seeds are carried off and grow into more trees. The leaves on the trees fall in Autumn and the tree sleeps for the season. The fallen leaves turn into mulch that protects and feeds the trees and in spring new leaves and fruit appear, year after year.

Energy can not be destroyed. Tree's do not disappear in nature. Tree energy remains tree energy and human energy must remain human energy. When we die we simply sleep through a season and wake when it is warm again. It is a thought I kinda like.

Tonight I am fighting the urge to bake a cake. I need sugar, everyone has a vice and sugar is mine. A homemade lemon raspberry cake is calling to me like a siren...

Stevie was my partner in crime, we are desert queens. If she was here I would make it and not even think twice, or she would, either way I would get stuck with the dishes.

I might just swim instead, the sun has gone down and the sky is that deep bruisy lavender before dark. It is kinda sad but I like it. I like watching night happen, stars appearing one by one. Night is magic, it is another world. I use to be so afraid of the dark, now it is a comfort. The sky feels like a big sparkling blanket. I remember reading once about stars being tiny windows people made in heaven to keep an eye on us. Heaven must be well lit and there must be a whole lot of heavenly people keeping an eye on us here.