Wednesday, February 1, 2012

frozen hope

It's February and it actually looked like winter for a minute or two this morning; gray skies, drizzle, chilly enough for a scarf and heavy sweater. Not sure what happened, it's global warming or my imagination but the sun came out and it feels a little more like spring...what happened to winter?

I'm keeping busy at work trying to put check marks to the things I promised myself I would finally do on my "Seriously, when are you going to get this done" list.

My sweet boy is in play after play, making girls smile, making me proud to be his mama, what a sweet little man, what a voice, I like that kid a lot.

Aly is frustrated with school again, taking a break, trying to evaluate what she really wants to be when she grows up. She is an artist, she can't fight it or change it, not only that but she's really, really, an incredible artist. I think when she wakes up and believes it, everything will change for her.

Life is just moves like the water in a stream, it has a direction and a flow, we are just the stones, smooth and worn where the water glides over us year after year. We might move or change but still the water runs over us and time passes, we make the same sound, it calms the birds, talks to the wind, mingles with the rain.

I found out that there are three embryos left, Claire's siblings. Because they are her family they are mine, because I adopted them I am responsible for them, and love them. I know someone is reading this and shaking their head "for real? they are a frozen science experament, totcicles, not even part of you biologically" Maybe you are right but that isn't how I see it, how I feel.

I went through a lot of pain, did a lot of waiting, cried a lot of tears, and traveled far, far down this road for them. They are hope to me, they could be my children. I think about them, and I want to bring them home.

I could say "sorry I don't want them" and cross my fingers someone else will adopt them, I doubt they will. It has to be disclosed that Claire died of BRA that caused potters syndrome. It can be genetic and the odds of it happening again (if that is what it was) are 50% If it was a fluke, (which it most likely is we can't know) then the odds are about 4%.

No one will take that chance, no one will sign up for that pain. I would.

I would rather they lived for 12 hours in the warm body of the mother who loves them, who believes they deserve a chance at life than to die in a dish in a lab.

I know this raises a lot of neck hairs, and I am sorry if you feel strange about it. I might sound a bit crazy I know but this is where I am.

The baby money has run out, not that there ever was any. Steve assures me I am done, because he can't see how this could turn out well for him.

So I have decisions to make.

I want to give these embryo's a chance, I want and need another chance. It might all go down ugly and very sad but it could also be a miracle. One of my husbands relatives made a statement that I was dealing with this in an unhealthy way. It seemed to me sad that this person would say that given that they had a child after the death of thier child.

Many people are afraid of technology stepping in and doing what they believe only "God" should do and some feel that natural selection is what it is and maybe people who can't have a child should not, it is nature choosing the strongest to survive. The funny thing is these are thoughts that usually come from someone who does not desire to make a family or who already has one, made the easy way.

I have learned a lot on this journey and it is that you can never really judge anyone, not until you have stood where they are with your heart exposed.

If you needed a kidney to save your life and another person was willing to give you one of thiers it wouldn't be "that kidney" It wouldn't be a strange organ, you wouldn't be shaking your fist and saying "I will not let these surgeons play god, I am not meant to live, let the strongest survive" Nope. You would thank God, your donor, and every person that helped you along the way. That small organ would be your hope, your chance.

A child is no different for a mother, especially a mother who has had to deal with a great amount of loss.

I can't adopt. I don't want to do foster care, I could never give a child back to a person that has hurt it, no matter how many parenting classes they took in jail.

I may have to just be happy with the experiences I have had, be grateful, and maybe let this part of my life go. It goes against all that I am but I may not have a choice. I am a fighter but somethings you can't fight for, you can only do what you can, what is in your power and offer the rest to the universe.

This is a year of great change...learning, acceptance.

I am grateful for what I have had, I know I am blessed.