Friday, October 12, 2012

The scientist

I'm going back to the start...

For weeks "The Scientist" by Cold Play keeps playing in my mind and heart when I wake up.  It happens to me, I wake up with a song everyday.  It isn't a Cinderella-kinda-wake-up moment.  I don't wake up sunshiney birds helping me make the bed, a little tune I can't help but hum.  I wake up with a song and it stays until I find it, play it, and really listen.  There are times when it makes no sense to me at all and sometimes it brings me to my knees.

The Scientist brought me to my knees and it is haunting me still.  Many years ago I bought the album (CD who says album anymore?)  Stevie and I listened to it on a little red portable CD player I put in her room.  She was sick, music made her feel better when she couldn't read, drink coffee, or eat fruit.    On this particular day music was all I had to offer and I thought she would enjoy the album.  She thought it was funny that I did, Cold Play not being on my playlist.

I remember the music made me sad, it was telling a story I didn't want to hear, it was marking time and I wanted to push it away.  I knew I  would remember that moment in time, us in her room, the red of the CD player, her head on her pillow, the sun coming in through the window, the smell of the room,  it would be a charm on my memory bracelet, one that I did not choose but was given to me and I wanted to scream for it all to stop all these frozen bits of time, I didn't want them I just wanted her and ordinary forgettable moments, teenager-mom fights, shoes on the floor, dishes undone, one more ride somewhere,  a messy bathroom with wet towels and make up left out, ordinary stuff, not this.

The tears came so I had to turn away, pretend I was stronger than I was, act like I didn't know what was happening, what road we were on.  I think "Fix You" began to play and I wanted to throw up.

So here I am five years later about to have a baby and I can't get this song out of my head so I go through my CD's which are covered with dust because now I listen to Pandora (who listens to CD's anymore)  I find the disc, put it in my car stereo and push advance until I hear the song, track 4 "The scientist"  I didn't even know that was the name of the song and that alone undid me.

I listened with all the cells in my body and I keep listening.  It means something, I need it to mean something, explain everything, tell me she is here, somewhere, with me, that it's Ok, that she is Ok.

I wake up with the song, day after day, I am missing something...

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The 19th

I woke up at 12:30  on the 18th my bed wet...I thought for a moment that maybe my water broke but it was too early and I wasn't ready, my babies are never born early, and I had taxes to file at work that morning.  I put a pad on, laid a towel down under me and went back to sleep.  I was so tired, I had been working so hard to get the store ready, to get the nursery ready, to get Noah's party planned for Friday.

I woke up feeling a little embarrassed that my bladder had leaked and I needed to wash my sheets.  As I was loading up the washer I felt a small gush of fluid and I knew...  I cried, it was too early, I wasn't ready, it wasn't time, this wasn't how I planned it.  Steve seemed annoyed at my moment of weakness, and the fact that this was not a great day to go into labor, we both had so much to do.  He left for his appointments out of town and I promised to give him a call after I had seen the doctor.

I was in denial but so was the doctor, she wasn't convinced it was my amniotic fluid leaking and sent me home with litmus paper to use if I should have another "gush"  She patted me and said, "it isn't uncommon for our bladders to leak at this stage of pregnancy.  She said magic words but didn't know she had they gave me permission to go back to work, to not worry and I started to relax or go into overdrive, same thing as far as I am concerned.

I went to Costco, I ordered birthday cake, I filled our freezer, I went to work, I stocked and cleaned and did taxes then I went home and gush...litmus blue.

Steve was still out of town so Noah, Aly and I drove to the hospital where they confirmed I had ruptured and it had been more than 12 hours, and labor did not look like it was going to start on it's own or not as fast as they would have liked it to.  They admitted me and began induction.

This labor was like nothing I have ever known.

I usually start off slow;  swim, walk, eat, sleep, take long hot baths and wait until it is time to go to the hospital.  I get there, I have a baby.  I have never had an unbearable contraction, I have never labored for hours and hours getting nowhere.  I am designed to have babies, I do it well.

Pitocin is not my friend and an induced labor is very different from a natural labor, it is fast and hard and it got on top of me before I could catch my breath.  I labored through the night, everyone took turns sleeping, no one knew what to do, Steve wasn't there for me like he had been in the past, he was making a statement I guess, "I am here but I am not here for you, I didn't agree to this, I won't get caught up in it"  It hurt me but I was determined.  I was in a lot of pain and at some point I agreed to an epidural.

The epidural did not work, it seems I have an unusual anatomy and the medication provided me with a numb left side, mostly leg and bottom, it provided me with an odd kind of 'pain relief' but something was better than nothing.  They could not remedy the situation and after laboring for hours without much progress I suddenly began moving quite quickly.

The sun came up, everyone jumped into action gathering camera's, getting excited, even Steve couldn't help but move into his familiar position at my side, saying the words he always says, coaching me even though he didn't want to. 

I panicked when they told me I was complete, I cried, I was afraid, it was all happening too soon, he was too small, it was the 19th, oh my God it was the 19th...The day Stevie was diagnosed, the day she died, how old she was when she left.   Stevie was not here, and a baby was coming, and Steve was not happy, and Noah was waiting, and Aly was afraid, and quite possibly we could all be here at this hospital and not take a child home again.

I pushed twice and Elliott arrived easily, he emerged tiny and crying.  I heard Steve say, "he is perfect, he is perfect" and I believed him.  I heard crying lots of crying, I was crying.  Five years before we were all here at this hospital saying good-bye to Stevie, last year I was here letting Claire go and this time there is this little guy, so small, so strong, so real and the 19th became a sign to me that Stevie was close by, so close.

Elliott weighed in at 5 pounds 7 ounces and was 18 inches long, the smallest child of mine.  He was healthy and even though he was early the only thing we both had to endure was four hours in the nursery and an extra day in the hospital.  We went home on Friday, the day of Noah's birthday party.

Noah had his brother home, his mama home and a great celebration with all his friends at Rock n Jump.    The cake I ordered was beautiful, the party I planned was wonderful.

I am sitting her in a patch of sunlight on Stevie's bed, my little mouse close by napping.  He is a week old today.  He is a little yellow and we are trying to let the sun and lots of nursing get rid of his extra billirubin.  He is so beautiful, so very beautiful.  I am happy.

It is hard to believe a week has gone by, that I thought I would still be pregnant, in my 37th week, I would be finishing up at the store, I would buy a breast pump, wash the rest of his clothes, swim, walk, wait...instead he is here and he is real and my heart could just burst.

Is he Stevie?  Is he Claire?  I don't know.  I don't care.  He is Elliott, in this life that is all he has to be.  He has a long nose, the tiniest blond eyelashes, he has soft hair that is barely there brown a tiny bit of blond in the sun.  He has the lips all my kids have, full-missy-lips.  This boy has the longest feet with fingers for toes, and thin hands with spider fingers that I love to touch and kiss, so delicate, maybe he will be a surgeon.

He is small, so very small with a tiny squeak for a cry that get's stronger each day.  I call him mouse but  I know it will be a silly name for such a tall boy, I am sure he is going to be very tall.  His ears are like tiny shells, his belly-button still an outie and fine hair on his shoulders that will soon disappear, that I would have never seen if he would have been born later.

I can't wait to know what color his eyes will be, I have imagined green or brown but I just can't tell yet they are newborn grey-blue.

I know everyone wants to ask about what it feels like to give birth to a non-genetic child, is it different? and the answer is NO.  He is my child, my donors provided the blue print and I handled the rest, well Elliott and I.  He is familiar to me, he is my son, I know his smell, his patterns, his movements.  When he heard my voice he calmed, he opened his eyes and we knew each other, the only regret was that it took so long to find each other again.

I have said a prayer and I visualized all the donors hearing it in their sleep, I said "Thank you, all of you for this boy, our boy, for the gift of your shared cells so that I could parent again, to know this joy, feel this happiness, be healed by this miracle, thank you for being a part of our journey, helping us find each other, building a bridge so that we could get to the next place.  I don't know you but you are in my heart, you are my family, we are all a family."

I am in love.  I am so glad I never gave up, it's like I knew this day was coming I just had to find my way to it, and here I am, here we are.

I was afraid, I thought I wasn't ready but I was and it all happened like it should, each piece of this falling into it's perfect place.

Thank you Stevie for being here with me, for chosing the 19th, I understand it now.  You are not at that hospital, when I took Elliott home I took every memory of you and I there with me.  Happy Birthday sweet girl, I am happy, you don't have to worry about me, we did it baby, thank you for holding my hand, for keeping me strong so I could get to this day.  You are always my strength, my heart, my hope, my love.

Sunday, August 12, 2012


It is August...

Elliott is getting big, thumping and bumping around in his little womb that for him gets smaller everyday but for me gets bigger.  I am so happy he is on his way, in ten weeks he will be here, maybe less.  I will get to meet him, touch him, kiss him and get to know him, this new little boy of mine.

For all the hell Steve has put me through he can not touch this happiness, this sure thing... This little guy is all mine and everything I knew he would be to me.  It is hard for a man to understand a mothers heart, I feel sorry for men a little if don't get this, can't know this, it is so big.  I hope to raise sons who do get it because they have a mother that will teach them how to love with all that they are and never be ashamed to show that side of themselves, instead they will find strength and courage in it, because that is what this is, the willingness to love with all you are regardless of what you stand to lose.

It is hot, finally mother nature has turned up the thermostat and the air conditioner is pumping, the freezer is full of ice, and I am trying to squeeze my watermelon sized body into a swim suit.  I love summer, sure it gets hot and no one likes to be sweaty but how can you not love walking at night when the air is warm, eating ice cream, sitting by a fan in the dark watching something cheesy on TV while you drink iced tea?

This has been a difficult time emotionally, Steve and I are falling apart.  I tell myself we have always been falling apart, we got married too young and for all the wrong reasons.  We are way too different in values and beliefs.  If it wasn't for my determination to keep my family together and his lack of memory and love of denial we would never be here after 27 years.  Falling apart is what we do best.

I have an idea and a craving for a perfect life, my kind of perfect, but I can never seem to make it happen.  I find my happiness where I can.  I love my children, I love family gatherings, I can't wait for celebrations, I love to cook and feed people, I love to read, make art, and write in my journal early in the morning before everyone wakes up.  I cling to these things.

In a perfect world I would have a husband who sees me, all of me, my best and worst parts and loves me anyway.  I would be married to a guy that loves me because I love my children, and  value our family.  He would be proud of the home I have made, like it that I plant flowers and tomatoes and apple trees.  He would find comfort in my getting up early and making breakfast, watch me sit by the window and write and wonder how I do what I do and love that I love it.  He would appreciate that I am a whole person because I choose a road less traveled instead of less than a person because I am not out in the world in a suit bringing home a fat check.

I am married to a good man but he does not see me, he will not.

I feel alone, I always have.

I am having this baby and my heart is full, my soul is content, I am healing...some parts of me are mending that could not have mended any other way.  I wish he could see that this is a good thing, a beautiful gift instead he tries to make me feel like I am selfish, reckless, wrong.

I don't know what the future holds for my marriage, and to be honest part of me has given up caring.  I have too many things to carry, I can't carry it all...if he wants this he may have to learn to carry a little something himself.

I am doing my best to stay in a good place.  Noah makes it easy, he is such an easy kid to love and like.  He loves me well, he loves life, he is a good person, I am a proud mama.  He is so very excited to have a brother, he feels my tummy (when Steve isn't looking) he goes with me to appointments, he is counting the weeks.  He has chosen Elliott's name, and most of his baby clothes.  He will be at the birth, I have promised him the first kiss and he won't miss it.  I am not sure what I did to get such an amazing boy but I am grateful everyday.

I may have only had 19 years with Stevie but I wouldn't change a thing (unless I could cure brain cancer) She is still my best friend, my heart, even if she is my silent companion she is no less a part of my life than before she left her body.  She changed me, she made me better and again I am so grateful, not sure what I did to deserve such a great love and the honor of being her mother.

Elliott is on his way the universe said, " yes", maybe it got tired of me, figured I wouldn't give up.  It is magical, beautiful and I am so excited, so sure of this, no doubts... the two of us traveled a very long way to find each other and the day gets closer and closer and I feel like I might come undone with the waiting for this little boy.

I wonder what he will look like, who he will be, if he will like us.  I pray he will always know how loved he is and how wanted.  I dream that he will be a great person in the world, that he will be an important man and do amazing things.  He is already amazing to me.

For many women this is a time of change in their lives; kids off to college, an empty nest, a new career, menopause, maybe they will run a marathon or write a book, travel or start a new hobby.  This is a time of change for me too.  I am honoring myself, trusting my heart and opening myself up to love, faith, hope and a new beginning.  I am doing what I love most and for once in my life I am not waiting for a nod of approval from anyone, I have learned to love myself enough to give myself what I need and want most.

I have a feeling a may lose things along the way but I am sure what I am embracing is what is meant for me and it will be more than worth it.  I trust that I am on the right path, it has had it's hurdles, I have fallen, I have had to be still and wait.  I have also been told no along the way, made to feel like I ask for too much, do not give enough, and that I will never be enough, but I move forward, I pray to a God I stopped believing in and what ever or who ever that God is has held me up, dried my tears, built me bridges provided nets and has given me more chances when I thought there were none left.

The universe never said "no" it said "how much do you want this"  I must have answered correctly.

Here I am a dream inside a dream.

I thank Stevie because I know she had something to do with this.  I will be 9 months pregnant on her birthday.  I also feel in my heart this journey is about Noah and Elliott.  I can't explain it but I think I am part of bringing them together, maybe it was a deal we all had.  I know it sounds "out -there" but that's the way I operated and I believe these two boys already know each other.

Do I think Elliott is Stevie, that she is coming home?  I wish it from time to time and if I looked into his eyes and could see her there I would not hesitate to believe it but I think Stevie is where she is, she has lived here, done her job and I would like to believe where she is now is so much better than here.  This world was always too small for her.  Her spirit was so big, I can't imagine her being forced into a body with all it's limitations again, especially a boys body, she loved being a girl!

Elliott is who he is and I love him already, loved him when he was in cryo-preservation, loved him when he was a 6 day blast in lab dish, loved him when he was a tiny secret seedling growing in my body.  He is mine, always has been but he is also himself and I can't wait to know who that is.  I am happy to be his mom, his teacher, his guide, his protector, his fan club, his comfort, his family.

To be honest I think he loves me already too.  He has been so great, no morning sickness, he is small and precious, he moves gently, this has been such a great pregnancy, my easiest so far.  I am comfortable, content and I could keep him in here forever if I wasn't so excited to meet him.

Claire's one year is coming soon.  It is sad to me that she was not able to live in this world but I know that she was here as long as she needed to be and it is partly because of her I am here with Elliott, she brought him to me.  I made her a promise and in keeping it Elliott came.

Steve will have to work through his thoughts, I will have to respect his decisions.  I have faith it is all going to work out the way it should.

In ten weeks everything will change.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Because I can...

It is summer.

I woke up this morning to birds singing in my yard, flowers still blooming and the sun shining through the apricot tree, an old tree that was here before we bought the house.  This tree has been through some tough times but as long as it still shows me leaves in the spring it stays right were it is.

I am in a good place, it feels good to say that, my kids are healthy and happy, Stevie is somewhere and I have to believe she is here too, and whole, not confined to a body so she gets to experience even more joy than I can imagine.  Elliott is busy swimming, dreaming, growing and I am waiting to meet him.

Today I am filled with hope and silly tasks;  I have towels to hang on the clothesline, a basket to buy, hopefully in a pretty aqua color if I can find it, for Elliott's changing table.  I have to make Noah's lunch for camp, and go to work where I will dust shelves, and glitter cards, maybe pay some bills.

I feel this little boy wiggle around inside me and I remember carrying my children, and how magical this time is, this secret time when it is just the two of you, and you are as connected as you can ever be to another human being.  I cherish this.

For five years Stevie's room has stayed the same, this month I packed the few things she left up into clear plastic containers and put them in her closet where I keep her shoes and clothes, I need to make room for this baby but I still need the parts of have of her to be close.

I will bring this baby home to her room, the room full of trees the room that still smells like her.  I will cuddle this baby in her big bed and I will imagine her close by, watchful and protective like she was with Noah.

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, if I would get this far, but here I am half way through this pregnancy and like with Claire I understand that we are made up of layers.   There are parts of me that ache for Stevie so much it is hard to breath but there are also parts of me that love and find happiness.

I knew that a baby would help me heal.  I would heal anyway but this is good for me, it is the way I need to do it.

I believe Elliot has chosen me, and that he was always meant to be with us I just had to wait, I had mountains to climb, oceans to swim, tears to release.  It has been a long journey but worth every moment.

I went to Italy last month, I got to see David and I cried, for me David is love, I can see how much love went into creating him, perfect love, a dream.  I walked the old streets of Rome, ate at a cafe right outside the Duomo, woke up to church bells.  My life is good.  It has not been an easy life, and there have been moments when I wanted to lay it down and be done but here I am, this is when it is most beautiful when the storm has passed and you can see the sun shining through the tree in your yard, the tree your kids have climbed, the tree that has given your fruit even after years of looking like it might die.

The birds are singing because they can, because they must.  I am living and learning to be happy again because I can, because I must.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Five years and more...

It has been five years... It has taken me a long time to write this post mostly because I have been distracted, but also because I don't want to think about how long it has been, too long since I have seen your face, touched your cheeks, heard your voice, sat next to you and held your hand while you told me about a book you just read. I went to the cemetery, I brought yellow tulips, cupcakes, fruit, your friends were there before me and brought wild flowers and a little tea pot. We have not forgotten you... Sweet girl where are you? I feel you close sometimes, it's hard to explain, it isn't obvious, not something I can touch. I feel you inside me, all around me, it can last a moment or it can last days. It feels good but it's sad too, it's like we are passing through each other. Five years. Your brother is 12 now, handsome, he sings like an angel, the girls love him and he loves music. He is kind and gentle and moral all the things you loved in a boy, you would be proud of him and I know he wants to make you proud. He looks like you and that is so hard sometimes. It isn't fair to him or to you that I hold him tighter when I see you in him. Your sister will be 27 this year, holy cow Stevie can you believe it? She is still lost, still sad and angry and there is nothing I can do to help her, I make it worse and I don't know why or how. She needs me but she pushes me away. Sometimes I think she blames me for not saving you, I would have if I could have. I think she blames me because I can not fix this thing, and I'm the mama I should be able to fix anything. She is beautiful but won't see it, she needs you, she needs her friend Stevie to laugh at her jokes, give her a hard time and to think she is the coolest person around. She misses you so much, she won't believe in heaven so she misses you more. Ashley and Megan are grown up, graduated from college, they have boyfriends, apartments, lives...I am proud of them but it also hurts knowing that you are not here doing the same thing, that you should be here that I am missing out on helping you move, or celebrating your graduation and first job, falling in love with the boy who falls in love with you. They both got a tatoo to honor you. Megan got a yellow tulip and Ashley did fairy dust and stars with your birthday, it was such a sweet thing to do. I hope Sandy knows how lucky she is her girl's are a blessing. Adrian and Anthony are out of school, playing ball, dating girls driving cars and driving Rich and Kim crazy with this "I am all grown up and can do what I want, but pay my bills and feed me" time of life. I think Kim is lonley for a baby, a child to take care of, she is a mom, she needs kids, this is a hard time for her. Lumpy is drifting, I think he is depressed, I don't know what to do and TT is too tired and too busy. She tries in her own way but she doesn't know what to do he needs motivation, she doesn't motivate him, she can't he doesn't respect her enough. TT is working hard again, she landed on her feet, we all knew she would, she is a survivor. She saved her house and is rebuilding her life, I wish he could see that and be inspired. Dad is 53...he is terrified of being old but he acts old sometimes, I hate it, that thing is happening where people become an exaggeration of themselves. He isn't as happy but he always makes sure he has opportunities to be happy. He still plays tennis, performs (with Jeff) does a movie when he has the chance, travels, plays music. He is still himself I guess but he is changing. I guess we all change over time. Dad and I are still the same, I can't remember a time when we ever really got along. When we were very young we were a team for a while, but we had our differences. So many times I wanted to leave, so many times he wanted to leave but here we are 27 years later. Is this just what marriage is? The one (three) an only thing we ever did that was really good was having kids. I know Dad never really wanted kids and he bitched and complained all the time about it but I think he did an OK job for someone who never really wanted this kind of life. I know he loves you guys, he has worked hard to give you what you need. I think you guys are the best things in his life, you are his opus, his academy award. I am happy Stevie, I have every reason not to be but I am happy. Aly and Noah are healthy, we were able to keep what so many people lost during the recession because dad worked so hard. I have good friends, I have held my family close. It has been difficult since you left, my heart has taken so long to heal, and it is still healing, there have been deaths, sickness, hardship, and a lot of pain but here I am, still standing, still breathing, still able to hope and to love. You my sweet are a part of that, you keep me strong. You endured so much and I watched you, I held you, I listened to you and you never felt sorry for yourself, you never complained, you just kept hoping, kept loving, kept waiting for it to get better. You make me a better person, thank you. In the fall a baby is coming. After Claire died you would think I would be broken, that I couldn't do anymore. Your dad was awful, he said so many hurtful things, made it so much harder than it had to be and I could not understand it. In hindsight I see that if he had been kind and loving, if he had carried some of this for me I would have been ruined. He made me stronger, he forced me to fight back, he brought out the warrior in me. There were embryo's left...I had to make a decision. I knew in my heart that I needed to give them a chance, they were mine. I knew that if I didn't they would be destroyed. My heart wanted another chance, I needed to do this for reasons even I can't explain. I waited for the calm...and it came. It's the moment when you release your need, your pain, your want, your expectations. It isn't a prayer as much as it's a letting go. You say to the universe, "I give this to you, and I am at peace with what ever the outcome is" This calm is an incredible release. Dad was not supportive, there was no more money to make it happen, and the odds that it would work if I could find a way were very small. These embryo's were not great, and if they survived there was a 4-50% chance the same thing that happened to Claire could happen again. I waited in the calm, I stayed still and it all happened. The insurance company paid for some of the procedures I had and the total came up to the exact amount I needed for the transfer. My body healed up, it bounced back, it made itself ready, I didn't need to do much but show up for the transfer. Two embryo's thawed and were implanted, two weeks later I was pregnant. At 16 weeks and before anyone knew I was pregnant (I kept it a secret) I had an ultrasound that showed a healthy little boy with two kidneys. I wanted a girl, I wanted you to come home, I prayed for that miracle but in the stillness and the calm a little boy came, he chose me to be his mama, and that is it's own miracle. You are in heaven, and I have to believe you are happy there, so happy that even invited you said, "I think I will wait here" Noah has named him Elliott. I love that name, I love this baby. I don't know how it works but a mothers heart just get's bigger. This little guy and I have had a long journey, he was always coming I just had to let go and let it happen. My pregnancy will be term on your birthday, is that you telling me that you are still here, still my best friend, telling me that it will be OK? It feels like it. No one replaces you, no one ever will. You are my sweet bunny girl and that never changes. This baby will help heal my heart, and I believe with all of my heart it will bring hope and love to this family. We need this. I am 46 the same age my grandmother was when I was born. I had her my whole life. She loved me in her own way, she protected me, fed me and was my family. She left when she was 90, and it was sad but it was her time, she left when I didn't need her anymore, it's like she stayed until I was OK again. I know it is late in life to have a baby but it feels right. I have concerns because I am human but my soul is at peace with this, I feel like I am on the right path moving in the right direction. Dad is unhappy about my decision to do this, he wants to leave, and I have to respect that. He has been with me since I was a teenager, he has things in his life he wants to to that don't involve diapers and kiddie chaos. Dad is ready for the next stage in his life, he wants to do the things he loves and be in love. He has worked hard, he wants to slow down and find someone to hold his hand on a beach. He wants to act and travel, he needs a partner who wants what he wants. He deserves that. Well my love you see why I am so distracted. I am working hard to keep the store going, raising your brother, taking care of the house, growing a human being and coming to terms with what my be the end of my marriage. I am happy love, this is life, it is messy, unpredictable, sometimes unfair, usually bittersweet, but it is also full of all the other stuff that takes your breath away, makes you smile, makes your heart skip a beat. You can't pick and choose, what comes will come, what should be, will be. I am trying my best to stay in that still and calm place. I feel blessed to have someone I love so much, who loves me, waiting on the other side. When this wild ride is over, I get to be with you. Stay close sweet girl, know that I love you with all that I am. I won't forget, I will never forget. Mama

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

frozen hope

It's February and it actually looked like winter for a minute or two this morning; gray skies, drizzle, chilly enough for a scarf and heavy sweater. Not sure what happened, it's global warming or my imagination but the sun came out and it feels a little more like spring...what happened to winter?

I'm keeping busy at work trying to put check marks to the things I promised myself I would finally do on my "Seriously, when are you going to get this done" list.

My sweet boy is in play after play, making girls smile, making me proud to be his mama, what a sweet little man, what a voice, I like that kid a lot.

Aly is frustrated with school again, taking a break, trying to evaluate what she really wants to be when she grows up. She is an artist, she can't fight it or change it, not only that but she's really, really, an incredible artist. I think when she wakes up and believes it, everything will change for her.

Life is just moves like the water in a stream, it has a direction and a flow, we are just the stones, smooth and worn where the water glides over us year after year. We might move or change but still the water runs over us and time passes, we make the same sound, it calms the birds, talks to the wind, mingles with the rain.

I found out that there are three embryos left, Claire's siblings. Because they are her family they are mine, because I adopted them I am responsible for them, and love them. I know someone is reading this and shaking their head "for real? they are a frozen science experament, totcicles, not even part of you biologically" Maybe you are right but that isn't how I see it, how I feel.

I went through a lot of pain, did a lot of waiting, cried a lot of tears, and traveled far, far down this road for them. They are hope to me, they could be my children. I think about them, and I want to bring them home.

I could say "sorry I don't want them" and cross my fingers someone else will adopt them, I doubt they will. It has to be disclosed that Claire died of BRA that caused potters syndrome. It can be genetic and the odds of it happening again (if that is what it was) are 50% If it was a fluke, (which it most likely is we can't know) then the odds are about 4%.

No one will take that chance, no one will sign up for that pain. I would.

I would rather they lived for 12 hours in the warm body of the mother who loves them, who believes they deserve a chance at life than to die in a dish in a lab.

I know this raises a lot of neck hairs, and I am sorry if you feel strange about it. I might sound a bit crazy I know but this is where I am.

The baby money has run out, not that there ever was any. Steve assures me I am done, because he can't see how this could turn out well for him.

So I have decisions to make.

I want to give these embryo's a chance, I want and need another chance. It might all go down ugly and very sad but it could also be a miracle. One of my husbands relatives made a statement that I was dealing with this in an unhealthy way. It seemed to me sad that this person would say that given that they had a child after the death of thier child.

Many people are afraid of technology stepping in and doing what they believe only "God" should do and some feel that natural selection is what it is and maybe people who can't have a child should not, it is nature choosing the strongest to survive. The funny thing is these are thoughts that usually come from someone who does not desire to make a family or who already has one, made the easy way.

I have learned a lot on this journey and it is that you can never really judge anyone, not until you have stood where they are with your heart exposed.

If you needed a kidney to save your life and another person was willing to give you one of thiers it wouldn't be "that kidney" It wouldn't be a strange organ, you wouldn't be shaking your fist and saying "I will not let these surgeons play god, I am not meant to live, let the strongest survive" Nope. You would thank God, your donor, and every person that helped you along the way. That small organ would be your hope, your chance.

A child is no different for a mother, especially a mother who has had to deal with a great amount of loss.

I can't adopt. I don't want to do foster care, I could never give a child back to a person that has hurt it, no matter how many parenting classes they took in jail.

I may have to just be happy with the experiences I have had, be grateful, and maybe let this part of my life go. It goes against all that I am but I may not have a choice. I am a fighter but somethings you can't fight for, you can only do what you can, what is in your power and offer the rest to the universe.

This is a year of great change...learning, acceptance.

I am grateful for what I have had, I know I am blessed.