Sunday, August 12, 2012


It is August...

Elliott is getting big, thumping and bumping around in his little womb that for him gets smaller everyday but for me gets bigger.  I am so happy he is on his way, in ten weeks he will be here, maybe less.  I will get to meet him, touch him, kiss him and get to know him, this new little boy of mine.

For all the hell Steve has put me through he can not touch this happiness, this sure thing... This little guy is all mine and everything I knew he would be to me.  It is hard for a man to understand a mothers heart, I feel sorry for men a little if don't get this, can't know this, it is so big.  I hope to raise sons who do get it because they have a mother that will teach them how to love with all that they are and never be ashamed to show that side of themselves, instead they will find strength and courage in it, because that is what this is, the willingness to love with all you are regardless of what you stand to lose.

It is hot, finally mother nature has turned up the thermostat and the air conditioner is pumping, the freezer is full of ice, and I am trying to squeeze my watermelon sized body into a swim suit.  I love summer, sure it gets hot and no one likes to be sweaty but how can you not love walking at night when the air is warm, eating ice cream, sitting by a fan in the dark watching something cheesy on TV while you drink iced tea?

This has been a difficult time emotionally, Steve and I are falling apart.  I tell myself we have always been falling apart, we got married too young and for all the wrong reasons.  We are way too different in values and beliefs.  If it wasn't for my determination to keep my family together and his lack of memory and love of denial we would never be here after 27 years.  Falling apart is what we do best.

I have an idea and a craving for a perfect life, my kind of perfect, but I can never seem to make it happen.  I find my happiness where I can.  I love my children, I love family gatherings, I can't wait for celebrations, I love to cook and feed people, I love to read, make art, and write in my journal early in the morning before everyone wakes up.  I cling to these things.

In a perfect world I would have a husband who sees me, all of me, my best and worst parts and loves me anyway.  I would be married to a guy that loves me because I love my children, and  value our family.  He would be proud of the home I have made, like it that I plant flowers and tomatoes and apple trees.  He would find comfort in my getting up early and making breakfast, watch me sit by the window and write and wonder how I do what I do and love that I love it.  He would appreciate that I am a whole person because I choose a road less traveled instead of less than a person because I am not out in the world in a suit bringing home a fat check.

I am married to a good man but he does not see me, he will not.

I feel alone, I always have.

I am having this baby and my heart is full, my soul is content, I am healing...some parts of me are mending that could not have mended any other way.  I wish he could see that this is a good thing, a beautiful gift instead he tries to make me feel like I am selfish, reckless, wrong.

I don't know what the future holds for my marriage, and to be honest part of me has given up caring.  I have too many things to carry, I can't carry it all...if he wants this he may have to learn to carry a little something himself.

I am doing my best to stay in a good place.  Noah makes it easy, he is such an easy kid to love and like.  He loves me well, he loves life, he is a good person, I am a proud mama.  He is so very excited to have a brother, he feels my tummy (when Steve isn't looking) he goes with me to appointments, he is counting the weeks.  He has chosen Elliott's name, and most of his baby clothes.  He will be at the birth, I have promised him the first kiss and he won't miss it.  I am not sure what I did to get such an amazing boy but I am grateful everyday.

I may have only had 19 years with Stevie but I wouldn't change a thing (unless I could cure brain cancer) She is still my best friend, my heart, even if she is my silent companion she is no less a part of my life than before she left her body.  She changed me, she made me better and again I am so grateful, not sure what I did to deserve such a great love and the honor of being her mother.

Elliott is on his way the universe said, " yes", maybe it got tired of me, figured I wouldn't give up.  It is magical, beautiful and I am so excited, so sure of this, no doubts... the two of us traveled a very long way to find each other and the day gets closer and closer and I feel like I might come undone with the waiting for this little boy.

I wonder what he will look like, who he will be, if he will like us.  I pray he will always know how loved he is and how wanted.  I dream that he will be a great person in the world, that he will be an important man and do amazing things.  He is already amazing to me.

For many women this is a time of change in their lives; kids off to college, an empty nest, a new career, menopause, maybe they will run a marathon or write a book, travel or start a new hobby.  This is a time of change for me too.  I am honoring myself, trusting my heart and opening myself up to love, faith, hope and a new beginning.  I am doing what I love most and for once in my life I am not waiting for a nod of approval from anyone, I have learned to love myself enough to give myself what I need and want most.

I have a feeling a may lose things along the way but I am sure what I am embracing is what is meant for me and it will be more than worth it.  I trust that I am on the right path, it has had it's hurdles, I have fallen, I have had to be still and wait.  I have also been told no along the way, made to feel like I ask for too much, do not give enough, and that I will never be enough, but I move forward, I pray to a God I stopped believing in and what ever or who ever that God is has held me up, dried my tears, built me bridges provided nets and has given me more chances when I thought there were none left.

The universe never said "no" it said "how much do you want this"  I must have answered correctly.

Here I am a dream inside a dream.

I thank Stevie because I know she had something to do with this.  I will be 9 months pregnant on her birthday.  I also feel in my heart this journey is about Noah and Elliott.  I can't explain it but I think I am part of bringing them together, maybe it was a deal we all had.  I know it sounds "out -there" but that's the way I operated and I believe these two boys already know each other.

Do I think Elliott is Stevie, that she is coming home?  I wish it from time to time and if I looked into his eyes and could see her there I would not hesitate to believe it but I think Stevie is where she is, she has lived here, done her job and I would like to believe where she is now is so much better than here.  This world was always too small for her.  Her spirit was so big, I can't imagine her being forced into a body with all it's limitations again, especially a boys body, she loved being a girl!

Elliott is who he is and I love him already, loved him when he was in cryo-preservation, loved him when he was a 6 day blast in lab dish, loved him when he was a tiny secret seedling growing in my body.  He is mine, always has been but he is also himself and I can't wait to know who that is.  I am happy to be his mom, his teacher, his guide, his protector, his fan club, his comfort, his family.

To be honest I think he loves me already too.  He has been so great, no morning sickness, he is small and precious, he moves gently, this has been such a great pregnancy, my easiest so far.  I am comfortable, content and I could keep him in here forever if I wasn't so excited to meet him.

Claire's one year is coming soon.  It is sad to me that she was not able to live in this world but I know that she was here as long as she needed to be and it is partly because of her I am here with Elliott, she brought him to me.  I made her a promise and in keeping it Elliott came.

Steve will have to work through his thoughts, I will have to respect his decisions.  I have faith it is all going to work out the way it should.

In ten weeks everything will change.