Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Tears come hot and fast, I feel a trembling inside me that feels like I might be breaking apart and I wrap my arms around myself to hold me together, and I let the seconds loop, I have to its all I have and I would rather have that and the pain then to not have it at all. The memories keep me alive but they are painful so painful.
There is a scene in "What Dreams May Come" Robin Williams plays a guy who has crossed over and but he loves and misses his wife so much that instead of living in his heaven he follows her as a ghost. He does everything he can to communicate with her in her grief, and she is deep in it. The closer he gets the worse it is for her until one day she screams out loud for him to leave her alone. He leaves her...she kills herself to be with him.
I need to be here, as much as I wish to be with you I know you need to live in your heaven and I need to live here with your brothers and sister and do what the universe has asked of me, to be a mother. So I tell myself that those moments when I can't breath are you are simply passing through trying to tell me you are still here and even though it hurts, it only hurts because I miss you so fucking much. I will never ask you to leave me alone.
Today it happened. I opened the blog and a photo I have not seen in a long time popped up and I got dizzy, my chest tightened, the most pitiful sound escaped and I was done for. Now I am pulled together and I am writing because it feels better than crying. Thank you sweet girl. I see you, I feel you, and I miss you. I have not forgotten, I will never forget.
The sky turns pink, the seasons change, everyday more grey hair and wrinkles. Your clothes are still in the closet and they are soft and still have the imprint of you on them, I touch them and smell them and I can imagine you right there in that room like it was yesterday.
Please God be real. Please Stevie be there waiting for me when its my time, promise me you will be there. Please be happy sweet girl in your heaven where white ponies wander around in fields of poppies, where there is a concert every night under stars...you don't have to wear shoes, your clothes are soft, your hair long, hip glasses just because, and long days at the beach with friends with huge umbrellas and picnic baskets, laughter and soft waves, singing dolphins in the distance.
I see you falling asleep in Heavens library surrounded by every story ever written...
I love you, I love you, I love you....deep breath.