Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Because I can...

It is summer.

I woke up this morning to birds singing in my yard, flowers still blooming and the sun shining through the apricot tree, an old tree that was here before we bought the house.  This tree has been through some tough times but as long as it still shows me leaves in the spring it stays right were it is.

I am in a good place, it feels good to say that, my kids are healthy and happy, Stevie is somewhere and I have to believe she is here too, and whole, not confined to a body so she gets to experience even more joy than I can imagine.  Elliott is busy swimming, dreaming, growing and I am waiting to meet him.

Today I am filled with hope and silly tasks;  I have towels to hang on the clothesline, a basket to buy, hopefully in a pretty aqua color if I can find it, for Elliott's changing table.  I have to make Noah's lunch for camp, and go to work where I will dust shelves, and glitter cards, maybe pay some bills.

I feel this little boy wiggle around inside me and I remember carrying my children, and how magical this time is, this secret time when it is just the two of you, and you are as connected as you can ever be to another human being.  I cherish this.

For five years Stevie's room has stayed the same, this month I packed the few things she left up into clear plastic containers and put them in her closet where I keep her shoes and clothes, I need to make room for this baby but I still need the parts of have of her to be close.

I will bring this baby home to her room, the room full of trees the room that still smells like her.  I will cuddle this baby in her big bed and I will imagine her close by, watchful and protective like she was with Noah.

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, if I would get this far, but here I am half way through this pregnancy and like with Claire I understand that we are made up of layers.   There are parts of me that ache for Stevie so much it is hard to breath but there are also parts of me that love and find happiness.

I knew that a baby would help me heal.  I would heal anyway but this is good for me, it is the way I need to do it.

I believe Elliot has chosen me, and that he was always meant to be with us I just had to wait, I had mountains to climb, oceans to swim, tears to release.  It has been a long journey but worth every moment.

I went to Italy last month, I got to see David and I cried, for me David is love, I can see how much love went into creating him, perfect love, a dream.  I walked the old streets of Rome, ate at a cafe right outside the Duomo, woke up to church bells.  My life is good.  It has not been an easy life, and there have been moments when I wanted to lay it down and be done but here I am, this is when it is most beautiful when the storm has passed and you can see the sun shining through the tree in your yard, the tree your kids have climbed, the tree that has given your fruit even after years of looking like it might die.

The birds are singing because they can, because they must.  I am living and learning to be happy again because I can, because I must.