Monday, December 5, 2011

Rambeling and remembering...

I started this blog after my daughter left her body. I wanted to be able to express my grief, honor it, and be able to hopefully look back and find growth and healing. I wanted another mom who had lost a daughter to find this blog and say "I am not alone, it doesn't fix it but at least I am not alone." I needed this to be a place I could say anything I needed and not worry that I was being a drag or bumming someone out. In real life the person who is grieving continues to grieve long after everyone else has moved on with their lives, for us it lasts forever.

I think the blog has done it's job, my words have reached people they needed to and having the freedom to talk about my daughter or whatever else is going on feels right with my soul. This blog has been a letter to myself, it reminds me that there I was and here I am, this is what I did, and I am still standing.

The days that I melt down and don't feel like I can get up are farther apart. I don't wake up every morning and cry anymore. I don't go to the cemetery every Thursday and I stopped going on the 19th of every month, now I go on her death day, her birthday and sometimes just because.

I still talk to her every single day, I write her love letters in the steam on the shower door. I keep her things, the few things she left behind in her closet but I don't visit them like I use to now they are here because it hold her place, they are symbolic, nothing can take her place, nothing will erase where she has been in our lives.

There are still times when I can't catch my breath because the pain is too big for me but I know I will move through it,that it's just what I must do, what I must feel, then it fades and things begin to hum and move and happen.

I tried to have another baby, for so many reasons, most that make sense to no one but me or a mother who has lost a child. I have put my heart and my body through so much in the last three years trying to make this happen. Finally it did happen and my much wanted, waited for, fought for little girl was here, growing, kicking, stretching...then she wasn't. Claire died, it was a random mutation that had nothing to do with anything anyone could explain. It could have and does happen to many people and she and I happened to be those people. I once again left the hospital without my child.

You would think that all this loss has broken me and I would give up but I can't and I won't.

I am not made out of give up stuff, if I was I would not still be here. My whole life has been about challenges and I am a girl who isn't afraid for long of them. I am a kicker and screamer, I am not told "no" easily and it would be a mistake to underestimate my strength.

There is something in me (in all of us) that knows what is right for us. It is a feeling that is deep inside you and hard to shake but it has a gentle voice. This "something" says "this is for you, but it's your choice, do the right thing" As most of us know the right thing for us isn't always the right thing for everyone else. As a mother I put my children first, my family first. If I have a little of something it is all theirs. If they all want to swim at the deep end I paddle out, even though I am afraid. If they all need me home when I want to be somewhere else, home is where I am because I would rather be with them than without them even if I am missing something else.

I don't think I am unusual when I say "I have lived my life for other people" I don't mean it to sound dramatic or like I am a martyr, I am not, I chose this, it is what I love and when my family is happy I am happy. Over the years I use to think "someday it will be my turn" and when I wondered how I would feel if that day never came, I didn't care. I wanted to be a mom, since I was seven, I wanted to be lots of other things too but a mom most.

I still do. Someone asked me once, and trust me she said it in a loving way, "after all this why would you still want to be a mom"? She said it would destroy her to lose a child let alone two and she would be terrified and scarred. I told her this, " when you fell in love for the first time it blew your mind, turned you upside down, then it ended and for a while you didn't think you could endure that kind of love and loss again. One day you woke up, you got a tea at Peete's and there he was this man who makes your heart pound and you have everything in common and you knew you would love him forever and it's magic for a little while then it isn't and you are back in the trenches, hating men, going back to the gym sure you will be the kind of woman who never needs a man. Two years later you are in a wedding dress, and all that happened before (in hindsight ) makes perfect sense, you had to endure what you did to get where you are. Some part of you held on to hope and the belief that someday that kind of love would be yours to keep."

For me it's the same. I love being a mom, I still want to be a mom, a baby won't take away the pain, it won't bring back the children I have lost but hope still lives in me and the belief that someday that kind of love will be mine to keep.

Maybe some people think I am too old or my relationship with my husband is too strained or maybe I have had my chance and I should give it up. That is OK, they don't have to live my life, they do not know my heart and I wouldn't want them to. Most people who really know me and love me understand, it may not be what they would choose for themselves because they are not wearing my shoes but they know it is what I need and want most and what I am made out of.

This is the first time in my life I am doing something that is right for me, because I believe it will bring me peace, healing and happiness. It may not be the right thing for my husband or for my oldest daughter (who thinks I am as old as dirt, and a little crazy). It might not be the easiest thing to do and it might be a lot more heartache and hard work but I am sure this is right for me.

It may not happen for me but I will go down with this ship, I won't put my hands up and surrender, there will be no white flag above my door...

I have this feeling, and I can't explain it that even though things look grim and impossible right now that they are about to change. I don't know how but I feel it, it's strong. I have felt this before and I trust it. My baby (child) will find me, I will leave it up to the universe to decide how that will happen. [don't worry I haven't lost my mind and I am not going to go out stealing babies or purchasing them at the local Walmart from crack heads] All I can do is open my heart up to this, trust and wait. I am breathing deep and standing still, hard to do when you are a stubborn hot-head like me.

I won't make resolutions for next year, instead I am waiting for a miracle.

I have two beautiful daughters in heaven and I think they are looking out for me.

I will continue to chronicle this journey no matter where it takes me, I know I will end up exactly where I am meant to be.