Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I had a dream that we lived in a small house, even smaller than the one we live in now it was just you, me and Aly...just like before, a long time ago when we lived in the forest and the rain kept falling.
I was getting the shower ready for you and I couldn't get the temperature correct, you kept saying it was OK but I knew it wasn't I wanted it to be perfect. It was just a little dream, faded too quickly, but it felt important, any glimpse I get of you warms my heart.
Well my love it seems one of those little embryos may have decided to snuggle in. It has been two years of tears and trying, wondering if I am crazy for not letting go of this, I just had to try, and try again. The funny thing is that this was my last try, I had run out of options and baby money. I accepted that I needed to move on if the universe said no, but it didn't, it just wanted me to travel a little more before I reached my destination.
Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks pregnant, still very early for jumping up and down and celebrating, when you are my age you have to be cautiously optimistic. I heard her heart beating, I felt you close by... it was like magic, and fairies, and I cried.
I need this beginning, I wish you were here to hold my hand, pick out names and shop for cradles and and soft baby clothes.
A part of me that felt broken is starting to heal, I knew it would. I still miss you, I am still sad, and no one can ever take your place but my heart has a place to land, it is a soft place, it feels like hope and birthday cake... only you would understand.
Maybe there is a God...and maybe God is letting you share a little bit of heaven with me so I won't feel so alone here without you.
Maybe you are coming home...