Friday, November 19, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Falling into place...

It is Sunday, the sun is out but the air is cool and crisp and tastes like winter is coming. It is a good day.

I got an email from a woman who is willing to give us embryos. We spoke with her some time ago but they chose another family who also lost a daughter, That family is now pregnant (and I wish them happy healthy babies)...and there are still embryos remaining. If we want them they are willing to gift them to us.

I have been holding my breath since I read the email.

I told Steve and after a long talk that lasted most of the night and some of the morning we decided we would go for it. He is worried about his age, worried about money, worried about everything there is to worry about. He knows this is what I really want and that I am very sure. He loves me and wants me to have this chance. He will continue to worry but I think it is what we do as parents. We worry so much because we want so much for our children. We know that in a blink of an eye everything can change, we need to be their hero, protector, teacher, friend.

Steve was 41 when Noah was born and his father was 43 when his younger brother was born. I think it will be fine. We have enough of everything...when we had the girls we had nothing and we did just fine. I know this will be good for our family, it will help us heal, love is a powerful thing. I know, know, know this will be good for me, for so many reasons.

We are older now than we were when the girls were born but we also own a home and business, we are smarter, stronger, wiser, we have worked out all the bugs, we understand kids, know what to expect and don't sweat the small stuff anymore.

We have also been married for twenty five years and there are days I would like to run away from home but bake instead. We are both active, work hard, we are healthy and my genetics promise me a 100 years if I look both ways before I cross the street.

These embryos are not a sure thing, they have hurdles to jump and so do I. They have to survive the thawing process, my body has to be prepared. They have to implant and my body has to embrace them. They have to continue to grow and my body has to nourish them.

My prayer is that it all turns out like it should.

I asked for one good thing and good is raining all over me today.

I thank these donors with all my heart. I am not sure if they know how much this gift means to me and how they are changing lives and building families. I asked the universe for a chance, and with thier help I am getting it.

So cross your fingers and toes for us, send up a prayer if you are so inclined, good thoughts are welcome too.

Now I am going to get my little guy outside we have a new RC helocopter to fly.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


I opened my email tonight, from T a short note "I just read on PBT that Emily passed away".

My heart sank.

When Stevie was diagnosed a joined a support group for parents that were caring for children who had brain tumors. It isn't a club anyone wants to belong to and when I first joined I could not believe I was a member really. I would sit there and cry feeling so sad for these families and all they and their children were forced to endure.

One night I reached out, it isn't easy for me to do that, I like to feel strong and in control even when I know I'm not. I would rather hug someone than to be hugged.

I remember going to the movies back then and there was a St.Judes spot they ran before the film. I cried, my sister felt terrible for me, I turned to her and said "I just don't know how these people do it" She reminded me that I was doing it and it hit me, "Oh my God we are one of those families, my kid has cancer, I am a cancer mom, this may not go well"

I made many friends on that list, what usually happens though is that when a child transitions to the next world that parent also transitions to the next part of their life and we lose track of them when they do. Then just as fast another parent posts, terrified, a million questions, needing someone to hold them up because they can't sleep or eat or figure out what to do next.

We were all falling apart but we somehow managed to hold each other together, I don't know how, love is a powerful thing.

I soon became a moderator and met two amazing people who remain in my heart to this day. They still keep this list running, making sure there is always someone to greet a new parent, they offer advice, resources and will call you at the hospital at two in the morning if they think you are melting down and Melt down I did.

When it was Stevie's turn to transition I left the list.

Teresa and Julie would not let me go. They kept me, held on to me and saved me. They were like a tag team without even knowing it. These two women who didn't even know my first name just an ID on a computer screen reached out and made sure that I knew I was loved and I was not alone.

Tulips arrived over and over I still have no idea how they found them. T made a book out of my posts, wrote me every morning and became my guardian angel. Julie wrote me posts, called me and kept me in a place that felt as normal as possible, kept me human. She made me laugh, she shared her life with me, she supported me with cards and flowers and little gifts that touched my heart.

It has been three years.

Julies daughter Emily has left for pink skies.

I want to wrap her in my friendship, give her back what she has given me. Tonight I will light a candle and say a prayer that Emily is being welcomed home by all the people who love her and have been waiting so long for her return. I will say a prayer for Julie and her breaking heart.

Julie my sweet friend I love you so, I am here...this is a new club, like the one before no one wants to belong to it, but once again we are bonded, strengthened and healed by the very thing that has broken us.

You are not alone, you are loved and your sweet girl has broken free from that cocoon and can finally spread her wings...her task here complete. They are everywhere my friend, everywhere.