I am home with the flu, a gift from my sweet boy and his bunk mates at camp. He is recovered and doing well and is being a love and getting me ice water, giving me head rubs, and teaching me camp songs.

This is a strange summer...I can't put my finger on it, maybe it is the unusual weather, a quiet house, or business that requires my attention. It just doesn't feel like a real summer yet.

I have been in a bummed out crappy mood. I feel restless, sad, a little frustrated, and disconnected. Because this is a blog about grieving and surviving I think it is OK to talk about the long term fall out. For me there was the acute period of absolute pain. There were whole days when I didn't even want to breath, everything hurt, those days quickly turned into days that were doing, doing, doing. If I kept myself busy I didn't have time to think, remember, or fall apart. I felt like I was healing but I would crash and burn, then get busy again.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and now it has been two years. For most people that seems plenty of time to move on and leave behind the crying days. I think what people don't understand is that there is no moving on. The moment I kissed my daughter for the last time, before they zipped up that ugly bag and took her body away was the last moment I was me.

I didn't die or disappear, my body looks the same, my life looks similar but everything has changed. This life I live is a broken version of the life I had before. I wobble around in it. Noah still needs a lunch packed, Aly still wants to argue about how she understands life much better than I do. Steve still wants me to be the person he met 25 years ago. The bills need to be paid, groceries purchased, a house cleaned, dentists to see, mammograms, school supplies to buy...

Everything still moves and turns but without the person I love most. I am learning to live this way, it isn't a choice really but I have not learned to live this way with joy, hope, and happiness.

I know several women who have lost children. One woman I know went to all the right therapists, did all the right things, and has chosen to celebrate her daughters life rather than focus on her death. She finds comfort in talking to her, talking about her and wrapping herself in her husbands love, and the love of her children and grandchildren. She is an inspiration.

Most women who lose a child, who are of child bearing age become pregnant within a year. It is easy to understand why, and I know if this option where available to me it would have helped me in a big way. I am very angry that it is not. I know that the act of bringing a life into the world would restore hope and belief.

There are women who can not bear this loss and I understand that. There is no one on this planet that will argue that the loss of a child is the most painful thing a woman will ever have to endure. I know women who have taken there lives and women who still have bodies that live but they don't live in them. This scares me.

Many women put their energy into a cause, they raise money, write books, start foundations. This cause is not unlike giving birth to another child.

There is a spectrum to this like most things I'm not sure it is a very big one but we all fit somewhere on it, I'm not sure where I fit yet, I'm all over the place.

I fear being stuck in a dark place but I know I am not able to celebrate my daughters life. Noah wraps himself around me and he saves me but everything else feels like an enormous rocking sea. I am tired of being busy just to be busy. I desire to find happiness, I would love to have more children.

I know I can live with this pain, missing my girl, and not understanding. I am doing it. I think I can do more than what I am doing. I know I still have a well of strength I have not accessed yet. I have an idea of what I want my new life to look like but I just don't know how to navigate this ocean and make my way to that shore.

I need a soft spot to land, a life that is easy, I need good weather, music, time to heal and a beautiful place to do it. I need to escape this place where the old me use to live. I want a vacation from stress, drama, and work. I want to sit under a big tree with Noah and read stories. I want to eat outside, walk on the beach, float in water, I want to write long letters by candle light, I want to watch the sky turn pink wrapped in a blanket on the top of hill. I want to make art for myself, sing in the kitchen and go barefoot everyday.

I want a real summer that lasts and lasts and lasts.

I am sitting at Whole Foods with the pink cupcake computer I bought a while back. They keyboard is so tiny I feel giant and fumbely. I just ate a huge dinner; curried veggies, tofu with peanut sauce, some garlic potatoes and a fat slice of Lemon cake. The sun shining through the window is keeping nice and toasty even thought they have the A/C turned up to Arctic in here. It is a little surreal blogging in a grocery store but I have an outlet and a connection how could I not.

I am alone, it feels weird. Aly and Steve went to see Hang-over I not so politely declined. I have been labeled "No Fun" by the two of them but I don't feel very offended. I'm sorry I just can't spend two hours of my life watching people get smashed testicles, knocked out teeth and near misses everywhere else. I'm not a fan of stoner movies, parodies, or Three Stooges humor. I also don't like practical jokes or those damn videos where someone always gets hurt. Maybe I am no fun but pie-in-the-face just doesn't do it for me.

I like my humor a little dry or a little dirty, I also like to soar just a tiny bit over my head where I have to reach a little. I also like sweet humor. Last night I went to Walnut Creek to see Away We Go. It was a sweet, funny, smart movie. It wasn't blockbuster material it was a quality film that I am very glad someone made. I wish more films were as thoughtful.

Noah is still at camp and I miss him like crazy. It is quite boring without my little man tagging along, singing his songs, trying everything he can to score desert and cuddling up next to at bedtime.

I know he is having a great time, I can feel it. I can see him at campfires with his new summer buddies, eating big, sunburned cheeks, rowing boats and learning how to use a bow and arrow. I am proud of him, and I am proud of myself for not letting my fear override my knowing. He deserves this magical and caring week.

I am once again at some crossroad. It doesn't have a name it is just a very real feeling that sits just below my heart. My life is about to change my fingers are crossed it is good change. I was telling one of my very dearest friends Teresa that I am ready for something good to happen, something light and feathery to rain down on me and fill me up with hope and a reason to get up before the sun.

I know we all are responsible for making good things happen, we should be attracting what we desire most, inviting the universe to move us into our desired direction. I am just not strong enough to make that happen at the moment. I need the universe to take charge and give me an amazing brilliant magnet to pull me in. I know it's possible, and if it can happen in a heartbreaking way it can also happen in a beautiful life changing way.

There is a woman sitting in front of me, I can't tell her nationality, she has Asian eyes but they are the lightest hazel, her skin is olive and she has a spray of tiny freckles on her cheeks and across her nose. Her hair is black and pulled back in a shiny ponytail. The reason she has my attention is that she is eating a large gelato and reading a book. It isn't the book or the gelato but the expression on her face as she is reading and enjoying her treat. She looks totally blissed out, her bliss is rubbing off on me.

Teresa told me that I need to look for those feathers from heaven all around me and simply be in a moment. If something is pretty it is pretty, if it smells good, it smells good, if I have a fleeting moment of pleasure then be in that fleeting moment.

This woman may be an example of that. She is finding such joy in such simple pleasures, it is almost like she is radiating. If she knew what I was typing all of that would probably change (just a little creepy)quickly as all things observed tend to do.

I love Whole Foods. It makes me sad because this was another one of those Stevie places. She loved this store, and we spent a lot of time and many of Steve's paychecks here. It also makes me feel close to her. It is funny how the two go together, the closeness and the pain. I understand why, and it's worth it.

I am starting to realise I ate way too much, maybe I should go home and go for a walk so I don't have all night cake guilt. A nap is a good cure too but I really need the walk.

I embrace change, I open myself to the greatness of the universe and trust it's plan for me.

Big Hair and the Circle Star

Well it was a big day yesterday for the entertainment industry, two icons gone...

I remember my cousin Ron (and every other teenage boy) had the Farah in the red bathing suit- nipples at attention poster hanging in his room. I remember thinking how beautiful she was and how I wanted more than anything in the world to have two things:

1. Boobs
2. Big Hair

Lucky for me curling irons and a home perm weren't too expensive but the boobs would be harder to come by and a long wait. The boob fairy finally did visit me after the birth of my first child. Because this fairy was late she decided to make up for it by giving my great-grandmothers heavy breasts. It is feast or famine with me always.

Charlies Angels...sigh. You had to love that cheesy show, the original crew made me want a jump suit, made me want to learn karate, made me want to wear lipstick. Alas I was trapped in a skinny boys body but I loved those angels.

Although I am not a People magazine reader and I don't follow what goes on in the magic world of all things shiny I did respect Farrah making the documentary of her cancer journey. I have not seen it but I think it can only raise awareness when someone who was the standard of beauty in her prime allows the public to see what cancer takes away. It isn't like the movies, it is painful, scary, and ugly.

Thank you Farrah for raising cancer awareness.

Michael. It was a shock to hear that he had passed, I knew it would happen some day I just could never imagine Michael Jackson at 70. It was hard to believe he was 50. My instincts tell me his demise was drug related but it doesn't really matter how he left, it was just his time. His heart breaking seems like a tragic and fitting ending.

I was a fan, then a confused and conflicted fan when he was dealing with the molestation accusations. The plastic surgery never bothered me it is just what people do. His choices were just out there where people could examine it and act shocked and amazed. C'mon what celebrity hasn't been nipped-tucked and had things plumped up or moved around. It's mainstream now, I know more people who have had work done than people who have not.

The monkey, the out-there clothing, Lisa Presley, Neverland, seriously how could that shock anyone. Hollywood is the land of make-believe and he gave people something to talk about, to wonder about and keep them interested, pure marketing genius.

Surrogate mothers...he wanted children for what ever reason, most of us do. I don't care about his sexuality, in these times it seems silly that anyone is really all that shocked or concerned.

The molestation charges. This bothers me. I have no tolerance for pedophiles. I also don't believe children lie about these things. I have my doubts where money is concerned. The first little boys family took 23 million dollars and chose not to prosecute, there is something a little selfish and greedy about that. As a mother I would first want to rip the genitals off the person who did this to my child then I would want them to spend the rest of their days behind bars where they could hurt no other child, money would be the last thing on my mind.

The second little boy...not sure how I feel about that. I wasn't at the trial, I do not know what the jurors heard or why they chose a not-guilty verdict.

I think, and hope that this man will be remembered for the good things he did, and he did do things that changed lives for the better. He did give, he did make a difference. I think all people should be remembered for what they gave.

When I was a kid I went to see The Jackson Five at the Circle Star theater in Oakland. we were way up front and it was spectacular. These boys sang their hearts out. Micheal had a fro back then and all the brothers wore bell bottoms, I thought that was boss. I was a runny nosed little tom-boy but I danced my little chicken legs off.

While I was driving home I spoke to Stevie, I told her, "Hey Michael Jackson is in heaven now, how cool is that" She had a little collection of DVDs that she use to watch. To her it was all "Old School" and she loved the music and videos. Stevie didn't judge people. She like them or didn't like them, there was never an explanation or an apology, she never wavered or changed her mind. She could just feel to the heart of a person. She didn't have time to waste.

I wonder if that is how we should all live. I could have saved hundreds of hours of my life if I didn't try to help people who didn't really want help, change people who were happy in their misery, trying to build friendships with people I didn't really like because I thought it was the right thing to do. My instincts were always right but always a hindsight observation.

I am not saying people should be hateful or avoid helping another person,it isn't about the worth of a person. What I am saying is that we all have a moral compass, good instincts, and if we listen to that without judgement we could live a little more effectively.

I get lost in this. I always tell myself that that gut feeling isn't a tool for me to move in another direction but a challenge, a hurdle that will help me build a better me if I do the right thing, maybe I am wrong.

The universe gives us a road map for our lives, Point A to Point B. It offers us guidance and direction. We have the freedom to take our own route and we can make it as long or as difficult as we like. Only two things are for sure; there is a point B and there are no shortcuts.

I think I am going to stick to my map now, listen to that inner guidance, love when my heart tells me to, run when my heart tells me to. My girl had this all figured out by the time she was five, I am a slow learner.

For some reason humans need idols, and icons serve a purpose but they to die and fade away, making room for other icons.

We can chose who we love, I think we should learn to see lovable greatness in ourselves and not hang all our hopes and dreams on someone else who seems bigger and better.

This is the only life we have and know right now, we have to be kings and queens of our own beauty and promise.

elsewhere

I just finished reading Elsewhere I found the book at Target, I was looking for some summer reading for Noah. I am sure this is his "reading" summer. The girls both had a magic summer just like I did when they discovered how to fall into a book and not come up for air until dinner time.

I passed the book up once then went back to it like a magnet. Noah started reading it and loved it so I started reading it and I fell in love with it. It is about a girl who dies and what happens after.

There were too many moments in the story that made the book feel personal. I know authors write what they do for what ever reason and it has nothing to do with anyone else but themselves, it is their art and it is personal only to them. Issabelle Allende and Jodi Piccult have both said that a story finds them, they listen and write it all down. I can almost believe that someone whispered this story into Ms.Gabrielle's ear so that one summer I would find it on a shelf when I needed it most and it would help heal my heart a little.

I had a dream a while ago that the date 7-12 was important. I think it might be still. Next month The Time Travelers Daughter will be released at theaters. This was one of Stevie's favorite books. The movie was set to be released earlier (much earlier) but they had to make a ton of post production changes, I heard through the grapevine that the ending had to be changed.

So next month I will be able to see this book come to life...I am taking Stevie with me. I will leave an open seat next to me for her. I will bring one of her sweaters and put it on the seat so everyone will know it is taken.

It's fathers day. We are going to take the boat out to the delta, it should be about 85 degrees with a little more wind than I like but it could be a nice day.

There is so much more I want to write but I will have to save it for another day, Steve and Noah are getting itchy to leave.

wrapping night around me

I've been writing in my journal more and more. I forgot how good it feels to create letters with a pen on paper. I make lists. I am a list maker. Writing it all down in neat little rows makes me feel like I am making progress towards being more organized, I am not sure it works that way.

Today's list:

Finish the laundry (I didn't)
Get Noah of to school and remember to pick him up at 12:30 (I did)
Finish the little paper birds for the shop (almost done)
Go for a nice long walk after dinner (I did the dinner part)
Register Noah for drama camp (I forgot)
Make Polenta for dinner (I did but no one ate it)
Get my Rx refilled (done)
answer emails (read them, did not answer them)

Am I the only one who does this?

I have been doing a lot of research, it is easy to lose hours doing reading. I am obsessed with reincarnation. So many people on this planet embrace the idea but here in the West we are still scratching our heads.

As with most ideas that are a outside our little box of comfort we first question how it will effect mainstream Christianity. I listened to two parents with a child who has offered a great deal of strong evidence that he was a reincarnated air force Pilot shot down in WW2. I loved what they said, "This has not changed our faith it has strengthened it" It would be so much easier if most people wondered more about how integrating a new idea would enrich their belief system instead of fearing discovery.

I have my obvious reason for being curious but the more I learn the more interesting it becomes. In India almost every child talks about the life they had before they were born and parents listen, they are interested, they do not question it. In most cases the memory fades by age seven as the child learns to love his current family and rediscovers childhood.

The late Dr.Ian Stevenson studied thousands of these children. He evaluated the cases after much investigation. The stories that unfolded were mysterious and beautiful. He reunited children with past families, the children recognizing siblings, knowing where toys were kept and remembering how they died.

I wonder why it is such a difficult thing for us here to believe. We rationalize, tell ourselves it is something people created to ease the pain of loss and calm the fear of death. Don't we do that anyway with Heaven?

If we observe nature a tree grows from a seed, it gives fruit that is eaten, the seeds are carried off and grow into more trees. The leaves on the trees fall in Autumn and the tree sleeps for the season. The fallen leaves turn into mulch that protects and feeds the trees and in spring new leaves and fruit appear, year after year.

Energy can not be destroyed. Tree's do not disappear in nature. Tree energy remains tree energy and human energy must remain human energy. When we die we simply sleep through a season and wake when it is warm again. It is a thought I kinda like.

Tonight I am fighting the urge to bake a cake. I need sugar, everyone has a vice and sugar is mine. A homemade lemon raspberry cake is calling to me like a siren...

Stevie was my partner in crime, we are desert queens. If she was here I would make it and not even think twice, or she would, either way I would get stuck with the dishes.

I might just swim instead, the sun has gone down and the sky is that deep bruisy lavender before dark. It is kinda sad but I like it. I like watching night happen, stars appearing one by one. Night is magic, it is another world. I use to be so afraid of the dark, now it is a comfort. The sky feels like a big sparkling blanket. I remember reading once about stars being tiny windows people made in heaven to keep an eye on us. Heaven must be well lit and there must be a whole lot of heavenly people keeping an eye on us here.

Graduations and Pity Parties...

Ashley and Stevie were born two weeks apart. Ashley's mother Sandy and I were close at the time. She was married to my cousin Ron and as children he and I were close. My family was big back then and all the cousins spent a great deal of time together. Ron and I were close in age and I got all his hand-me-downs.

When Ashley was born I was at the hospital, and Stevie was with me, all snuggled up in a baby sling. Stevie was a great big baby with huge cheeks and Ashley was a lean baby with big eyes. The two of them spent a lot of time together in pools, back yards and at parks. They climbed trees, played dress up, and got drunk once at a family party on fuzzy navels.

We took our first trip to Disneyland with Sandy, Ron Ashley and her little sister Megan when the girls were still little. I cried on the Peter Pan ride and the girls got sugared up and crowned with Mickey ears. I still have a photo of Ashley kissing Stevie on a ride that day.

Ashley called today to thank me for a quilt I gave her for graduation. She graduates from college this year and I am very proud of her. She is going to be a teacher. I knew she would be from the time she was little. Ashley was playful, responsible and patient. She was guided gently and has always been the first one to snatch up a baby or sit on the floor with a little kid to play. She is a hard working girl who loves her family with her whole heart. She loved Stevie very much and she was at the hospital the day Stevie died.

Ashley is good to me and it hurts. She is doing all the things Stevie would be doing, getting all the milestones, and she deserves all the happiness it brings but it reminds me of all the things Stevie will never be able to do.

I am an asshole because I should be grateful to have Ashley in my life, grateful that she is so loving and caring. I am grateful but I also let my loss get in the way of expressing that and being closer.

When Stevie was sick she pulled away from everyone and the last Easter we had together she cried because she wanted everyone to leave. It was hard for her to let go but that was what she was doing, it hurt her so much to be in a bed sick, without hair, unable to walk. It was hard for her to know that she would never have anymore holidays with the people she loved most.

I am not sure everyone understood that and they broke into her room any way and loved her up. She was pissed. I think it was mostly because she knew she had to leave...

Today I am falling apart because I am remembering all of this clearly, it is playing in my mind like a movie...I can smell the Easter Bunnies, feel the warm day, and I remember the way Stevie sobbed as my sister held her.

I promise on most days I am normal but on the days I feel heavy and broken I come here and have a little pity party so I can sort out all these feelings, cry and make room for deep breaths and new moments.

My girl graduated early and she moved away to start her new life. It is far away and she can not be reached by telephone or mail. I just have to trust that her new life holds great promise(s), unending love, adventure, bliss and a place for me when I graduate.

Hey baby girl,

It was a warm May day, the sun is setting, I missed all the colors but the sky is still beautiful. Noah and I watched "That Thing You Do" and I kept thinking of Briana when Liv Tyler had a little camera time. I never met Briana but I feel like I know her a little. Iva must feel the same way about you.

I keep smelling you in your room late at night, just for a moment then it fades.

I moved stuff around in the store, doing that thing I do and play a constant game of Tetris with my space until everything fits just right. If you can't arrange your life, arrange furniture. It looks good. Lana came in today to help me roll up ribbon, she even got her husband to come out and do some heavy lifting if it needed doing. I don't know how to recieve kindness, it makes me feel akward and emotional, another something to work on.

I am moving the studio back into the garage and having new carpet put in the sunroom. I feel like I am taking up too much space in a small house. I don't work at home much so moving back into the garage makes more sense.

(The new carpet will be refreshing, remember when someone spilled spaghetti sauce out here and we could never quite get it all up. In the summer when the room heats up it smells like underarms and oregano. It will be nice to have that gone but hard to give up another thing that you touched, that was a part of your life here.)

I am let my hair grow long, and letting it be as curly as it wants to be. Silly. I am too old to pull this off but I want to grow it one last time and finally have long hair. You will have to keep me from going out and cutting it like I always do when I get tired of being a slave to it.

Tonight I made ravioli and arabiata sauce and a big salad you would have loved. I made a lemon dressing that was really good. I was remembering you in the kitchen making ravioli from scratch (you savage) ever the purist, always the finest ingredients. I ate way too much bread, so much for the diet. I also ate a million ginger cookies at work, what is it about ginger snaps that tastes healthy? little tricky cookies!

I am going to go out and soak under the stars after I write this. Orion has moved out into another part of the sky and I feel like I 'm lost, I'll need to find another reference point, maybe the little dipper will be my guide for a while. The moon is almost full, I can see her face. I pretend that you can see her too and it is one thing we can both be a part of in the same moment. What was that old song...

"Even though I know how very far apart we are it helps to know we both are wishing on the same bright star and when the night wind starts to sing her lonesome lulliby it helps to think were sleeping underneath the same bright sky"

Aly is leaving soon to the South to visit with Hunter. She is pretty excited. Keep her safe.

I am reading one of your books, I had to take a break because there was a part that turned me upside down. I am going to read a little bit more of it tonight, it is a good story and you have always had excellent taste in authors, among other things.

Remember when we met Jodi Piccult in San Fransisco, we were standing behind her and she was ordering Starbucks just like a regular person. The book she spoke about, the one she was writing at the time is the one I am reading now. I am not crazy about all the prison stuff but I can understand her fascination with this world inside a world. In the book a young girl needs a heart and a man on death row wants her to have his.

I have always said that there were a million people who could have died, why you? There were child molesters, rapists, and serial killers all sitting in prisons... I would have removed a heart from anyone of them with my bare hands if it meant saving your life...

God just sees people as people, souls as souls no one more or less valuable than the other. I guess it is how I should see it, and I do but I miss you and need you here with me so I can have someone to tell all my secrets to, to talk to late at night, to watch grow, to be proud of, to learn from and to feel connected to.

You were my person...

Now I am getting all sappy so I better stop righting and get into that water and under those stars.

Let's go look at the moon sweetness,

Mom