Stevie,

I am late with this post, to make up for it I have been busy posting things here on the blog today.  I wrote a poem, not a very good one but my heart was all in.  I found a draft I wrote maybe a month ago and decided not to be afraid and pushed the "publish" button before I changed my mind.

The boys and I went to the cemetery on the 19th.  I brought yellow tulips and red Iceland poppies.  Dad went earlier in the day and brought fruit.  Elliott picked out a little cactus in a white ceramic cup, it made me smile, he never met you but he feels like he knows you and the cactus was perfect.

It was a pretty day, the grass was green the view of Mt.Diablo was breathtaking.  There is a big hill in the distance that you can see just beyond the big oak tree, it has a little house tucked away in it, it looks like heaven, I told myself, one day I want to live there.  I would buy a telescope, one of those big brass ones you might find in a light house.  Everyday I would make sure your body was safe, I would watch the deer graze around you, know when it was time to swap out faded flowers...

It's spring again and the one pink tulip that keeps arriving every spring since you died showed up with four siblings; You, Aly, Noah, Claire, Elliott.   I find meaning in odd things.  I built a brick pizza oven all by myself, if you were here I think you would love it, actually would have been your idea before mine.  The gardens are doing their thing, I'm not planting too much this year just keeping it simple, tomatoes, basil, all the herbs, tomatillo, a couple peppers. 

I miss you most in the spring.

I am making art again, pulled out the clay and dusted off the kiln, I have a lot of projects that distract me and a lot of distractions that keep me from projects.  It's just busy, school is almost out, your brother is graduating and Elliott will start Kindergarten in the fall...how did this happen?

If you walked in the door right now we would lay on the grass under this warm sun, I would make you all your favorite things to eat, we would take off our shoes and never put them back on, we would drain the bank account and go to Spain and Italy and France, and Thailand (because you would want to).  We would just bring a backpack and a jacket.  We would live on fruit and art, pizza, pasta, chocolate crepes, books, sleep on beaches and in parks and in hotels made out of stone and wood. 

Noah could sing for money, I would wash our clothes in hotel sinks and dry them on balconies.  We would stay up late look at the stars, laugh, cry, and sleep when we just couldn't keep our eyes open anymore.

I wish you could tell me what heaven is like...

We miss you so much sweet girl, so very much.

This is going to be a magical year, I know it.  Stay close.

I love you

mama