Sunday, September 23, 2018

It's September...

Hey sweet girl, its a sunny and warm Sunday afternoon.  Your dad is putting up sheetrock for a wall, Noah is relaxing on the trampoline, trying to get a little sun.  You little brother is playing with his dog Theo and your sister is on her way over to pick up her bike.

We went to the Sonoma coast for Elliotts birthday.  He asked for the forest and the beach and I found Gerstle campground at Salt Point.  It was breath taking, you would have loved all of it and few times I felt you there in the morning mist, looking out over the cliffs, walking the trails through the trees.

We all got along ok.  Dad and I will never really get along, I understand that, just wish I could be the bigger person.  We did our best for Elliott and he seemed pretty happy to do legos at the pic-nic table, hike, be filthy, sleep under the stars, pee outside.  He is a lonely kid, I feel bad, he has older siblings, old parents, and no one his age around here to play with. 

He is getting so big, so beautiful, and so smart. 

Aly is starting work in Oakland soon, she is excited, it will be a longer commute but she likes the idea of this new art department.  Your brother is writing music and blowing my mind.  I am making babies again.  I didn't think I would after I got back from LA with Noah but I told myself, "Just finish up with what you have and move on to the next thing when you are done".  Here I am a couple months later and I have invested in even more supplies and I am marketing to the film industry.  I have had a couple babies in movies and it feels pretty cool.   It isn't what I thought I would be doing with my life but it makes sense in some weird way and it isn't all I plan to do, but I love it, I am good at it and the money is good so I will continue and wee where it goes.

I am suppose to drive out to the cemetery today to bring you fruit and new flowers.  I picked fall dusty corals...peony, hydrangea, ivory pussy willow and some greens, its a really pretty combination.  I have no idea if you would like it or not.  I can't even imagine what you would be like now, would you be stressed out about being in your "thirties" would you be off on adventures, would you be a homebody and sitting on the sofa knitting and watching something cool on TV...

I went to the store to buy the flowers, I go there often for emergency art supplies and it never bothers me really, I just go in, get what I need and leave but today I had a flashback to the day I went there to get ribbon for the book marks I made for your funeral.  They were simple, a little photo of you and the words "Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in" lyrics from a Postal Service song you loved.  I remember feeling so sick and sad and hating that day, hating that you were not with me, that I would never see you again, that you had died and I couldn't do anything but buy ribbon.  I broke down at the cash register, the woman didn't know what to say or do so she didn't say or do anything.

I sat in the car and sobbed...fast forward to today and it all came back, it was like a tidal wave.  I was not warned, I had no idea, one minute I was looking for the right shade of coral ribbon, the next I was sitting on the floor tears streaming down my cheeks trying to remind myself to breath and telling myself to get the hell out of the there.  I held it together, got in the car and just ugly cried until I couldn't anymore. 

I needed it, I needed to feel it, feel you, remember but damn it hurt.  Thank God(ess) my mind knows how to activate "survival mode" because if I felt that intensity of pain everyday I would die. 

I just miss you, I miss all of it, even the awful stuff.  I know that sounds bad but I do.  I would give anything to have one more day...  What if heaven could send you home for 24 hours, healthy, whole, and you.  We would all know we only had 24 hours.  We would take you were ever you wanted to go, do what ever you asked to do and I would ask you so many questions, keep them short so your answers could be long an detailed.    I would smell your hair, kiss your lips and cheeks, hold your soft hands, rub your feet, listen to your music with you. 

That all I need.  I want a million more of those days but if I could just have one it would change everything.  We all need that with you, to know you are ok, to let you know how loved your are.

What I get instead is the quiet, in that I try to feel your energy, will all my love out into everything and hope it finds you and rains down on like your like soft petals and warm kisses.

I wish I was baking you a cake, I wish I was wrapping some jokey present, I wish, I wish, I wish...

All I can do is love you like this, miss you on your birthday, and try to live my best life and hold onto hope that one day I will close my eyes only to open them and find myself where you are and it will all make perfect sense.

Happy birthday my love, we love you so very much.

Stay close my little bunny,
mama



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