Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I am feeling blue.
The sky outside is heavy and gray, the rain comes and goes and it is biting cold.
I am sitting in my studio, I moved it out into the sun room so that I could have more light and could be in the house, here for Noah. I am trying to appreciate the space, it really is so much more space than I've had in a long time. It just feels empty, I feel empty.
I have been living in warm water, trying to cheer myself up with bubbles, magazines and chocolate. Once the tub drains and I am laying in bed smelling like sugar, cherries and 70% cocoa the blue slips in again.
Heath Ledger died yesterday. I think that might be what triggered this. It was a shock to see the news come up on my computer. Stevie didn't have a crush on him but she loved the movie Ten Things I Hate About You. Aly watched it with her about a hundred times because Aly thought Ledger was babe. Stevie's taste runs a little strange she has always had a crush on Jason Schwartsman and wore the Rushmore DVD down to a nub. So Ledger was one of those household names for us better known as Aly's boyfriend.
The news was strange. It felt like another hit. I didn't know the boy personally, I wasn't a fan. I have been known to say that I only watched Brokeback Mountain to see Jake's naked bottom...I thought Ledger was a little stinky looking. OK, OK, I cried my head off at the end of the movie but it was a sad movie.
My point is and sorry for digressing so much...here is this young kid, prime of his life, new baby, great career, and from what is coming out in the media a really down to earth nice guy and in a blink of an eye gone. Life is like that, it can be here and you just assume it will always be here then nothing.
He was my daughters generation...if she were still alive she would have cried. She would have felt bad for his daughter and his parents. She and Aly would stay up late talking about him and probably pull out DVD's and have movie all-nighter.
I know what his family is feeling. They can't believe it. They have to pick out a casket, flowers, work out a service, the phone is ringing, relatives and friends are showing up. They are looking for pictures and a shirt that still smells like him. His mom is remembering when he was a baby, when he lost his first tooth, the day he got his first acting job. His dad is worrying about the last argument they had and wishes he would have told him how proud he was of him more. They now have a big hole in their lives where there once was this very real person.
It happens, everywhere, all the time. I wish it didn't. I wish I could find a cure for cancer then invent a magic potion that keeps children from dying before their parents do.
There is a photo of Noah on my desk in front of me. He is only ten hours old. We are both sleeping and look so much alike, a mama monkey with her little monkey baby. I am tired but content. He is blissed out warm and cuddled up cheek on my heart. This is one of the happiest day's in a mothers life, there is nothing like this feeling but it is also the most frightening because up until this moment you never realized you could not live without that child.
God forbid you should have to try.
If you have a child take this day, this moment to send a prayer of protection out to the universe, I will join you. Then find them, pull them away from the television, the video game, call them on their cell phone. Squeeze them tight, take a deep breath and fill your lungs with them and whisper into their ear "Oh I love you so"
I will keep working on that potion but first a hot bath.