Sunday, March 2, 2008
I have been dreaming of you again. Last night night it was about your memorial. We had planned a big event and when we arrived at the cemetery they had moved your grave stone. They had moved you from the most beautiful hill top to the side of a storage garage. I was so mad.
You and I were talking about it when I realized that I could not have this memorial if you were still alive, why was I doing it, you were still here. I knew you couldn't stay, wouldn't stay but I didn't know what to do. You didn't seem to care about the cemetery or the people. I couldn't seem to get a grip on the fact that you were still alive.
You were around me, I could see you, but it wasn't sinking in.
It was a creepy dream and I woke up after you looked at me with that angry crying face you use to make when you got really frustrated.
Now that I am sitting here and have some space from the confusing dream emotion I can see something I haven't been able to see and understand and it is simple really.
You are not dead.
I get it.
You know me it takes more that just a tap on the shoulder for me. My brain needs repetition.
I am sitting here taking a deep breath convincing myself that I am not going backwards in this process but forward.
You did not die. You are just someplace where my eyes can not see you, were my arms can not wrap themselves around you. The grave is not real. It doesn't have a purpose if you are not there. You are here and I am so wrapped up in this sorrow that I will not see you even though part of me knows you are here.
I am not going crazy, I am just learning to understand. The other morning when I woke up from a similar dream crying I told you not to stop, to keep trying, to keep talking to me that I will keep learning and trying to understand.
I hope I have it right, no more scary dreams honey, just be with me when you can. I am trying so hard to let myself fall gently, one deep breath then step off into the place I have not known before, the place where you are my soft landing. I am wrapping you around me and the comfort you are trying to offer. Why am I so afraid?
This is a hard time again. Spring is coming and the memories of your last days in your body are so clear and close. I am lonely for you. I am holding onto all the wrong things.
When you were born there was a baby you that I was in love with. Your deep auburn hair, those bright blue eyes, the way you smelled and curled up into me. Then there was the you that whispered and danced on tip-toes. Your fuzzy Blond hair and "Mownin Mama's" One day you grew into a little girl in red shoes and a cherished lunch pail, your hair was cut in a bob and you wanted to wear a dress everyday. Soon you were a serious student and the lunch pail was replaced with a backpack full of heavy books that never intimidated you.
I miss that part of your life...but I miss it in a natural way. Each time you grew and changed you were replaced by a girl I liked even more. The other parts got smaller but the bigger you carried them.
When you got older and became yourself. When you took this battle on and did it without tears and complaint, when you seemed to never be afraid, when you kept taking steps forward even when you couldn't walk, and when you refused to stop becoming...well that was the girl that became my teacher, my best friend, my love.
This is the girl I miss most, this is the girl I have been aching and crying for.
We all leave or bodies someday. They are perishable, they all have a shelf life and a expiration date. You left your body before me. I am trying to see that as another stage of development. I am trying to learn to embrace that but it is so hard because I can not see it and understand it like before.
I understand what has happened. I live in a world were I am told that I must accept that death is final. I am told that in order to be a healthy person in this world I have to let you go and move on.
It is not who I am or who I have ever been. I have tried to let you go but it goes against my spirit, my soul.
These dreams are telling me that I don't have to let go because you have only changed and are not gone. This comforts me. I am going to give myself permission to believe this, to hold onto this. I am told this kind of thinking will only hurt me, prolong the process but I know that this kind of thinking will heal me.
I have know you forever and we could still communicate even when you could no longer talk, we found ways...I will find a way again, I am listening, my heart is open.