Saturday, March 22, 2008

Full moon in your window

Hey baby girl. I am feeling extra lonely for you tonight. You brother and dad are coloring Easter eggs in the kitchen. I gave it my best shot but my heart just isn't in it. I went shopping for basket stuff for your brother and sister, it was sad.

I am use to buying three, now I buy two and it feels all wrong like I stepped into someone else's life by accident. I bought you a chocolate bunny and a little lamb, they are by your picture in your room. I know you can not eat them or touch them but they are there I just wanted you to know I didn't forget you.

I went to see Horton Hears A Who with Noah yesterday. I didn't really want to go but I promised him and he needs to do kid things and I need to pretend I am having a good time a little better, I think he is on to me. He is so good and so sweet to me. As much as I love his attention I know he is doing it because he needs me to be my old self, he needs life to feel normal, that hurts.

So we went to the movies, I slept through the previews, I had a terrible headache. The movie started and I cried, I think I cried several times, quietly and discreetly. There were pink Skies, and a little yellow furry thing that reminded me of you. There was this one part where they are imagining the worlds that live inside their little specks and the little yellow thing said, "In my speck they are all ponies and they eat rainbows and poop butterflies" Then is made a little sigh that sounded just like you, even Noah looked at me to be sure I got it.

The story has always been a beautiful one but the movie brought it all to life. I kept telling myself that I have to believe in a bigger world outside of this little speck of a planet we live on, I have to keep listening and never give up.

At the end of the movie they show the universe with planets and stars, the little yellow thing goes floating by smiling...

Are you out there? Hold me close, keep me safe and don't let me break.

Tomorrow is Easter. We are not doing anything. I will give Noah a little egg-hunt and a basket but we are not inviting anyone over, no crowded house, games for silly prizes, giant table full of way too much food. It will just be us and it will be quiet, so quiet.

The moon is full and it is right where it was before, shining through your window at four in the morning. I keep your window open, I have not closed it since you left. I am waiting for you to fly back in like the Darling children in Peter Pan. The moonlight is so bright is wakes me and I lay there thinking about you and how alone I feel without you. It is selfish really. What I should be doing is imagining how beautiful it is where you are and how happy you are.

I should imagine you walking on never ending beaches, laughing, running, riding a bike. I should imagine you sleeping deep, waking to the sound of angels singing and reading all the books ever written.

Instead I sink deep into myself.

Dad went to the cemetery on Friday. I don't know why it bothers me. I feel like that is my place, my place to be with you, it feels very private. I am strange. I need to work on that.

What should I do next month? I had all these ideas last year but now I just want to get through the day in one piece. People will come if I ask, but I don't feel like being with them and crying. They will expect me to be stronger, moved on a little, celebrate instead of mourn. I am just not there yet, not sure if I will ever be. I know it sounds pathetic but I can't help it, it just hurts.

If you want something specific you have to show me or tell me.

These are the nights last year that we floated in the pool under the stars and that moon. I am torn apart by the memory but I am so glad we had that moment, I love you so.

The moon is too beautiful Stevie. It makes it hard to hate God under a moon like that. There is so much I just don't understand.

Don't be too far away...


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