Saturday, March 15, 2008

Out go the lights


This will be a very different post then the one I intended on sending this morning. I sat down and wrote and wrote. I began to tell the story of Stevie and the library and the book I found, I was writing a passage from the book when the electricity went out. I can not explain it. The weather is nice, no wind, sunny, no accidents just a momentary loss of electricity.

My computer shut down and my post was lost. The last words I wrote were by George Anderson he was explaining that our loved ones never leave, they just transition to another place. He tells us in his book that people who have crossed over tell him over and over that they are closer to their loved ones now than they could have ever been while here.

Did Stevie shut down the power? If I were to be still and let it be, live as if she did then my life would be blessed beyond belief. Some ladies want a fur coat, a long vacation, a day at a spa, a man. All I want is to know my girl is OK, it would be like winning the lottery.

It sure was strange timing and the lights came back on in less than two minutes.

Today last year we had a prayer circle, thousands of people gathered from near and far to pray for my daughter to be healed. God said, "no. "

I am told that the prayers were answered, her suffering was ended and I did pray for that but I expected a miracle, to wake up the next day and for her to sit up in bed and say, "hey, mom I feel great could you help me get in the shower and find me a gingerbread soy latte?"

I knew she was leaving but I had to hold on, I didn't want to let her go so we prayed.

How can that be a year ago? Where did all those prayers go?

I took Noah to the street carnival they do every year for St.Patricks day. I hate carnivals, I mean I really hate them. They are crowded and gross. The energy is all wrong for me but I knew Noah would love it. I bribed myself with carnival food and off we went. It was pretty horrible but Noah went on rickety little rides, had a hot dog, a caramel apple, and got to see a million little school friends. I still would have rather eaten my own liver but I am trying to be a good mom.

I ate things I should not have and I am sure I will smell like garlic fries for at least a week. I needed to be outside, out of the house and underneath a sky of the most incredible clouds I have ever seen, they are breathtaking and surreal. It was nice to be with my boy but I was not all me, he deserves all of me.

The day is winding down, it is quiet here. The clocks are all flashing because they need to be re-set so I have no idea what time it is.

Stevie I am still praying sweet. I will live "as if" and start paying attention to what is all around me. Thank you for still loving me.

Mama