Wednesday, March 19, 2008
(I accidentally sent my blog post to the eleven morning site, yikes I hope it doesn't freak anyone out.)
Today is the 19Th and most of you know I go to the cemetery every month on the 19Th. It is my day to be with my girls body, to honor her, to be as physically close to her as I can. This is her place, her name is marked there in bronze and marble. She is loved, she is real, and she will not be forgotten.
This morning for the first time I got the feeling that she would not want me to go. I told her I had to. There may be a day when I only go on holidays, anniversaries, and her birthday but for right now this little ritual is what I need to do.
The whole drive up I talked to her. I told her that I wished she could come to me one night. She would be proceeded by three angels who would prepare me, answer my questions, and help heal my broken places. She would follow surrounded by light and I would be filled with her. Our thoughts and our feelings would replace words and it would all be OK. She would promise to be there when it was my time, she would tell me to have a happy life and we would tell each other how much love there was in the spaces-in-between. I spoke about it in detail, crying and wanting it so badly.
Then I calmed myself and thanked her for the dreams last night. The first dream was of her in the kitchen with Aly, they were hugging each other, Steve and Noah came in and Steve lifted her up and she fell backwards. The blood rushed to her head. I panicked and had him sit her on the counter. She said, "great there goes the vision" I was so mad at Steve that I woke up.
I went back to sleep easily and dreamed I woke up. Noah was in the middle of Stevie's be and I was watching him sleep, he seemed so little and I could still see the baby in him. I turned to Stevie and said, "Doesn't he look like a baby?" Then he woke up. He looked at Stevie and they both smiled at each other, he played with her hair then said, "I wanna kiss you on the lips" She smiled and he gave her a sweet 'MMMMwah"
She turned to me and her eyes were so blue. I was talking to her without speaking and I said, "your eyes, I forgot how blue they are, they are so blue" Then I could smell her, her scent, that fruity, flowery, girl smell she has. I was so happy. I woke up (really this time) and said out loud, "thank you baby, thank you"
I got to the cemetery and the weather was beautiful suddenly, it was sunny, warm and just pretty. It was cloudy and cold this morning and is getting cloudy and cold again. I was lucky to be there when the sun did it's thing. I did not stay as long as I usually do. All the way there I felt like we had been together.
Something looked a little off at her grave-site. Last month I had placed yellow and pink tulips, today there was a bunch of red Peony tucked into her vase with the other flowers. I pulled them out thinking, "no, not red" I am such a control freak.
It took me a moment to realize they were my favorite color and my favorite flower. I have asked everyone, I don't know how they got there. Maybe a gardener just plopped them in thinking they belong there? Well...it has to be more than a coincidence. I can't deny that one. It affected me the whole way home.
I am not blue and not having a cemetery hang-over. I feel close to her today, very close. My heart is not so heavy today.
Thank you Stevie for the flowers, the book, the dream and for being my girl then, now and always.