Friday, March 7, 2008

Last times...

Lamb Chop

I was riding my bike to pick up Noah up from school, big black crows were keeping watch over head, they seem to be where ever I am. The day felt like another day, a different day. The air smelled the same as that other day, the same flowers blossoming in the same yards, the same little dog sitting in front of the same green Jimmy. Last year I left you home, in bed while I got in my car and drove the few short blocks to pick up Noah. I always tried to get back as quickly as I could so you wouldn't have to be alone. On this particular day I lingered a little and spoke with the mother of a little school friend of Noah's. I felt guilty but I also needed to talk to someone, breath some fresh air, have someone fill me up with hope.

I didn't know that day that we would only have six weeks left. If I knew I would have put you in the car and taken you to the airport. I would have purchased tickets to anywhere beautiful and I would have spent long days with you listening to the waves roll in and out.

It seems most days are connected to last year or the years before, what it was like when you were here and what it is like now that you are not. I would have done so many things differently.

I wouldn't have worried about money, I would have been less selfish with my time. I would have complained less about how stressed out I was and taken you and Aly to the beach instead. I would have given you chocolate cake for breakfast everyday. I would have been a better mother, I would have played more and worked less. I wouldn't make you put the Barbies away so we could have dinner instead I would have made dinner a Barbie pic-nic. I would have read you stories you loved every night even if I was tired. I would have said "Yes" more and I would have never yelled at you, ever. I wouldn't have gone back to school and I would have never been late to pick you up or forget to give you lunch money. I would have put notes in your lunch with all your favorite foods. I would have put your childhood ahead of my trying to figure out who I was. I would have never torn our family apart, instead I would have learned to be brave and strong and live with integrity and honesty. I would have found a way to save your life.

There were to many "last times" and it really bites because I didn't know that's what they were and it is so unfair.

I feel like I need to tell everyone that today is a last day, you will never ever get it again. Tomorrow your child will be a day older, an opportunity missed may never come again, the sun will never set quite this way again, with the clouds that color and little hands in yours as you pretend that you know the magic words to make it happen.

I miss all those times Stevie. I miss the pink flowers on your towering sweet sixteen cake, I miss the way your face scrunches up when you laugh, I miss how excited you would get Christmas eve and how anxious you got right before you bought something big that you had saved so long for.

I miss sleeping next to you, trying to get you to wash your dishes, putting your pony tail in for you, way up high. I miss you hogging the blankets, the computer, all the fruit, and the hot water. I miss you staying up late eating oranges and watching weird shows. I miss you and Aly picking on me. I miss teasing you. I miss you telling me what to read next or hiding books you loved and wouldn't let me read because there was sex in them and you didn't want me to think you were a perv.

I miss how sad you got sometimes, and how pumped you got when tickets went on sale for a band you adored. I miss your hand coming through the headrest in the car to touch my hair. I miss talking about all the things you had planned, all the places you wanted to visit, all the food you wanted to try.

I miss your PETA propaganda in the bathroom basket, your green chucks by the door, and your smile in the morning. I miss being able to talk to you and tell you everything.

I don't know where you are but I don't want to think that the last time I kissed you was the last time I would ever be with you. Wait for me in the everywhere I just have a little more work to do and I will be home.

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