Monday, February 25, 2008
This is a blog about grief, this post is about pain.
I know I am not alone in the is world with this empty place inside me but sometimes it feels like it is just me and this pain and nothing else but an infinite universe that will not comfort me, that can not comfort me because it is a vast sea of things that are only alive until they die.
There are days when I almost feel normal. I work really hard, stay distracted, watch video's, get knee deep in paint and clay, cook, clean, run errands, make plans, and fall down tired at the end of the day. That is a good day. It feels good because I am productive, entertained, and I am outside of the hurting for just long enough to believe it will all be fine that there is a plan, and I am just here to get some work done until it is time to go back home and be with my girl again.
Then there are days like today when I wake up with a heart so heavy it is almost impossible to get out of bed. I lay there in the gray morning watching the tree outside my window begin to change again. It will be spring soon and she will not be here to help me plan our famous Easter. We both loved Spring best and we would talk about what we would serve for Easter Brunch, who we would invite, where we would have the hunt and who was too old this year to do it.
Stevie loved Daffodils and tulips, the loved the colors of spring, the new clothes, the promise of pretty sweaters and cute shoes. We would shop, plan, cook, and play. She was fun, she was my friend and it feels so wrong that she is not here. It feels like spring is gone forever.
I sit up in bed and smell her pillow, it is gone, her scent, it is finally gone, and I can't remember it, I have no way to get it back. I can describe it because I remember the words but I will never have it again. She was peaches, bubbles, sugar, flowers...
She is drifting away. I am holding on tight but there are things that time is taking away. It feels like I have to keep mourning...
I can still remember this time last year. It wasn't good, it was the beginning of her dying. I knew and didn't know. I thought I was one of God's favorites and no matter how bad it got I would stay in favor and we would be protected. This was a thing that happened to other people not me. Not Stevie.
I am not OK. Everyone thinks I am. They see me doing things I used to do, doing things I always wanted to do but could not. They think I am free, that I am growing, that my life is finally mine.
It isn't mine, it belongs to a clock that ticks in time with the beating of my heart. I am a prisoner inside this body, inside this sad place. This is where I really am, this is where I wait.
I need so much. I feel like I was once a bright spot on this planet and God could see me, knew I was here, listened to me, loved me.
I feel forgotten now.
I try so hard to stay floating in this sea of tears but I need so much and that need is so heavy.
Dark blue. Dark blue.
Stevie if you can hear my soul let me know. You came to me in a dream wearing a pink shirt you were holding something you didn't want me to have but I can't remember what it was. I can only remember how beautiful you looked and how hard I tried to go back to sleep so I could find you again.
I dreamed of a hospital, a maze of corridors, of rooms and of people telling me I had to leave and come back in the morning. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to leave you there hooked up and sleeping, cold under hospital sheets, in room that never gets dark. Then you were sitting at the end of the bed, you were so pretty and you were well. I knew we didn't have enough time and you told me you missed home and that you really missed your sister and you were gone before I could ask you anything.
These bits and pieces should mean more. I just don't know what is real. Is this just dreaming? Just my mind replaying parts of my memory? Is it you trying your best to find me, giving me what I need like puzzle pieces? I don't know, I just don't know.
I am trying to believe but this rope I am hanging onto is beginning to fray. Save me.
When the cherry tree blossoms I will be undone. I can not buy the Easter eggs, I am not having brunch, it is too much. The daffodils we planted stood tall in the storm, they are full of rain water and they miss you, they are pale, the double cups didn't come up.
When the tulips come up it is going to hurt, especially the one pink one by the walnut tree.
Come home Stevie, it is too lonely here without you.