All Hearts Day

Stevie,

It was a sad day yesterday. It is the first Valentines day without you here in your body. It was the first time I didn't give you a heart shaped box of chocolates, and a little present. Your brother and sister opened their gifts quietly.

We had chicken parm for dinner (I used fake chicken) Aly and I had a couple glasses of wine and talked about you. She still doesn't believe in God or Heaven. She is very upset because she thinks you are gone forever. I told her that you did not die, you just don't live here like you use to. She wants proof just like I do, the difference is that I still have a little damaged faith to cling to, she doesn't.

She misses you so much. We all do.

Every night for a long time an alarm has gone off. It sounds like the alarm on a watch or clock, an electronic beeping. I use to think we had an old watch in a drawer or it was a toy of Noah's. I have tried to track it down but I can not find it. Tonight I will. Last night I was too lazy to get up but I did look at the clock by my bed and it said "9:23" The damn thing goes off at 9:23 every night! That is your birthday, but you knew that didn't you. It took me a while to get it but I did, thank you.

If you were here, like you were before you left your body we would have gone to Thai for lunch, maybe the bookstore. We would have made Dad take us all to Fondue Freds for dinner and came home full of cheese, bread and chocolate.

I am almost done with the book, I had to add a couple more illustrations but it is going to be so perfect. I wonder if you like it...

When I woke up this morning I was remembering the day we sat on the floor by your closet, you wanted me to bring out all your stuff so you could organize it. That was the day you gave Noah your sacred Treasure chest of little toys you collected your whole life and gave Aly your perfume collection. You were saying good-bye. Did you know it? I wish I would have held you tighter that day and thanked you for all the gifts you gave to me. The gift of carrying you inside my body, the gift of your birth, the sweetness of your childhood, your dreams, your fairies, your morning cuddles.

You let me watch you grow and learn, you taught me so many silly things and so many things that keep me alive. You inspired my art, you loved me even when I was grouchy and terrible. You forgave me for not being perfect and you held onto me when I let go.

You left me a beautiful place to sleep and dream about you. You left me your softest pajamas, you fuzzy pink blanket, your hats and your music. I treasure these things more than you could know.

You have been the love of my life and you are my heart sweet girl.

Well my sweet lamb, my little bunny-girl I have to get your brother to school and then I am off to Iva's house to have an art-play-date. Keep visiting me in my dreams. Show your sister that you are not gone forever, just in a place she can not easily see you, teach her how to believe in magic again.

Mommy