Wednesday, April 2, 2008
My Aunt called me late last night.
She was crying and saying all the things that I have said, that I still do, and there were no words to comfort her, I didn't even try. I know that there are only two things that can truly comfort and one is the ability to give you your child back the other is to show you where they are now. If a person can not give you those two things than words fall away.
I have read a few books that have comforted me for short periods of time. I have wanted the words there to be true and for the person who wrote them to really be as good and loving between the lines as they should be.
These are hard days. Loosing a child is not normal so there is not a normal process to go through. This thing is messy and all over the place. There is guilt, regret, sorrow, pain, confusion, empty places that stay empty.
My heart was breaking for her but there was nothing I could do, and I knew it too well.
A parent who loses a child is one of the most broken people you will meet. We try so hard to hold ourselves together with string and tape, we get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other no matter how heavy our heart it and how much we want to lay sleeping because that is the only place where we can be for a moment where there is some kind of peace.
Some of us work harder than we should because hard work is an escape. Some of us throw ourselves into a cause because we need someone or something to take care of, we need to be needed, feel useful. Some of us find other ways to numb this pain that only hurt us more.
The bottom line is that there is no short cut, no escape, we have to come to terms with the fact that we can not change or fix this thing. We are where we are, we have what we have. This time our strength as mothers can not lift the car or pull the child out of the alligators jaws. This time our strength as mothers will lift and pull us from this dark and hurting place and allow us to find beauty and peace again in a world where our child is not.
It does not seem possible but I know it happens. God is all loving, I am still pissed at God but I know in the recesses of my heart and soul that I am still loved and that one day I will wake up with a heart that is less heavy. I fight it now because I fear that less pain means less memory but I know I can have both I just have to walk down this dark winding path first.
My daughter did not leave me, she was not taken away. Her body simply could no longer contain her soul and she had to leave it. She is still here with me, I feel her now. I still beg the universe for more but everyday I feel closer to understanding. I fall back a step but I think I moving forward little by little.
Aunty and anyone else feeling lost in this dark forest of endless night and tears, there is light up ahead and it is not a new empty place. This is really a circle we are walking and we will end up where we started in our same lives but we will be different, we will know what some people will never know and that will carry us through the rest of our days stronger and a little more blessed. This is a gift our children give us and we give ourselves. We were chosen and we chose this most sacred of lessons.