Saturday, April 12, 2008
This is going to be a strange post, fair warning. I am in some weird place with the memorial coming up, relationship stress, and regular responsibilities. I can't explain what I am feeling right now, maybe it is just more of the same stuff I have always been feeling just in a different combination.
So last night I was relaxing in our stinky pool spa. Most pools smell like chlorine, I happen to like that smell, it reminds me of summer. Our pool has a big padded vinyl cover that keeps the heat in when we are not using it. The cover gets sweaty inside the pool and the water absorbs the smell of the sweaty cover, a musty moldy smell. When you get out you smell like it too. I degrees. I decided I would empty the whole pool (it has been a year since we did a full drain and fill) the power has to go off to the pool and the water needs to cool. Last night was the last of the really warm water before the big drain this morning.
It was about ten O'clock the sky was clear, deep indigo, a half moon and the big dipper right over my head. Isn't it funny that if you look at the sky long enough it seems like there a million dippers. Under that sky, with a quiet neighborhood fast asleep I felt very relaxed. I meditated hoping for something incredible to come to me. I started talking to God and to Stevie and then I was just talking to anyone who would listen. This talking is internal, just so you don't get a weird picture of me naked in my backyard in a little pool babbling.
I was asking why it was so hard to communicate with Stevie, why I couldn't just "see" her and the answer was "it is too dense there"
I asked, "what does that mean, dense?"
The answer was "all the particles are packed so tightly together so make something that looks solid and touchable"
I asked "so what are you"
the answer was "I am not packed so tightly I am everywhere"
"Oh no, not like a petal on a flower and the fuzz on a fallen lollipop?"
"Nope, I am just everywhere, I am spread out, it is just different"
So I asked "How does this work, how did I get so packed tight"
"All the particles just came together to make you, it is a miracle"
"Wait a minute how does that work?"
"It just happens, it is random"
"No way, what about DNA, we are connected, I look like my mother, my daughter looks like me, we share creativity, likes and dislikes, what about that?"
"DNA is a code, it is also a magnet it helps bring the particles together, it attracts them but they are not the same they are just what is attracted"
"I don't get it"
"Well you are an artist, you mother and father were artists, your grandfather and your daughter you are all artists but you are different kinds of artists. You have the code or magnet for creativity and that attracts those kinds of particles, but different ones, your own. Every person is a unique combination of these things, they may seem similar and it may look like a pattern but it is still very random, no two people are ever alike"
"So what happens when we die?"
"The particles are released and will come together in a different combination to create a new person"
"That sucks, I don't like it, what about personality?"
"All energy is one thing, there is just one, at times different parts of this energy are doing different things but they are still one thing. You are physical right now, you are experiencing this one moment in time, in this combination, it is not the first time and it will not be the last
time. What you call personality is just the experience of this combination."
"Again, this sucks, this means I will never see Stevie or be with her again, this was it, this random life, this random experience, fuck that"
"You are Stevie, she is you and you are something so much bigger, complex, and complete. When your physical body dies you will be with her again as one whole. The two of you may combine in ways that bring you back together in a physical way, and it may not. The two of you have similar energy, share experience particles, when the magnet pulls, the two of you may be pulled in a like direction as two different people or as one person."
"What about heaven? is that some kind of Santa Clause thing I have to deal with?"
"Heaven is just the slow separation of those particles. When your physical body dies it slowly decays and all of that organic material becomes part of the physical world again. When your energy leaves this body it too has to slowly change and separate, it takes time. There is a space where you are still the memory of that combination and every combination you have ever been, this recipe is a new kind of energy that may attract the same way again"
"So trying to talk to her is a waste of time?"
"No, she is still the memory of who she was when she was physical, each particle like each cell in a body has a memory, it is made up of the whole. One of your skin cells holds the memory of your entire physical body, your code, this does not go away it just gets added to. What you have shared in this life is recorded in her and in you. When you speak to her you speak to every particle that made her and they each feel that love and connection"
"I am sorry but this is not what I hoped for I wanted there to be a heaven where she would be waiting for me, and we could see and touch each other again."
"Be patient, it is even better than that"
This took about half an hour. I was bleary eyed and freaked out that I didn't drown in the pool. I felt a little Kooky, wondered if maybe this is what goes on in the heads of people who pee in public, live out of shopping carts, and yell in the streets about potato salad and enemy fire.
We all do this internal dialog thing, and I needed answers. Maybe I was talking to myself, maybe I was connecting to the bigger picture, I just don't know. I do know that there was a few minutes of contentment.