Monday, April 28, 2008


It was so hot yesterday, there is nothing better than a hot day for me, I was made for it. Noah and I played a little catch, had a sandwich in the park (until the bee's found us), went for a swim and watched Dan In Real Life.

Noah convinced me that this movie would be really funny but it wasn't what he thought it was, I actually liked it and he lost interest less than half way through. I wouldn't put it on my top 100 movies to watch but it was sweet.

After we were done swimming Noah and I made a little raft out of pool noodles and floated. We watched birds and clouds and two lost balloons. We talked about Stevie and how much we missed her. We talked about coming back after we were done with these lives and Noah said that in our next life he wanted to be my big brother and Stevie could be the mom. He is sure we will come back on a different planet. We started talking in our new language on that other planet and called the ocean the oogily-boogily. He giggled every time we made up a new word for an everyday thing. He wanted it to go on forever, kids don't like endings.

Aly had a melt down. She is filled with so much anger not just at everyone else but at herself. I have never known anyone who did not like themselves as much as her. She wants and needs but instead of finding a way to get those things or make those things happen she complains and cries about how unfair it is that she does not have them. I don't know how to help her. I am the enemy. I don't know when she started hating me so much. I thought it was a phase but it is starting to feel like the way things will always be.

I don't like this person she is right now. She is my daughter she should be stronger, more driven. I am not the best role model for most things but I endure, I work hard, I love and play hard. If I did not I would fall apart. She just sees me as being "hard" and I am not. I am tender and mushy I just know that when life gets hard you need to put on your big girl panties, stand up straight and move forward. Lost in a puddle turns into sitting at the bottom of a well.

This thing with Stevie has brought me to my knees but I have to keep doing, keep being and I can cry while I do the dishes, ache while I write a book, and miss Stevie while I float in a pool. Life was not meant for crybabies, it is too messy and requires too much getting back up.

Maybe I ruined her somehow...I love her and I try but I just don't know what to do.

When I found out I was pregnant with her I was only 19. Steve and I were dating and having a really good time. He was my best friend at the time. I don't think it was as romantic as it was just fun and happy. I was young and weird and he "got" me back then, liked me anyway.

He didn't want to have a baby, and the timing was pretty horrible but I loved Aly the minute I knew she was there. Something in me changed. I was so terrified but I was sure. I had no idea what was going to happen with Steve and all the drama was a drag but inside me was a calm knowing that she and I were going to be OK.

When she was born she was so big and warm, so real. On the delivery table I felt so overwhelmed. I think I actually said that I wanted to go home and come back tomorrow. I was way too young.

Back in my room I was told to get some rest while they did the nursery thing. As soon as the nurse left I got up out of bed and walked to the nursery and stood at the window with the dad's and grandparents. I knew her. She was so pink and her hair was so dark. Her face was my face, my dads face, my sisters face, she was my family. I fell in love with her then and there, I fell hard for that bundle of warm and sweet. She was mine and I was hers.

If the nurses could have chained me to my bed they would have. They were trying to mother me but I wanted to take my baby and go home. I finally did the next morning against advice.

It was pure instinct, every second. It was tender and sweet in all the ways it should have been. We fell asleep in the backyard on a blanket under this old crusty tree, we lay in the bath together listening to nothing at all and we spent long days just being.

I felt so real, so important, and so loved by God.

She was this precious present I knew I did not deserve, but I thanked God over and over for trusting me with her.

She is still that present. I don't know how to love her enough, I don't know how to fix what is broken inside her. I wished she loved and trusted me but I wish more that she loved and trusted herself.

Stevie was my best friend. We were different, or at least what I felt (feel) for her is different than anything else. This does not mean I love her more than Aly I just love her differently.

Aly and I have something that only she and I can have. She was my first baby, we spent two years together just her and I. We were our own planet. She was my first real love, for the first time in my life I felt truly connected and not alone.

If she were reading this, and she never would this is what I would tell her, and don't say you should just tell her, I can't, I have tried, she can not hear me.


I love you.
I know you can not remember the days
when it was just you and I
Under the tree
me telling you stories
and singing you songs
In the bath
with all the bubbles
you would fall asleep warm and happy

I love you.
Do you remember
when we chases ducks at the lake
made cookies with green frosting
drove around in the red car?

I love you.
Do you remember shopping
for your prom dress
the morning of the prom
because you changed your mind
and decided to go?

I love you.
Will you remember
this time when I tried so hard
to be near you
to understand you
to help you
but I couldn't?

I love you.
I know
how much I love you
how proud I am of you
how beautiful you are
how smart and gentle
you can be
the real you, the real you
hiding there inside you
too afraid
too unsure

I love you.
Be here with me
be my family
let me love you
let me help


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