Thursday, April 24, 2008
A new day
I went to have my hair cut yesterday. I thought of growing it long but I knew it wasn't me. I got the same wedgie bob I have had for years. While he was cutting I was thinking that a years worth of hair was gone, the hair that Stevie knew and touched while she was still here, it was all on the floor being swept away but I was still me. I am not my hair although that hair was once a part of me.
I have to remember that, hold onto that.
Saturday went well.
I woke at two am to the light of the moon streaming in through Stevie's window. I lay in bed talking to her, telling her how much I love her until I fell asleep again. I woke before sun-up the wind was ripping through the yard, the chimes were crashing. I wrapped Stevie's fuzzy pink blanket around me and sat out on the front porch like I have a hundred times and waited for the sun to come up, her sun, her day.
I made a huge dish of cheese stuffed pasta, put the house in order and spent a little alone time with my thoughts while I waited for guests. I would not let myself think about the last day. I made myself be here in this day, in this moment with my girl the way she is now. I tried to fill my empty space with love, all the love I have for her, the love I will always carry.
The weather was biting, cold, cold wind. This is not typical April weather for California, it did not seem like an accident. The day was planned outdoors but we ended up inside, standing room only but it was good, so many people so much love.
My best friend from high school came with her daughters and her sister. I remember the day her oldest was born now she is a woman. I remember he little sister sitting on my lap in a leaky diaper on the way to a high school football game, now she is a mother.
My cousin Woody showed up with a basket of some of my most favorite things so that when everyone went home I would have some comfort. Her mother and sister, and all their children were there to support me. They know this loss, they understand this gathering.
Flowers were delivered, tulips, tulips, tulips...
At the end of the day we brought the balloons out to the front yard, Steve said thank you to everyone for being our friends and our family and for loving our daughter. I said "I love You Stevie" and let my balloon go, fifty more followed, it was so beautiful, I can't even describe it. They drifted until they became tiny stars then they were gone. Every one clapped, sighed, cried.
We went inside and ate more, talked then everyone slowly made their way home.
It was good, it was right.
I am moving forward. I am not afraid anymore, I won't lose her if I live, I will just take her with me, if she chooses to come, and I think she does. I feel her love all around me, all the time.
I had a dream last night that she was a little girl, here in the house, I knew she could not stay but I was so happy to just be with her. The dream is fading no matter how hard I try to hold onto it.
This morning I was filled with Hope.
Stevie is not cells, she is not flesh and hair and breath. Those things were a part of her for some time but now she is who she has always been and I have to learn to be with this Stevie now, let her be with me in the way that she can.
This is not easy, it is the hardest thing but it is what I have.
Someday there will be understanding, each day I am one day closer.
I love you Stevie, I love you so much, my heart is no longer empty, it is full of you. I know there are so many more hard days to come, I know it will never be the same, perfect days are gone forever but I will live fully in days like today when I feel you so close, and there is a glimpse of knowing.
I wrote in my journal about the house in heaven I would build for you...I will think about you there.
Sweet dreams my wonderful, precious, favorite girl,