Friday, September 28, 2007

I had a dream that the earth was just one of many, each sealed up in its own membrane . I was able to get a glimpse through clouds one night and see the topography of another earth. I found a way to navigate through the other planet in my own tiny bubble that was strong and clear. I floated through favorite places that are only familiar to me when I dream. No one could see me.

In another dream I could sit in a chair and levitate, fly, travel, as if the chair were a bicycle or a car or a plane. All I had to do was believe that I could. I went to a wedding and I taught a teary bride to do it, it made her happy and she floated away from a the place where everything was white and purple.

In another dream my daughter was little again and I watched her over and over in different frames, so little.

I have been waking up thinking that God (or someone) is trying to tell me something important. It is a blessing I should embrace it and sit still and wait for it to come. I have been waiting for this but I am afraid, what if I am disappointed, what if it isn't real,what if I am losing my mind.

The interesting thing is that before Stevie left her body I was so sure about so many things. I didn't question I just explored and collected more things to believe in. Now that I am sitting here in this quiet empty place inside myself I find it hard to believe and to trust anything, needing to know so badly makes it even worse. I know what the mind can do.

I use to believe that all things were possible, maybe they still are...

I use to pray.

I use to believe that my prayers were answered.

I stopped believing when she took her last breath.

Now I wonder if my prayers were answered and God simply said "No"

Can he do that?

I guess he can.

The universe is in charge I suppose.

I watched "The Secret" I think the real secret is that it is possible to do anything you want, be anyone you want, move in any direction, have it all...

if the universe says "Yes"

It is like building a house, it all starts with a dream. You plan a place to live your life, to raise your children, to grow old. You put what is in your heart down on a blueprint. The architect may say no to a big window, door or the dimensions of a room. The building inspectors may say no to the type of material you use or where you can and can not have a bathroom. The bank may say no to the amount of money you want to borrow.

You get your house, it may be a bit different than the house you dreamed it would be. One day you may wake up and say "This house is even more perfect than I imagined" or you may wake up and say "This isn't the house for me, I think I need to rebuild it"

The universe said "No" to me and I can not keep my daughter here like before. Instead I have to relearn her, know her in a different way, let go of that little girl skipping and dancing around on tip-toes, accept this.

My life doesn't feel like it is for me anymore, so I will have to rebuild it.

I wonder if there is another earth somewhere out there. On this other planet the sun is rising, I am waking up, and the universe has said "Yes". Stevie is making coffee and talking to me about what she will be doing today. I look at her from across the kitchen her eyes bright blue, her auburn hair is messy, she is wearing soft flannel pajamas. As she sips coffee and rambles about bookstores and tofu ice cream I smile and I get this feeling that God (or someone) is trying to tell me something important. I am not afraid, I just believe.

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