Happy Birthday Baby

I remember this night twenty years ago. It was just you and I in that quiet room. The little lights in the tree outside our window glowed just enough for us to see each other in the dark. You nursed and slept, and I slept and woke not believing you were really mine.

I knew, something inside me knew what we were in for but that night was ours. I lay next to you in that hospital bed, holding you close. The nurses came in and out, and the hours passed. The next morning you and I woke to the sun rising. I carried you to the window and said "Look Stevie that is the sun coming up, the sky is blue and pink and orange, and it is all for you, all because of you"

There were nineteen birthdays, all different, each one your favorite birthday. You loved birthdays.

This birthday is my first without you.

The last night of your life was spent in a dark room, you and I in a narrow hospital bed. The nurses came in and out. We slept off and on through the night. You woke to squeeze my hand and I told you I loved you. I woke hours later to find you gone.

This morning I rose early and walked out the front door to watch the most beautiful sunrise, just like the one the morning you were born. It was blue, pink and orange and it felt like a gift just for me.

We have come full circle my love. It is amazing, it is beautiful, and my heart is breaking.

I bought two vegan chocolate cakes. We all went to the cemetery, we turned your music up loud, and just sat around all in our own private thoughts. There were tears, then sad words, then we were just ourselves, as if you were sitting there with us and not buried beneath us.

We all came back to the house and made a lunch you would have loved, vegetarian, Mediterranean, simple and beautiful.

I lit a candle in your room this morning, it is still burning. Your room smells like lemons and creme.

I whispered all day, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I do.

I don't regret a moment...I just wish you never had to feel pain, or be afraid.

Teresa came and held me up. TT came with Anthony, Maread and Alison were here, I gave Maread you Juicy scarf, she cried. I knew you would want her to have it. Alison cried and it broke me. They loved you so much. Ashley and Megan were here, Megan got a tattoo of yellow tulip for you. Aunty Jerry, Kylie, Ron, Irene, Sandy, Me Dad, Aly and Noah.

We were all there remembering you, missing you.

I wish I could see you, touch you, whisper Happy Birthdays in your ear.

Please be here, be you, know how loved you are.

I am waiting, always waiting.

Mommy