Friday, September 21, 2007


I've had a selfish day hiding in my studio and making art. I am trying hard to distract myself doing something that gives me pleasure. I feel guilty when I feel good. I always talk to her, invite her to share it with me, but it seems unfair that I am here and she is not and she deserves to be here. She deserves to be someplace better...I deserve to be with her.

I offer her my body and tell her she can jump in anytime if she misses her favorite dishes or wants to listen to music or take a hot shower. I am hers, she has all of me. Not sure if the idea if walking around it your moms old body, stretch marks, grey hair, and my smelly black t-shirts sounds very appealing to her but it is what I have to offer.

I am keeping vegetarian, not the sometimes vegetarian, she hated it when I wouldn't commit all the way. Well I am. I did eat a tuna sandwich...maybe I still can't commit.

I am going to find the vegan chocolate cake recipe on line tomorrow and bake her birthday cake. I won't do this every year she would hate it, tell me it is creepy. I have to do it this year, it is too hard to not have this last thing. Everything seems like a last thing.

Well I am tired. My fingers ache from drawing and cutting, my neck and eyes are sore, my bottom is numb. It is time for bed.

I love this child, with all that I am, and I miss her more than I can express.

Come to me Stevie tonight in my dreams, show me were you live.
Sweet Bella-bunny-girl...


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