Friday, November 28, 2008


When Noah was little he use to say "Chanks mom" and I would say your welcome he would also answer "Yesh" when I offered him a cookie. My favorite was "Oh I a nishey-boy" and he is still the nicest boy I know.

We went to Jeff and Sarah's for Chanksgiving. We were going to have a pic-nic but the weather was a little iffy so we decided to do an indoor casual dinner. We used paper plates, ate huge pots of homeade soup (Lizzies Butternut-apple rocks me upside down) pie, sandwiches, a huge Sarah salad and played board games. Later we went for a night hike along the water and enjoyed the view of the bridge. Noah thought the bridge lights were christmas decorations.

I thought is would be terribly sad but it wasn't.

Early Thanksgiving morning before everyone woke up I decided to head out to the cemetery to bring Stevie a terrible little Christmas tree decorated with glittery bulbs, pink bows, and silver snow flakes. I chose a tree she could see from heaven.

When I got there the gates were locked, that was unusual as it's a sunup to sundown park. I waited about an hour, watched the cars line up, watched people get mad and leave then decided to lock my car and head up the hill on foot.

I squeezed my sausage self and my silly tree through the side of the gate and huffed and puffed myself up the hill for about a mile. I had to sit and rest because I was panting so hard I thought I would faint. I then decided to take a short cut up the muddy hillside instead of continuing on the paved road. This is were it get's funny. Stevie I hope you enjoyed this.

I am out of shape and a little middle-age-over-weight. I was bundled in a down vest and big sweater, and carrying this dingle-dangly Christmas tree while trying to scale a pretty steep and muddy hillside. Half way up I looked down and decided I had made a big mistake. I started to panic and slid about ten feet down, I could have prevented it but I wouldn't let go of the shiny tree. Just as I am trying to right myself and grab at snowflakes that had flown off the tree during the slide several cars whiz by.

It seems that while I was struggling up hill someone opened the gate and the passers by got a good look at me, my muddy but, my red face, hanging on to a poor oleaner bush with rescued snowflakes between my teeth.

I made it up the hill only to find the short cut was not what I thought it was and I still had another hill to climb, this time I chose to walk the road.

I arrived at Stevie's grave a mess. I had lost my hair clip so my hair was a giant curly fright, the top of the tree was bent, I had glitter on my face from the snowflakes I had in my mouth, I was wet, muddy, sweaty, and all I could do was colapse on the grass and laugh.

I brought a pocket full of Stawberries for Stevie and the deer to my surprise they were not smushed at all, and I ate one. I then righted the tree, dumped the old flowers and had a good cry with my girl.

The sky was cloudy, moody, and grey. There were birds and big black crows and me all alone on a cemetery hill with a shiny tree and a view of nothing but a broken heart. I wished she would appear but she didn't. I wished God would sit next to me and explain it all to me but he didn't. I wished that someone would arrive with a warm blanket, a cup of tea and tell me it was all a bad dream but they didn't. So I sat there still and quiet, I prayed, I talked to Stevie then I began walking back to my car.

On the way back I took in the green of the trees, the gold grass that was going to sleep for the winter, the red berries that are suppose to make birds drunk and kids sick if you eat them. I watched little squirrels dart back and forth across the road, leaves fall, and cars drive slowly by. It was peaceful in a way I can not explain. Then there was a great noise, and from every direction big black crows came, they flew into a group of trees just up ahead and the noise increased. Soon I was under a tree full of black crows all talking madly at the same time. It was music only crows understand. It felt important so I stood there and listened for a few minutes, as soon as I walked away it stopped almost like a switch was turned off.