Thursday, November 13, 2008
Redecorating my life...
My good friend Sawsan and I have decided to dedicate 100 days to improving our lives by living our lives with intent, focusing on what we want, and manifesting joy.
We will be doing this "thing" until February 17th 2009. It is an experiment, a promise, an adventure and a hopeful journey.
We had to choose three wishes for ourselves. As women we want to ask for the health and happiness of our children, feed the world, end wars, eliminate cellulite and hot flashes. The deal is we would give that to the universe to work on and for this moment focus on us. If we can manifest joy into our lives then we can offer it to others and be part of a never ending chain of joy-givers. If we are happy, healthy, and strong we can be better tools for the universe to use to create change.
It was not easy choosing the three things. I felt like I had let the genie out of the bottle and I didn't want to screw it up. I had to tell myself over and over, " first these three things, then three more, the universe is abundant and this genie never gets tired of helping you create an amazing life."
My three wishes are this:
My first wish is to have contact with Stevie, real contact, something that I can feel and keep inside me for the rest of my days here. I want the universe to help me find her and allow us lift the veil for a moment and tell each other we are OK.
I wish to know where she is and to know that one day I will be with her again. I want to ask her three questions and know that it is she that is giving me the answers.
My second wish is for my business to be successful. This one is a hard one to ask for, it goes against something inside me that tells me this is greed. I have taken a couple deep breaths and given myself permission to ask for this. I work hard and I deserve to be successful. I am asking for ten paying customers a day. I want to pay off the business debt in a year, have money to keep purchasing art, and have money to save.
I want to be able to support myself should I ever need to. I want to know that I can do something well. I would like to contribute to my family financially.
My last wish is for my health. I would rather be where Stevie is but I am here. If I have to be here and grow old I plan to do it in a healthy body. I would like to lose enough weight to be heart healthy (about 15 pounds) I wish to desire physical activity, to have that feeling athletes have in the morning. I want to take long walks, hike, ride my bike and dance. I am asking the universe to help me find the time and motivation. I see myself in a healthy, fit and strong body.
All this in 100 days? Yes. Why not?
I am only in the first week of this and I already feel a subtle shift. I feel good I know I can do this. The only work I have had to do so far is open myself up to this and allow it to happen. I know the universe has it's own time table and I can be patient while we tweak things and get me ready for this new adventure.
My sister and I love each other. We have been friends to each other, we have parented each other and we have been fight-like-dogs-pulling-hair sisters. It hurts that we can't get along for very long periods of time. I find myself irritated by her, inpatient, judgemental and sometimes just mean.
I have always been hard on her, but never harder on her than I am on myself.
We are at a point in our relationship were we have a hard time just having a telephone conversation. Last night we got into a big disagreement and she decided to tell me off and blame me for things she has no right blaming me for. I did my best to tell myself that she is angry and frustrated and needs someone to download all over. I can be that person but not quietly or easily.
I hung-up on her when the negativity and anger started hurting. I went to bed very upset and woke up with an idea.
I took out my journal and wrote about it all, the ugliest thoughts and all the frustration. I felt like I was taking out the garbage and getting rid of all those rotten yucky feelings. I then made a long list of things I felt responsible for and asked for forgiveness, and gave it to myself.
I then made a list of three wishes for her. I know that it is not for me to wish for other people, those wishes belong to them but I did it as a loving act, a desire to voice what I most wanted for her. My wishes were all about happiness and love.
Then I let it go. It was easier than I thought.
I wondered why this happened when I was so trying to attract positive energy into my life that I had this painful conflict. I didn't feel defeated just curious.
The answer came to me easily. I could see a messy house full of old worn out things piled high and cluttering every nook and cranny. Things I did not need, things that did not work, things that caused me pain and sadness.
I could see a big truck pulling up with new things, wonderful things but there was no room for them in this house full of cobwebs and history. I could then see the truck pulling away after leaving a little note on my door saying they would come back again when I was ready.
I had to find a way to let this thing go with my sister, and there are other things I have to learn to let go. I have to clear all this out so that I can start from scratch with well lit rooms that are clean and swept. I need to be able to see out of the windows and open the door. I need white walls and open spaces so that I can redecorate my life.
There will be more hard times in the next 100 days but I will try to see them as opportunities.
I am ready for a new me. That does not mean that I leave behind the old me but I will only pack up the best parts of her. I want to travel light, I want to be grow, learn and heal.