I am at work...the sky is dark blue and it is biting cold outside. I should be making my way back home but I need just a few more minutes here in my little shop where it smells like cookies and everything is so beautiful.
Outside the world is real, cold ,and feels a little cruel today.
I got a phone call Saturday morning and the person on the other end was letting me know that Hadley left her body...I shut down inside. I couldn't cry, I was too mad to cry. I knew it was coming but I didn't want to believe it. I thought this family had given enough, I guess not.
Angela is somewhere out there making arrangements, receiving flowers and tearful phone calls. There is a little dress to pick out, relatives and meals arriving. All this is happening while a storm literally rages outside her house, freezing the roads and covering everything in snow.
I know this moment she is in. People are buzzing around, phones keep ringing, kids need to be fed, mortuary details need to be finalized. While your heart is breaking your body goes into auto pilot and you just keep doing. It isn't unlike a wedding only instead of adding a person to a family you are letting one go.
Although I remember this time all the details are gone. I can't remember most of the funeral or the days following. I couldn't tell you who was there or how I got dressed. I do remember crashing and burning after everyone went home. When they left they took all the mess, the noise, and the chaos with them but they also took the love and support. I was left alone in a quiet house without my best friend, my baby girl. All I had were pictures, shoes, and an empty bed. I wanted to die. I knew I wouldn't have to commit suicide because my heart would surely fail all by itself. I couldn't imagine surviving this kind of pain, it didn't seem possible.
If I had a magic wand I would take those days away from Angela so she wouldn't have to work through them and replace them with warm days sleeping on a beach, with Hadley alive, well and happy running on the shore.
Mother God, Father God, I don't understand this.
Please surround our sweet Mama Angela with your love, help heal her heart, let her move through these days deep in faith and a knowing that her girl is in the heaven she came from where there are no brain tumors, hospitals, and sad days.
Stevie if you can hear me thank you for trying to tell me you were waiting for Hadley. TT told me that she spoke with you in a dream the night before and you were so beautiful and happy, I can see you in my mind standing next to Hadley's bed telling her "Hadley wake up it is time to go, the helicopter is waiting, we are going to heaven" I can see her hopping up out of bed, full of energy, free of a sick body and a sleeping room. I can see you her take your hand, the both of you are strong and beautiful and as promised there is a wonderful helicopter that takes you both into the light.
Angela...you are a strong woman and there is so much for you to do. You have been feeling a pull for so long, there is something very big an important waiting for you to do. Your heart is broken and there is an empty space in your soul, your home, and your family but there is more... so much more to do. This next part of your life that needs living.
You are here for a reason and a reason and a reason...there is so much more work but there is also so much more love, growth, experience and accomplishment. You were made for great things, beautiful things, it is all waiting for you.
Deep breaths, grace will guide you through this next week. Lean on your angels, your friends and your family to help move you through the next years. We are here, we love you, and we are so damn proud of you.
You are made out of love, you are love, you are loved.