Monday, June 9, 2008
There is someone I care about deeply who is walking a down a long dusty road. She know things but the details are not hers yet. She has instinct and a mothers heart that is teaching her to grieve already.
Her daughter has brain tumors and treatment has stopped. There is no magic number of days or years but it is decided that she will live with these tumors until she can't anymore.
Decisions had to be made, the bravest and most difficult, and she made them for her daughter in the most loving ways, and for all the right reasons. I envy her clarity and strength.
I called her and tried to find words I already knew did not exist. I am on the other side now wanting so badly to reach out and fix this for her and I know I can't.
It is karma or a complete circle of sorts that I said all the wrong things. I couldn't even have a conversation that made any sense because I just kept seeing my journey with Stevie play in my head like an old 8mm film and I couldn't concentrate.
She must think I am an idiot or worse and I feel like worse today. Shouldn't my experience have made me the perfect person to be there for her?
I prayed for her daughter last night and I prayed that she would somehow find it in her heart to forgive me someday, I let her down.
There is nothing to say to a mother who is where she is. "I am here" comes close but it isn't enough.