Monday, June 9, 2008


There is someone I care about deeply who is walking a down a long dusty road. She know things but the details are not hers yet. She has instinct and a mothers heart that is teaching her to grieve already.

Her daughter has brain tumors and treatment has stopped. There is no magic number of days or years but it is decided that she will live with these tumors until she can't anymore.

Decisions had to be made, the bravest and most difficult, and she made them for her daughter in the most loving ways, and for all the right reasons. I envy her clarity and strength.

I called her and tried to find words I already knew did not exist. I am on the other side now wanting so badly to reach out and fix this for her and I know I can't.

It is karma or a complete circle of sorts that I said all the wrong things. I couldn't even have a conversation that made any sense because I just kept seeing my journey with Stevie play in my head like an old 8mm film and I couldn't concentrate.

She must think I am an idiot or worse and I feel like worse today. Shouldn't my experience have made me the perfect person to be there for her?

I prayed for her daughter last night and I prayed that she would somehow find it in her heart to forgive me someday, I let her down.

There is nothing to say to a mother who is where she is. "I am here" comes close but it isn't enough.

Fuck Cancer.


Anonymous said...

A. is awesome, her instincts are usually right on.

There is nothing "right" to say.

I usually plunge ahead and say all the wrong things in the belief that it is better for someone to be surrounded by dorks that don't know what to say than well-meaning people who don't say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.

It's not like there is a right thing to say and G., you are full of wisdom.

Anonymous said...

Dear Gina,

There is nothing to say, it is heart breaking for Angela and Hadley and the boys to have to travel this road. You guide all of us on this journey by your example and sharing the raw emotions and the truth of this journey giving thoses of us who must follow strength and insight,helping us make the right choices as we travel the path that we are given. Prayers always, Julie

turquoise cro said...

AhhHHH! Now YOU know how I feel towards YOU and there is nothing I can say that will make it better for YOU but still I try and try. Do not be afraid were words I needed to hear this past week, because I am afraid of dying but now I heard those words from God and now, I'm not that afraid.(i don't think, I'm not dying(who says we die a little every day?) but these words brought peace to my soul) I am also glad You haven't lost faith. Where in the Bible does it say He will come out of the sky with a Shout and those who have died will rise first?! I'll find it! until then, I'm sending love and prayers and God Bless YOU and YOURS! Don't beat yourself up Gina, YOU can call her again, we are just human.

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Angela said...

"I am Here" is and always will be enough. I opened up more to you than I have to anyone. I know you won't judge...I know you've walked the road ahead of me...I know that even if you don't understand me/my feelings you will not judge me. That means SO much to me. You have no idea...SO much.

Thank you.

I love you G. I'm so sorry that we, random members of a splintered shaggy family tree, wound up having so much in common...but I'm so glad we've been able to connect. You really have been a blessing to me. Stevie will always warm my heart. I find such joy in Noah...such a well adjusted little guy. He gives me hope. Aly, =) she's just just broke my heart to see her, a girl who puts up such a 'tough' exterior, break so completely when Stevie left her body. And Steve, well when I look at Steve it reminds me that I need to cut Brandon some slack. He's got a lot on his plate too. I watch Steve and I feel so bad...and he reminds me of Brandon and I feel guilty. You have always been a guide of sorts. Even when you didn't realize it or thought you were doing/saying all the wrong were helping me navigate. Thank you for sharing your family with me. You are all amazing, wonderful people...