Monday, June 23, 2008


I just woke up from dreams...

I was going to school, and one of my professors was a famous play write. In my dream he had two books which were very old and in them were the lives of all the people who ever lived. It was his job to plan, write, orchestrate, and keep track of all the stories that unfolded.

He was a man of great ego and he was constantly frustrated that things didn't go the way he planned them to go.

He was old but not sad old, he was like Sean O'Connery in first night, noble old and I was madly in love with him. In my dream I had been having a very long love affair with him.

He broke my heart and I was sad, so sad that my ears hurt. My sister drove me to the doctor and this doctor showed me a computer screen where the the human bodies biology was broken down to mechanics. It was like the inside of a clock. She showed me my throat and my ears.

Somehow I was defective but fine. I asked her if that was the way the body really worked or was this moving picture I was looking at simplified so that people could better understand how they operated internally. She laughed and said that it was a doctors secret.

When I got home Aly and Steve were in the kitchen cooking. They were both mad at me. They didn't seem worried that I was at the hospital and they did not ask how I was. They both started in on how I was flawed, they were angry at me because I was not at home doing what they thought I should be doing.

I imagined the mechanics of my inner ear and my throat and I slowed them down until the wheels stopped turning. I then remembered a lecture I had been to long before and it played in my mind in place of the sound of Steve and Aly.

The lecture was the first I had gone to where this handsome professor was teaching. He pointed me out in a crowd of students and said, "Now look at this woman, she is split in half, right down the middle, see how she tries to hold those two halves together, she is so afraid to let them separate, as if she will leak out".

I just sat there listening and instead of feeling embarrassed I felt defiant, I was daring him with my thoughts to find something to say that would change the way I felt.

He continued speaking very quietly. Even though the room was big and there were many people, his voice was very clearly heard. He walked closer to me, or floated or projected I can't remember then he said softly "What she does not know is that it was meant for these two halves to fall away so that she could be revealed" Then he looked directly at me and said with his words that came from his mind not his mouth, "can't you see the light trying to release itself?"

I looked at myself from far away and I looked like someone trying to hold a coat together on a windy day and light was shining through my seams, still I held myself together as best I could, I knew that one day the light would win, but not today.

When I woke from this dream I discarded it and it began to fade. I logged onto the computer to work before Noah woke up. I was searching for my files when a photo of Stevie caught my eye. It was taken in the Dominican several years ago. She is holding up the "treasure" It was the insides of a plastic treasure box that Noah had just bought, it came with his new Peter Pan action figure.

I could not ignore the photo so I opened the file. The next photo that came up was one of Stevie and I on the beach. Before the trip we talked about lounging on the beach drinking from fruit. We needed this break from treatment, hospitals, and fear. This day on the beach was like a dream.

I enlarged the photo just to look at her and realized that even though we are both sitting in the same place, in the same conditions, she is lit up and I am not.

In my heart I knew that she had always been lit up.

She never had to break apart, she never had hold her pieces together her light was too strong. I was always able to see her so clear, so bright, all of her.

I think she is telling me to stop trying to hold myself together, to let go of my pain, my old beliefs, and stop listening to all the old words.

I decided to write it all down and save the photo.

I know this is an important message but it is so big that I may have to revisit this post over and over before I learn what it really means.

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