Saturday, June 7, 2008
I am still pissed. I am still waiting for something, something that will make this right, something from you that will let me know it feels like one thing but it is really another.
Tonight I need you to hold me together because some days it feels like my life is unraveling. There are these things I have that I know I should be grateful for but I am not as grateful as I should be. There is too much missing, it is hard to see what I have when there is a big hole in the center of my life, in my soul.
I don't want you to see me like this because I want to prove to you how strong I am. I want you to be proud of me but it is also defiance, I want you to know that I can take anything and won't break.
I am broken.
It is so fucked that when you are brought to your knees you still have to find a way to look up and say "thank you" Maybe I don't have to but I can't spend the rest of my life on my knees looking down.
I know how to work hard, and I do. I know how to smile when I don't want to and I do. I know how to love the love the children I have and I do. I don't know how to pretend that it never happened, I don't know how to pretend she is OK, I don't know how to just believe anymore.
This is all up and down. Tonight is a down. It is not the sobbing kind of down it is a calm questioning, a deep sorrow that just lives in the middle of me now. I don't want to make friends with it and I don't want something false to cover it up.
I once felt like I was like a bright star you could see from heaven, that you knew my name, and you watched and cared for me.
I am not so bright anymore, if you want to care for me now you will have to come look for me.
I can do the work, I can make this life amazing but I need you to help me through this part help me believe again.