Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I had a dream that you were in the hospital and I was visiting you. I have never visited you in the hospital, when you went in, I went in and I never left without you.
In the dream I didn't like that I had to "visit" you. In the dreams that I have where you are still sick it is always the same, I feel like I have been kept from you somehow.
In this dream it's as if we were living the "what if" and instead of dying you were trying to get better. It was terrible. I hated seeing you like that but in the dream I was so hopeful you would be getting better.
I woke up remembering how hard it was for you, the falling apart and not being able to do anything about it.
You hated depending on me. You were always stronger than me, I cried on you shoulder, I always asked your advice. When it all came down to you depending on me for the tiniest thing it must have been horrible. I did my best but I can find a million ways I could have done it better.
It was the worst way to leave this life. I am so sorry. It still isn't fair and it still kills me a little bit more every time I think about it.
Promise me that in our next life we can be sisters. We will be born to wonderful parents who want more than anything to have children and they make our lives magical. I know I told you I wanted you to be my mother in our next life but I don't think I could bear to lose you again.
As sisters we will be best friends, have good fights, share secrets, go to college parties together, be in each others weddings, and hold each others hands when the babies arrive. We will live close to each other in big houses by the water and borrow things like sugar, and eggs. Our husbands will love us to pieces but we will love each other more.
When we are eighty we will celebrate our birthdays by skydiving.
We will jump out of the plane holding hands, our last moments will be of thrilling adventure, we will continue holding hands and never pull our chutes open. We will leave this world like that, blessed, happy, long wonderful lives, no regrets. We will never hit the ground.
The falling will simply turn into flying.
Aly had a dream about you too. She said that we were standing in the kitchen talking when you walked in. She said you were real, just standing there as if nothing ever happened. She said, "Oh my god Stevie what are you doing here?" You shrugged your shoulders like you always do and we rushed to hug you. She said that I was kissing and hugging you and I was so happy to see you. She was asking you questions but when she woke up she couldn't remember all the answers. She does remember asking if you were OK and you anwered that you were. You said you were everywhere and nowhere. You didn't seem terribly happy or sad. The thing that worried her was that you did not seem how she would have imagined.
She was worried because you were younger in the dream, still blonde and a little chubby. She could tell that you were still sick a little. She asked you why you were not different, the way you wished to be. She can not remember the answer.
She remembers while she was hugging you she was wondering how it could be true, then she thought "Oh no this is just a dream isn't it" then you were gone.
I wonder if it is really you when we dream about you. Aly thinks it is just memories of you. Maybe it is both, maybe you are coming to us using our memories. You are accessing our data banks using the "Stevie files" to let us know it is you.
I think the messages from you are in there.
My message was that what happened was what needed to happen anything else would have meant more suffering.
Aly can only know what hers was but I think you were letting her know that you are simply still you.
The book will be here soon. I used the photo of you from your last birthday with us. It was the one with you sitting next to Aly. You were listening to her talk. I think she was stoned, she kept making you laugh. The murial behind you is of a bridge in Thailand, you always wanted to vacation there.
That night was so much fun, the big vegan cake, the great Thai food, the private dining room. You were so pretty. I hated that gold sweater but I still have it. Once in a while I go into your closet just to touch it.
It was a good birthday.
I bought you the espresso machine.
Dad and Aly use it all the time.
Your cherry tree is bursting with the prettiest deep pink cherries right now. You would be out there gobbling them up if you could.
I know you have important work to do where you are but I am here and I miss you so much. If you can come and sit with me and whisper in my ear that you are OK. Tell me all about where you live and how beautiful it is.
I am so honored to be your mother, that doesn't stop because you have left your body, I know in my heart where ever you are you are doing something big, so big. It is who you have always been this quiet mountain climber.
I love you sweet pea,