Thursday, November 22, 2007

The Last Thanksgiving...

This are photos from last year, the last Thanksgiving with Stevie.

David sent me this song this morning, he knows I am not celebrating but he thought the music was appropriate, I cried and cursed him, he knows just how to get inside my heart and head.>

Good Morning Stevie,

It is very early, the sky is still indigo and the stars are bright. There is frost on the grass now so when I went out to talk to you my feet got cold and wet. It is so still, so quiet and calm. If this were any other Thanksgiving I would be up peeling potato's, rubbing salt, olive oil and Rosemary into the skin of giant turkey. I would be cutting onions and chopping pecans, bacon and linguica would be in a bowl with breadcrumbs waiting to be turned into stuffing.

I would be stressed out, like I am every year you guys like to tease me, and know it just winds me up, I am a party psycho. I love to host, I get high from the drama and anticipation. The tables would have been set days ago a color scheme decided by you and I. We usually build it around the dishes we have the last two years I have finally had enough Blue Willow so we choose contrasting flowers and napkins. Last year it was big golden sunflowers and I put gold place cards on every ones plates. They had a butterfly on them and I wrote something I appreciated about each person on each card. I didn't know then how significant butterflies would become in five months or that it would be my last Thanksgiving with you.

There wold be tiny butter plates with those antique butter knives I found and some garage sale we went to, pretty bowls of cranberry sauce and baskets of rolls. It would be hours before everyone arrived but I will have had this feeling I was forgetting something; do I have enough bottled water? did I remember the whipping cream? will Safeway be open today in case I don't have enough butter or rolls? The house would smell like a holiday by noon, the air scented with a baking bird and apple Cinnamon candles burning on the tables. I didn't forget anything, except how to relax.

Your aunts and uncles, cousins and friends would arrive a car load at a time and then they would be upon us and our house would be full and noisy. My bed would be piled high with jackets and purses and it wouldn't be long before the toilet would overflow in the front bathroom, it happens every year doesn't it? Dad would start making coffee for the ladies who still drink coffee in the middle of the day. I would be telling the kids to watch out for dog poop on the lawn and to be careful on the trampoline. Uncle Ron would be wishing that I would let him turn the TV on so that he could avoid talking to anyone. Uncle Rich would be cracking us up, Kim and TT would be looking for a bottle opener. Gram would find a little corner to sit quietly and nibble on the linguica I high jacked for her off the turkey. Aunty Jerry would be unloading the ham and green bean casserole she brought all wrapped in paper and in USPS shipping boxes. She would sit on the little fainting couch and get anal about how to heat her dish back up.

The kids would all be jumping on the trampoline, getting sweaty and laughing. The big kids would be bouncing the little ones high up in the air. Dad would try to tell jokes no one got but he wouldn't notice. Aly would steal Anthony and they would drive off to get ice for me, taking a detour to smoke pot and make the day interesting instead of boring. I would be trying unsuccessfully to look calm and collected as I transferred food to dishes and set up the buffet.

By four we would all be sitting in the sun room, packed in, always more people than we planned on but we always fit. there was always one more plate, one more chair. Two days of cooking, two weeks of planning and in twenty minutes the meal seems to be over. We all sit around talking, telling stories, laughing. Dad, TT, and Aunty Jerry break out the cards for a little family poker. They clear off a table and break out the old cardboard poker chips on a blue glass jar that I have had forever. I never play, I can't seem to like poker, I am a sore looser so I set up the desert table and take people out to the studio for a tour. Uncle Jeff takes his guitar out and begins singing and strumming, he has become the background music for all our Holiday's his deep easy voice floating in and out of rooms and through the day.

The next day the house looks like a natural disaster but I clean it up and we start pulling out the Christmas stuff. We eat left overs while we try to figure out how the hell to put the damn tree together. We find the box of Italian glass ornaments you and I have been collecting, we move furniture, we build a fire. We relax and settle into the winter that is coming, it is a long weekend and we are so relaxed, it is the time we seem most like a normal family.

This year will be different. It has to be. This year I have to try and forget just a little, just for a little while. Your brother is so excited to spend the whole day at the movies with me. We have never done that before. Dad is torn. He knows that he made a decision based on all the wrong things and wants to take it back but it is too late. There is too much yucky energy now and I don't want him to come with us. He and Aly will have to follow through. They will have a good time.

I miss you. I miss your smile today most of all. I can not believe you are not in your room sleeping.

This day is just a day and it will be a good one. I have you here with me, in my heart, in my memory and maybe you are closer that I can imagine. I wish I knew.

You didn't even eat Turkey.

I am sending you so much love at this very moment...I love you sweet pea, so much, so very much.


1 comment:

turquoise cro said...

Yes, closer than YOU can imagine, I feel she IS! Have FUN with the little guy! I'm thinking of YOU, my Gina is going to burn me a Josh Groban cd! Beauty Full song. LOVE and Prayers, Cinda ((((((Gina))))))