Monday, November 12, 2007
You called tonight...crying, missing your boy.
I know this moment, this walking on glass, this big black hole in your heart, this wondering how the hell this could all be real.
It is real.
I don't know.
It hurts, it hurts so bad.
I would live with this pain forever if it meant I wouldn't have to lose anymore of her, not a memory, not the scent of her on her pillow, not the knowing that she is me and I am her.
It is a big ocean we are swimming in and the waves come...sometimes they knock us around and we have to catch our breath, sometimes the are so big that we are forced down to a cool quiet place. It is in that dark silence we think that air isn't all it's cracked up to be, and falling asleep where there is nothing is better than staying afloat hoping.
We are meant to survive so to the surface we rise and inhale more of this life.
You will find that some days the water will be calm, the waves rolling on distant shores. You can float easily staring at clouds, feeling the sun and imagine a dry firm place to plant your feet.
We are mothers...we were suppose to save them, we couldn't and now we are forced to do the most unnatural thing and save ourselves.
We don't do it on purpose, it just happens, day after hour, after minute, by breath.
I wish I knew how to do this better. I wish I had the words to mend your heart but I know there are no words, just time.
You told me over and over I was strong...I am not.
I cry, I beg, and I fight with God. I want her back.
God tells me no.
I don't believe in fairy tales or magic anymore.
I don't believe love conquers all.
I don't believe that God loves me like I thought he did. He has saved me from so many things just to bring me here, to my knees with my heart in my hands.
I do believe that there must be something...I just have to wait.
I do believe that I am needed, that I have work to do and that someday I will understand the love of this universe and the reason we exist, oh it better be good, really good.
Fall down and cry, unleash your soul.
Then sleep deep, wake in the morning and start the day again. Do the things Richard could not, live a life that would will make him smile where ever he is. It is all we have, this life.
Remember when they were curled up inside us, our secret, we knew them when no one else did. Everything we did we did for them and they didn't even know it. We ate good food, we sang to them, we dreamed of them, for them. We nurtured them and waited.
This is what we must do again...
This time they wait for us. It can not be rushed, there is growing to do.
I ask the universe tonight to bless you with a dream. I ask that while you sleep your boy comes to you in his perfection, he smiles and tells you he is OK now, he is home and he is loved. As he climbs the stairs he looks back at you slowly and you know, you just know.
Sweet Dreams Auntie...