4am

It's four in the morning, I can't sleep.  the house is quiet full of my sleeping family and visiting relatives.    In a few hours I will make a big breakfast for everyone and the day will start, plans will be made,  a summer day will begin.

It is dark in this room there is a soft glow from the computer screen so I can see the baby curled up lost in his milky slumber all cheeks and big hands.  He fills me up that little boy of mine, I love him so very much.  I knew he would bring me comfort but I could have never imagined how much he would squeeze my heart and change my life.

It has been a Stevie week.  I wake up with her songs in my head and I play them because it feels like I should, it's how we communicate.  The closer I feel her the heavier my heart is but I embrace that ache because it's what I have.  I feel a shift, I feel like she is bringing me closer to something and I want to be open to her even if it hurts.

It has been six years since she left, her birthday is fast approaching and there is always this "feeling" when touchstone days are just up ahead, it's like returning...

The song that has been stuck in my head this week has been "When She Loved Me" and I have played it over and over.

When somebody love me,
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
And when she was sad,
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy
so was I
When she loved me

Through the summer and the fall
We had each other that was all
Just she and I together
like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely,
I was there to comfort her
And I knew she loved me

So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she would say
I will always love you...

 Lonley and forgotten
I never thought she'd look my way
She smiled at me and held my hand just like she used to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me

When somebody loved me 
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together 
lives within my heart


When she loved me



I am mother who is missing her daughter, it is that simple.  This is difficult in all its stages and there is no one place you arrive and say "Ok I am fine now, I can move on" You simply live because you must and you find great love, happiness, and meaningful things to do but nothing is ever like it should be, there is always a missing piece, a longing, an ache, a need for answers.

There are moments when a sense of peace finds you, it blows through you like a warm breeze, you sigh and for just a moment you whisper "Ok, I am Ok, I get it" then it fades, it's gone then you go back to the dishes, you plant your garden, you cry in the shower, you kiss a baby and you think love and loss are the same intense thing to fully embrace one you must embrace the other.

After six years I am still waiting for her.  I have this fantasy that she will wake me up at four in the morning.  I will open my eyes and she will be sitting on this bed smiling, her voice soft, only I will hear it, no lips just our minds speaking to each other.  She will answer all my questions and I will be able to finally let go...I will exhale I will know she is where she is most happy and all the things I thought I needed to tell her she will already know.  

Until then I look for pink skies, I play her songs, I sleep in her bed, I touch her books, I stay busy, I kiss Elliott and Noah one extra time for her, I try to be Aly's friend because if Stevie were here she would do the same.  I hold this family together because I need for us to be a shining light she can find when she needs us, I can't stand to think of us scattered.

I wake up at this hour that is almost morning but still night, this in-between place, I wait...