Monday, July 22, 2013

A mid-summer nights dream

It 's mid-summer, the nights are warm, the days are long and we have been going to bed later and later.   I woke up very early this morning from a dream about the world breaking apart, collapsing, loud and heavy, and I did everything I could to avoid falling beams and debris.  Then there was a big hole where reality once was and I discovered we were merely a world under another world, two buildings sharing a ceiling and a floor.

It was still dark in my room as I made my way to the hall, hit the night light, found the toilet and peed.  I sat there shaking off the dream tired but knowing I would not find sleep again.  I checked the baby, covered him with a soft blanket he would just kick off, found my journal, grabbed a quilt from the sofa and headed out to the front porch.  I was sleep walking, or it felt like it when I sat down and looked up to find a sky turning from indigo to the most beautiful pink where the sun was just beginning to rise.

A pink sky like that makes my heart beat differently, I catch my breath, i throat aches.  I needed to put my feet in the grass, be connected to the earth talk to my girl in case she woke me and moved me out here to see this beautiful sky painting of hers.  Tears fell and not caring what anyone else thought I spoke to her out loud, in my night shirt and bare feet, "Stevie if you woke me for this thank you lovey, thank you for the pink I needed that baby, I love you so much, I miss you so much."

I have spent the day not doing much of anything: a load of laundry,  baked a peasant pie out of left over blueberries, nectarines, and a french pastry crust made with butter.  I have picked up around the house, nursed and comforted Elliott after he fell of the couch while playing with Aly.  He took a dive faster than she could catch him, it was awful and I will watch and worry all day that he broke something or has brain damage.  I folded some towels, answered some emails, moved some money into our checking account because we are overdrawn.

I have a long list of things that need doing, places that I have to go but I can't seem to get up and out.  I am still in my night clothes, I am eating pie, I am enjoying this strange pale grey sky and this July warm day.  I am feeling blessed, feeling like I need to nest.  I can't explain it.  I will honor what ever this is and just be in this moment where a baby is asleep on my lap, my boy has a day off and is enjoying not having to be at a rehearsal or show.  Aly is home and she is being nice.   Someone is grilling and the scent is coming in through my open windows.

I am thinking about that dream.  What if that is all this is, a big building of sorts and even thought it feels like a world is only a room.  There is another one upstairs, and downstairs and next door...what an awesome thought.

I watched the Truman show on Netflix a couple weeks ago, there is this moment where he is sailing on a vast ocean looking for answers and he runs into a wall painted like the sky, and in a moment his entire world is a television studio and everything seems so small.  I find that powerful.  If you think of it that way you kinda feel bigger, and the things you thought were important before are just props, and everyone is in this thing with you, its a game thats all it is.  I find comfort in that.

I want to tear down the wall that seperates me from Stevie, I want to flip the board like I use to when I still played monopoly before everyone realized I was a sore loser and stopped inviting me to play.  I want to say "Oh, I see now
, wow that was pretty convincing, I am all done, let's eat."  Mystery over and there Stevie would be smiling, and Claire would be a grown up, I would know her face, and all my relatives would have a big table set and there would be candles and laughter and stories.

Today I will just have to play this game, drown myself in a pink sky, hold onto the dream of a crashing world, kiss Elliott's toes, make spaghetti for dinner and be in this moment, it's what I have and sitting here relaxed, filled with love and hope, I realize it isn't so bad, it's actually kinda wonderful.

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