Stevie,

I am on my way. I can't believe I am going...this is surreal. I wish you were coming with me, maybe you are...

I have always wanted to go to Europe, Italy especially and you have always wanted to go to Thailand. We never got to take those trips together, we tried but it never worked out, there was always something...

Our little guy has been crying, he doesn't want me to go. I think he is afraid of losing another person. I want to promise him he will never-ever lose a person he loves but I can't, because he will. The odds are hundred percent that we will all die. I can promise him that I will stick around for as long as I can and that he will always be surrounded by love. Keep him safe while I am gone bunny he is still so little.

Your sister will drive me to the airport then Sarah and I will plan the first leg of our trip while we wait to board. We are getting there early so we can sit in the VIP and be silly. She can be a lot of fun, I think you picked the perfect person for me to go with.

I was thinking of leaving something of yours in Paris but I can't seem to part with even the smallest thing. I left Daffodils for you in your room, and the tulips are up in the backyard, so is the lilac. Your cherry tree is bursting with blossoms, Stevie I have never seen anything like it.

Spring is coming...so is April 19th.

I don't have anything big planned, I want to be sad and miss you all alone I think. I am going to make chocolate cupcakes I found in a book that are frosted in pastel colors and decorated with tiny fondant flowers. You would love them. I will bring them to Oakmont. I will also watch your video, the one Dave made for your service. It is going to kill me but I need to see you smiling, laughing and being your adorable self even if it hurts.

I have always been so terrified to fly, now I'm not. What is the worst that could happen? I think about it often and if you are somewhere out there then I will find you that can only be a good thing. I don't speak a word of French and Sarah and I have no real plans...we are just going. The first week will be an adventure, the second week will be an apartment in Paris and the marathon.

I plan to hit flea-markets and bring ephemera back for the shop. I plan to sit in cafes and write. I plan to pray in big churches, take a million photo's and come back healed a little more.

I found the Pi from my dream, it was on a journal Aunty Jerry gave me for Christmas. It is from the book of Kells, an illuminated letter. I think you sent me the letter for a reason...Pi is 3.1415...it is an infinite decimal with a number pattern that never repeats. It is a ratio for the circumference of a circle. It is like you to give me this puzzle. Such an old number, such an infinite and beautiful number. I'll figure it out.

Pi is also Aly's baby name could it be that simple?

Let's go to France Stevie, show me this place, point out all the things you want me to see, sit next to me in a cathedral, hold my hand in the Louvre. I need so much to be closer to you. Thank you for this trip, I know you had something to do with it. I used the money, you know what money. TT thinks it is what you left it for, you wanted me to be happy. If you are still you, and you are somewhere perfect and wonderful and if I get to be with you again then I can be happy.

I miss you best girl...my friend, my sweet, my heart, my bunny, my love...

Mommy