Monday, December 31, 2007

Words are flowing out
like endless rain into a paper cup
they slither while they pass
they slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting through my open mind
possessing and caressing me

Images of broken light
which dance before me like a million eyes
they call me on and on across the universe

Thoughts meander like restless wind
inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as they make there way
across the universe

nothings gonna change my world...

-The Beatles

It will be 2008 in a couple hours. A new year, a year my daughter will never know, and I will never know with her.

I keep thinking about all the things she will never have, never experience, never know and with all the most beautiful things she will miss she will also not have to bear the most painful...anymore.

This doesn't feel like a milestone, just time passing as it will.

I float on this sea of tears in a little red boat with a black pen and a fat tablet of white paper. I am scribbling poems and drawing pictures of a little girl who looks just like the little girl who use to sleep in my bed and sing about stars. I toss the paper into the wind, I let it float in the will go where it will go, I just want her to be everywhere.

I am not looking for land, the horizon is not important. The sea is calm, that is all that matters, the sea is calm.

Who will I become now?
What will I do with the time I have here?
Will I sleep it away?
Will I cry on all the days of the calender?
Will I grow and become someone she would be proud of?
Will I find a path across the universe?
I am trying to figure it out.
Do not worry.


I am here, sitting in our little house. Your bed has changed but not much else has. Your sister cried tonight, she misses you so much, she is starting to feel the distance and time inside her.

I found a CD you made, you wrote "Christmas" on it in you tiny perfect writing. I cried when those sweet Emo boys started singing and I fell apart when Andrew sang:

...and this life has been no holiday
a complicated situation
I'm fine with my memories
I could use a vacation

...and this place is paradise I'm sure
so here's my reservation
I've gotten lost here before
inside a good vibration

...and time it seems to stop for no one
and the seasons come and go
that's just time
and seems to stop for no one
the season keep on going
weather or not we're alive...

I must have heard this songs a million times coming from behind the closed door of your room but tonight it felt like a letter from you to me.

I baked peanut butter cookies and listened to my music in the kitchen all the songs that drove you crazy. I tried to picture you there with me, cooking, talking and getting pissed off at me because I won't measure and add things that are not in the recipe. You did everything right, it just doesn't seem to be my way. I always envied the way you made it seem effortless and teased you about not being human. You were better than human, you should have had a cool spandex suit and super-powers it wasn't fair.

Don't worry about me, I think I am going to be OK, I just need to feel you close, I just need to understand all this. I have to get use to you not being here, so hard, so damn hard to do.

I warmed the big tub up, nice and hot I am going to float out there under the cloudy sky and sing you songs off key, if you can hear me tell me what you always did before, tell me I can't sing, tell me it hurts your ears, I am listening, always listening.

Don't be too far away for too long, don't forget me, I am here, I am always here and I love you with all that I am for as long as I am.

2008 will be a year without you to learn from, to laugh with and to sit close to and share a Thai lunch. I will do what you did and find new things to fill the year with, new things to love...I just wish you were here to love them with me.

Love you lots, love you snots,
Mama, mama, mama...

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