Thursday, October 11, 2007
I am going to be working again...updating a gallery for a friend and putting some shows together. It won't be 9-5 and I don't imagine I will be paying off any bills with the terms I agreed to but it is a start. I am afraid but I understand life goes on...
Fuck life goes on.
Life does not go on, time just goes on, life changes, life changes, life changes.
I have been making an effort to put my bare feet on the earth once a day. It seems a silly thing to do but think about it, when was the last time you were barefoot in the grass or had muddy toes? We stand on cement, wood, carpet and most of our houses are built up off of the ground. I feel like I need to connect with something bigger than all this matter, I need to put my feet on something alive.
The sunsets have been beautiful and rain clouds have been coming and going. I don't think I have ever spent so much time looking up. I watch the stars, the moon, keep a look out for crows, red balloons and my girl.
Tonight instead of writing about the things I did, I think I will write a prayer.
It 's me...you know, the overweight, middle-aged housewife who swears at you and makes demands. The woman who cries and tries to make deals with you, the child of yours who is lost without her child.
I am trying not to be mad anymore. I am trying to pretend and maybe even believe that she is there somewhere just a little closer to where you live. I am trying to hear you tell me, "It's OK mama she is safe I have her under my wing and close to my heart, she will be here waiting for you in a blink of an eye, that is all it really is"
I am grateful, I am blessed. I have my family and friends. I am loved, loved, loved.
I am terrified of what is next.
I am heartbroken and you know why.
I need my mind to be lighter and quiet so I can find her.
God, if it isn't all a cruel joke, if you are real and I am a creation of your divine spark, a tiny piece of you, then wrap yourself around me, hold me close and don't let me fall into this big dark hole that exists in the middle of my life, my being.
Nine children killed in Iraq today. Nine mothers feeling this thing I feel, nine mothers who can not understand, nine mothers alone with their feet on the ground and their teary eyes staring into a sky full of stars looking for their babies.
I am not alone with this pain, I do not know the worst of it. My daughter is not the first or last child to die of cancer. I am not the first or last mother to bury her daughter. Still this is so personal. This is about you and me and a little girl who didn't want to die.
This moment is about my broken heart and my lost baby.
Do you have time to listen to all of us? What do you hear? What does a broken heart sound like?
Is it silent?
If you are there tell my sweet Stevie that I made a pasta sauce from fresh tomato's I roasted, Tell her that I still have her green chucks, tell her there is a new television show called The Big Bang about physics geeks and the girl they have a crush on. She would love it. Tell her I am OK that I miss her everyday, that nothing is the same, that she can't be replaced. Tell her I thank her for loving me so much. Tell her I sing to her, talk to her and try to honor her everyday. Tell her I am still a vegetarian and I am reading her books. Tell her I am learning to find happiness, it is hard but I will.
God tell my girl that there was never a girl so loved as she. She was a blessing every moment of everyday.
Tell her to build me a house next to hers, close to water, lots of trees. I big hammock, a big porch and a garden full of Peonies. I will need a big bed that is soft and has a fat squishy pillows, a lamp to read by and a window that is always open to a full moon.
In a blink of an eye I will be there, I will be wearing white instead of black and I will kiss the tip of her nose and the little dimple on her cheek. She will need to take some time off of what ever work she is doing because I want to sit with her for a million years. I want to walk with her through forests and swim with her in a warm ocean. I want to ride bikes with her down a long soft dirt path without any hills. I want to watch the sunset over and over and know that I get to do it again and again...no last times.
Let her to come to me in my dreams, you know how I dream...
God take care of my sweet girl, she is amazing, but you know that don't you?
God bless my sweet children, God bless all children, and God bless mothers, all of us who love and care for these children, but especially the ones with empty arms and quiet rooms, pictures and soft blankets in place of smiles and soft skin.
God forgive me for not understanding and for being so mad.
God let it be real, let it be beautiful.