Sunday, November 2, 2014

Wake me up


Its November...this is when we found out the cancer was back and this time it would take you away from us.  You knew.  You were afraid, I was afraid, it all happened so fast, It was our last Thanksgiving.

This has been a sad couple weeks I have been missing you so very much.  There is just so much I wish you were here for.  I wish you knew Elliott, I wish you could listen to Noah sing, I wish you were sitting next to me helping me plan Thanksgiving dinner, we always did it together.

I wish so many things...

I love you Stevie.

Nothing is the same.

I stay busy, I am always busy, I can't be still, can't be without a project, a goal, something that needs doing.  If I am still or quiet I am flooded with the reality that you are not here anymore.  I still look for signs, I still keep the window open, seven cold winters that damn thing has been open, fly in and take me on an awfully big adventure already.  You don't come to me in dreams very often anymore, when you do it feels like a Christmas present.

I look for you everywhere and in everything and I find you over and over then you fade away again.

I have not been to the cemetery in a long time, I need to go, need to lay down on the grass above you, be close to your body, look up at the sky and talk to you.  There is a peace there, all those people, all that love.  I don't know why people are afraid of graveyards they are beautiful, sad, but there are so many stories there I can feel them when I go.  I wish each grave site had a book or a video and I could know those stories, instead I walk around pick up dead leaves, replace flowers, and read the dates on headstones.  The garden we buried you in was almost empty seven years ago now you are surrounded by so many people, do people look at your headstone read your dates, your name and wonder what happened to a 19 year old girl.  Maybe they think you were in a car accident or died in some tragic teenage way instead of how you did leave...cancer.

I try to imagine you as a grown up, in your own apartment, your own friends, me calling and bugging you all the time because I miss you, but you are busy with your life, work, school, friends, research, cooking, going to concerts...I am sad but happy too, the hope is that your children will outgrow you and be so happy that they don't "need" you anymore.  It's bittersweet.

I try to tell myself that is all this is, you are happy doing the next thing, you outgrew me, this life, your body and now you don't need me and that's OK.  I just wish I could pick up the phone and tell you something silly or listen to you tell me about all the things you are doing.

Your brother is a beautiful soul, he is trying so hard to make you proud, to do all the things you didn't get a chance to do, to make the most of his life, he is spectacular, he squeezes the hell out of my heart.

Aly moved out on her own, room mates (two guys who are slobs) it has been really hard for her, she wants to be here with us, she needs us, but I know she also needs to be out in the world at least for a little while so she can see what she is made out of.  I miss her.

Elliott is two, he is getting so sweet, I love this age when babies turn into little people.  He is a lot like you in so many ways.  He loves fruit, not a fan of meat, loves to nurse (yes, still)  he only likes soft clothes, he is smart and stubborn (just a little) and is my little Charley-horse (side-kick) just like you were.

Dad and I are the same, just a little more wrinkled and annoying.

I wish I was younger, I would like Elliott to have a sibling his age to grow up with but unless someone leaves a baby on my doorstep or asks me to adopt a two year old it seems he will grow up mostly as the baby of the family.

I smell you in your room once in a while, it is a scent that isn't anywhere else in the house or in the world, just in your room, next to your bed.  I love it when it happens but it also tears me in half.

I did a big family photo wall in the dining room, put up photos from happy times, it makes me feel like you are there with us, having family dinner, making some joke that is both witty and profound, making us laugh or groan.  Damn I miss your humor.

Come visit me tonight, wake me up, tell me about heaven, let me know you are OK.  Help me find that damn little pony, the white one with the pink tail from mothers day, Elliott played with it and I can't find it, show me where it is, make that our sign.

I love you sweet pea, so very, very much.

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