I woke up early this morning thinking about you remembering our first hours together and our last. I wrote in my journal and cried for all the moments I can not get back and all the memories we will never make. I waited for you to come and tell me you were ok but no ghost found me.
Your brothers are wrapped around my heart keeping me busy, giving me a reason to wake up, smile, hope, and keep dreaming, it still hurts but they make it easier. You would love the young man Noah has become and you would squeeze Elliott and kiss his big fat cheeks. Oh sweet girl how we miss you.
Where are you pumpkin, please tell me there is a heaven so I can hold onto the promise that I will get to be with you again someday. I love the dreamy idea that when you left your body your burst into stardust and became rain and waterfalls, petals on flowers, snowflakes, a blade of grass a tear, Elliott...but heaven, I want to believe you are still you, having fun, waiting, watching and I am still your mama.
Happy birthday to you sweet girl, my heart, you are so loved, so very loved.
We will go to the cemetery tonight, bring you flowers, cake, an apple from our tree. We will pull up to the place where your body is and it will still feel like a dream, we will tidy up and cry, look at the view of the mountains, tell you we love you and go home. I won't imagine you there in the ground, in a box, a person I can no longer touch or talk to. I will keep looking up and telling myself "She just graduated before us, that is all, she is just where we are all going, saving us a place, smiling at how silly it all is really".
Today I kissed Elliott while he was sleeping and remembered kissing you as a baby, your big cheeks, the way you always smelled like fruit and flowers, and breast milk. I loved the way you smelled, even after you left your body you smelled like oranges and love. What I would give to simply touch your hand or hear your voice one more time.
I hope there is a celebration in heaven, even if birthdays are no longer important I know you love parties. I hope you planned one with a great chocolate cake, creamy colored flowers, a big lawn with soft blankets and a cool band, a sky full of stars...
I am here bunny right were I have always been, I won't forget, I will never forget.
Thank you for 19 years with the smartest, bestest, funniest, lovliest, stubbornest, geekiest girl in the universe.
Still your mama buttercup,