Friday, April 19, 2013
The sky is barely turning from night to morning but there seem to be a thousand birds chatting away in all the trees in our neighborhood, they woke me up, they know that today is the 19th, at least that is what it feels like.
I am remembering without effort your last day here with us in your body. I usually slip easily into that memory, it is strong and vivid and it feels like pulling out stitches, this wound never heals, this broken place can not be repaired, it never will be but today I won't go there even though I have permission to, I won't, I can't.
There has to be a new way to connect to you on this day, I need to find a way to celebrate instead of grieve, I have to learn to honor you and I can not do that drowning in tears. It's not fair to you that what hold close is the loss of you and not the beauty of the time you got to be here, all the smiles, and belly laughs, the tender late night talks, the sound of you moving through this house and your voice over the phone, your hand in mine as we drove to the next place.
You were and still are my person, my companion in this life. I believe we all get one true love and I was raised to believe the person who would capture my heart, save me, teach me, complete me would be a man, that romantic love was what I needed to be whole. It isn't never was, it was you. The love a mother feels for her child is the deepest place she will ever go, it is the highest mountain she will ever climb, it is the hardest work she will ever do, it is the easiest love she will ever experience.
When you and your sister and brothers were born something happened I can not explain it's like I fell open, parts of me were exposed, I was vulnerable, I could hide nothing. I had to navigate differently in this world, feel things in a very different way. All of you helped me grow, taught me life lessons that I could not have learned any other way.
When you were born I knew, I always knew...there was something different. You were me, I was you but we our own worlds too. You were aways so far ahead of me, you needed me, but I needed you more. You were brave in all the places I was most afraid You were always smarter and stronger, stubborn, and damn it you were always right and sometimes I hated that. The thing I loved most was that you chose me, and let me love you and to this day I don't know why, you deserved so much more.
I loved waking up knowing you were in this world, I loved arguing with you, I loved sitting next to you and I loved it when you wanted me to go away at that concert in Berkeley. I gave you space but I watched you from the balcony always protecting you but filled with pride as you swayed to the music, danced and fell in love with boys who played the piano like rock stars.
You filled my life with moments I want back, I want to live them over and over...
Where are you now Stevie? I will make my way to the cemetery to be close to your body but where are you now?
Do you miss us like we miss you? I pray that you are so happy, so busy, (maybe even living again in a new body) that you don't have time to miss us, we are a fuzzy memory. I am selfish and sometimes I want to believe that you never left that you are here with us waiting and guiding us, and we will all go to heaven together. Last year I thought maybe I could bring you home...
How can it be six years sweet girl? I don't know how we got here, how we survived. I am living in a world that doesn't know you. You have a little brother who will never finger paint with you or play Guess Who. You will never see the new kitchen, we have new Christmas decorations, and you never got to see Tangerine. New cousins have been born, I have new friends you never got a chance to hate. Ben brought back the Postal Service for a concert, Andrew got married after his cancer got it's ass kicked. Our town looks different, new places to eat you would have loved.
People ask me how many kids I have...I say four ( I don't count Claire which feels wrong but she was never a child here on earth, only in my body and heart) then I have to try and explain that you are no longer here without making it sad, without seeming like I am trying to get sympathy, your death is not my calling card, being your mother is, and I am so grateful and proud. I say I have a 27 year old my youngest daughter would be 25, my son is 13 and my baby boy is 7 months old. I don't like to think of you as 25, in my heart you are 19, always 19.
Stevie I wish you were here, I wish you were in this bed, in this room, sleeping in until 10, I wish you had plans for the day that did not include me, that you were busy with your friends, school, work, a life you had created for yourself. I would get a few minutes with you as you made coffee, cut up some fruit, I would love to listen to you and your brother talk about music, you and your sister fight over who gets the shower first, watch you kiss Elliott (he would love your face). I want to live in a world with you in it.
Today I will fight the memory of your last moments here and instead I will imagine that you are visiting from heaven and I will talk to you, share all the love I have for you, make you a part of this day in a good and positive way.
Baby girl my sweet little bunny, my friend, my daughter, my teacher, my heart, thank you, thank you for being in my life, for choosing me, for giving to me all you did, for sharing with me all your secrets, for loving me so well, for letting me love you and forgiving me when I did things wrong, for liking me anyway.
Thank you for 19 of the best years of my life...
Wait for us in heaven, be happy baby, be happy.
We are Ok Stevie, we are Ok.
I love you so very much, "I Love you the whole world"