Train

I am awake, not sure why...it's four in the morning and there is no reason to be up but I can't sleep.  I went to see Wayne Dyer many years ago and I remember him saying that if spirit wakes you then you must listen and rise.  Here I am the house is dark and quiet everyone I love is fast asleep, dreaming...but  I am listening to what ever has me wide awake at this hour.

Elliott is next to me in Stevie's bed he is such a chub, what a beautiful baby, it still feels unreal, he is like a present every morning.  I still can't believe I am here in this moment with him, it was such a long journey.  I love learning about him, watching him become himself, find his hands, discover his voice, play with his toes.  He is silly, warm, sweet.  He's still so new but I feel like I have loved him forever.

Yesterday was Steve's birthday and we celebrated by going to the park across the street to play tennis and have a pic-nic brunch.  I still believe he chose this house because of the tennis courts!  He wishes we all loved the game as much as he does but we all gave it our best shot and were good sports as we lamely smashed the ball over the fence, into the net, and sometimes just missed it completely.  When we finished humiliating ourselves we ate big bagels from Noah's, smoked salmon, fruit, orange juice and cupcakes. After we ate Steve and Noah went back to the court and hit more balls while Elliott nursed and fell asleep on my lap while I sat under a big tree on a blanket,  Aly had to leave early to go to work but I was glad she joined us, it meant a lot to Steve to have us all together.

I felt so relaxed sitting there with Elliott both our bellies full, the sun warm, surrounded by long grass and dandelions, the sound of kids on the playground.  I felt connected to something bigger and it made me feel tiny but in the right place, like every moment of my life had led to this one, I seemed like I had been sitting there forever waiting to show up.  It's hard to explain and I feel it again as I sit here writing in the dark.

What if all this has happened before and we just live it over and over, we are in a life loop.  I am not sure what that would mean or why it would make any sense but what if this is all a memory, what if after we live our lives instead of heaven we just live in a memory loop?  What if we are simply stories, like books that sit on shelves that can be read over and over?  How cool and scary is that?

I am excited to see how this story continues to unfold.  I don't feel like I am almost 50 (in two years) or I don't feel what I thought I would feel at this age.  I don't think about wrinkle cream, sensible shoes or warm places I might want to retire.  I feel like I always have like I am just waiting to do the next thing, I don't relate to people my age, maybe I have arrested development, I am stuck at 30 is that possible?  Is it wrong?  Do we have to embrace aging?  Do we have to accept some kind of physical and mental decline? Is it selfish not too?  Is this a mid-life crisis?  I don't need a young boyfriend or a cool car, I don't need to find myself or have a face-lift, I simply don't want to believe that I have to slow down and start collecting aches and pains if I don't have them.

If I look in the mirror I still see myself, but a photo will shock me, I hate photos.

There was a wishing moon last night, and I wished to make contact with Stevie.  I was hoping she would find me at this silly hour, sit on my bed and we would talk.  I miss her so much.  

I closed the store.  It was the right thing to do.  I was never going to earn a living there, it was an art project, it was a place to heal and grow, it was an experience and it was time to let it go.  I am at peace with it but I had to go through a grieving process.  I am grateful that I will be home with Elliott, my studio will be here so I can still make art, write, play.  I don't feel like I failed although I am stuck with debt I will have to find a way to repay.  I found I am not a business woman but I am great at a lot of other things.

I want to write and illustrate another book, I want to make bowls made from clay, and I think I may be able to do that here while Elliott naps.  I am ready.

Noah is growing up so fast he is almost 6 feet tall at thirteen, how is that possible?   He is still so beautiful even with puberty face.  He is all long arms and legs, skinny, big smile that melts my heart and a deep voice I can't get use to.  He is made out of music, the way he moves, the way he expresses himself, his energy.  He is so frustrated that he has to learn to sing all over again, and again, each week his voice seems to change and it takes him to a new place only to be interrupted by evidence of more change.  He doesn't give up, he loves to sing, to play the guitar, to write songs.  I am so proud of him, I love him as a son I like him as a person.

Stevie's daffodils have just faded and the few tulips that are left are just getting ready to bloom.  We will need to put the new garden beds in soon.  We paid John to put up a deer/garden fence around the pool to keep Elliott safe, it is pretty, if a fence can be pretty, it feels good to know it is there and it will also keep the dogs from digging up everything we plant.  We have made so many changes to this house and the yard I can't even remember what it use to look like.  It is so funny that we had planned to live here a year and it has been 18 years, how did that happen, it went by so fast.  I never thought I would live in one place for so long, never thought it would be here.

Aly has decided on culinary school, not sure it 's a match, but I think it may be healing for her in many ways, it 's a connection to Stevie.  She is still struggling with independence, we don't help with that, we let her stay, we make it easy to stay, because we love her, because we all need to hold onto each other.  I want to see her out in the world, she needs to experience a life on her own but here we are.  She will find her way when she is ready.

It is now 5:46 and I am finally feeling a little tired, maybe I will meditate.  It was nice to write, even if it was only a train of thought.  Maybe we need to jump on that train at 4am just to see where it goes, just to take a look at where we are, what we have, what we miss, and what we might want to do next.

Thank you spirit for waking me.