The scientist

I'm going back to the start...

For weeks "The Scientist" by Cold Play keeps playing in my mind and heart when I wake up.  It happens to me, I wake up with a song everyday.  It isn't a Cinderella-kinda-wake-up moment.  I don't wake up sunshiney birds helping me make the bed, a little tune I can't help but hum.  I wake up with a song and it stays until I find it, play it, and really listen.  There are times when it makes no sense to me at all and sometimes it brings me to my knees.

The Scientist brought me to my knees and it is haunting me still.  Many years ago I bought the album (CD who says album anymore?)  Stevie and I listened to it on a little red portable CD player I put in her room.  She was sick, music made her feel better when she couldn't read, drink coffee, or eat fruit.    On this particular day music was all I had to offer and I thought she would enjoy the album.  She thought it was funny that I did, Cold Play not being on my playlist.

I remember the music made me sad, it was telling a story I didn't want to hear, it was marking time and I wanted to push it away.  I knew I  would remember that moment in time, us in her room, the red of the CD player, her head on her pillow, the sun coming in through the window, the smell of the room,  it would be a charm on my memory bracelet, one that I did not choose but was given to me and I wanted to scream for it all to stop all these frozen bits of time, I didn't want them I just wanted her and ordinary forgettable moments, teenager-mom fights, shoes on the floor, dishes undone, one more ride somewhere,  a messy bathroom with wet towels and make up left out, ordinary stuff, not this.

The tears came so I had to turn away, pretend I was stronger than I was, act like I didn't know what was happening, what road we were on.  I think "Fix You" began to play and I wanted to throw up.

So here I am five years later about to have a baby and I can't get this song out of my head so I go through my CD's which are covered with dust because now I listen to Pandora (who listens to CD's anymore)  I find the disc, put it in my car stereo and push advance until I hear the song, track 4 "The scientist"  I didn't even know that was the name of the song and that alone undid me.

I listened with all the cells in my body and I keep listening.  It means something, I need it to mean something, explain everything, tell me she is here, somewhere, with me, that it's Ok, that she is Ok.

I wake up with the song, day after day, I am missing something...

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh